update on the survival...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
update on the survival...
2
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 11:19am

Hi everyone! I've been out and about trying to get my life in order after my husband's (STBX) rejection of me. My therapist had stressed that life goes on with or without you and your situation but you can choose to let it happen to you or make things happen. I've chosen to do the latter. I've been making a conscious effort to think positive and to set goals and find ways to achieve them. I’m seeing the return of the pain and hard work I’ve gone through. I got my job back after having left that position and the workforce altogether two and a half years ago. So I’m financially set. DD & I are moving into our own apartment in two months. The tight quarters at my sister/my parents’ house is too much for me already and can’t wait to move! So I’m claiming my independence again.

A guy friend of mine said to me the other day: “You are so beautiful” and had also commented on how nice I looked (as in well-dressed). I felt like crying when he said that. It’s a good thing! To hear comments like that (especially from a guy) when my ego is so bruised and broken, it’s like someone wrapping a warm blanket around you after you’ve been running through a rainstorm. It really helped boost up my self-esteem. And then I got to thinking…when was the last time STBX said anything like that to me? I know he’d say things like that when he wanted something or before or during sex…but I can’t remember the last time he said it just to say it. And it makes me realize more why this divorce is a good thing. Even though he is the one that wanted it and I had to deal with the shock and moving and all the BS, I should be grateful for this second chance at life. I wrote down a list of things I want from a man. Although he had some qualities, things like RESPECT and EQUALITY (which are top two) were things that he never really gave. I still love him and I probably always will…but I have moved on to make my life better. I hang on to the memories (the good times we had) but I have grieved for and let go of the dreams and “could-have-beens”.

So yesterday, I got the amendment for the petition for dissolution of marriage (the date of marriage was wrong – go figure, so was the marriage itself). After I sign that I’ve received it, the six months’ time starts running (at lease, that’s what I’ve been told). I’ve been expecting and waiting for it for at least a week now. Then when I saw it in the mail yesterday, I got really sad. I didn’t really get why I felt depressed. I’ve been happier the past two weeks than the past two years! Then my friend said that I’m human…big shocking news! (Funny because I said that to her a few months ago and now she’s using my own words against me!) Then I realized it’s just the finality of the situation…and I am an emotional being so it gets to me…not STBX. And now I can move on. I have to mail out the papers today and on March 13, 2007, I am having a BIG divorce party!

Thanks for letting me go on and on and on! Just started typing and look what happened! I hope that everyone is doing well. I'll leave you with one of my favorit quotes which helps me during the hardest times.

"Sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow, we must fail in order to know,
Sometimes our vision clears only after our eyes are washed away with tears."

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 11:49am
It sounds like you have reached a turning point. Good for you!. I'm told that this gets easier with time so I'm hoping it will. I find myself getting mushy when I have to sign papers or deal with things related to the divorce as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 1:58pm

Your quote is wonderful and will be one of my new one that I will refer to when I feel down. I too am very emotional and do still get sad when I think about things and the could have beens etc. Heck it's been about 2.5 years since it all began and I still have my moments. They are fewer and fewer than when it first first started but occure nonetheless. The upside is I also have those times when I look at him and wonder what the heck was I thinking, lol. Ex has lied so much and been so nasty that more and more the man "I thought he was" is more and more invisible. Your are so not alone in feeling what you've felt.

Your doing great.