Vent.... Long....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Vent.... Long....
7
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 2:59pm

OK. I got a phone call from stbx on Thursday at 8:20 that night. He left a message saying that he needed to talk to me would I please call him in work on Friday. He did not specify what he wanted to talk about, and since he is extremely unreasonable nine times out of ten, I did not call him back. He then called me again Friday evening at 5:20 and left no message (he is calling my cell). I did try calling him back Friday evening, and since he does not possess a telephone, it is very difficult to get in touch with him. Needless to say, I didn't touch base with him.

Saturday he called at 10:53 in the morning and left a message. I checked my phone and saw there was a new message and decided to see who had called (without listening to the message first). It was him, calling from his work and since it was just 11:00 (he called a few minutes before that) I tried to call him back. Twice. No answer. THEN I LISTENED TO THE MESSAGE HE LEFT.

He says, not screaming, but definately yelling - "This is F'n B/S. I have been trying to get in touch with you for three days and you won't answer the phone. I want to see my son and you are keeping him from me. You shouldn't have moved 65 F'n miles away, you had to move, didn't ya. YOU ARE SCREWING UP MY LIFE."

On soooooo many levels, he is wrong as usual. I cannot even begin explaining how difficult he is to deal with. I am NOT keeping his son from him. Never have. Never will. He is the one who has no phone, no vehicle, doesn't pay child support, can't and won't keep a promise to his son to save his own life, and gives me crap whenever he can. The more sense I make the louder this person yells. I can't stand it.

I finally got in touch with him earlier today and asked him if I could call him back when I got back from an appointment that I had. He said yes. I then called him back when I said I would and explained to him that I DID try calling him back, several times, with no luck. I asked him if he was going to see our son this weekend, and he copped a major attitude with me saying "well - are you going to bring him up to me?" I said why??? 'Because my F'n truck doesn't work Pam!!! I told you this last weekend' (actually it was TWO weekends ago, but that is besides the point) I asked him if he could get down here any other way and he went into the same old, 'you had to move didn't ya. Took my son from me and moved, blah, blah, blah' I reminded him that I am not the one who doesn't have a telephone and he said "I don't give a 'F' whether I have a phone or not" I then said I don't even know your ADDRESS - and then he hung up on me.

I can not stand this. It's too much. Please keep in mind that he has my address, my cell phone number, and my mom's number and my dad's number. He insists on calling my cell phone - which I turn off at night M-TH at 8:00 because my son goes to bed and so do I. He seems to think that I should be at his beck and call at all times. It's one of the big problems I've had with him and continue to have - his control issues. Why can't he call the HOME phone? His work has long distance. He could make the call to the house. And to go back to his original message on Thursday, he did not specify what he wanted to talk about. Whenever he calls for my son, he asks for him SPECIFICALLY and he ALWAYS gets a call back from my son. For my stbx to leave a message on Sat. like that is unnecessary and uncalled for. He is just using my son as a weapon because he can.

Anyway, once again thanks for listening. This is a continuing and ongoing problem that just seems to be getting worse. Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 4:38pm

I agree that his behavior and choice of vocabulary is completely inappropriate. I would not tolerater him cussing and being disrespectful either.

With that said, if you in fact created the distance then it is completely reasonable for you to provide the transportation for him to see his son. A lot of judges require that the parent who chose to move be the one to incur the cost of transportation.

Maybe you could send him a letter that if he gives you advance notice that you will drive your son to see him and try to set up visitation that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 7:45pm
I appreciate your response however - he was fully aware that we were going to move. As a matter of fact, we were supposed to move back in Sept. but chose to stay because he said he 'wanted to work it out'. Two weeks after that, we officially broke up. He is a mechanic and at present makes more money than me. I REFUSE to drive my son to see him. He is not paying child support and has much less bills than I do. He can borrow a car from his girlfriend, or one of his friends up there and find a way down here. Get a ride or something, his friends mean more to him than me and my son, why not get them to help him. I will not drive my son up there. NO WAY. My car needs work as well and I am not going to make any unnecessary trips if I don't have to. If he really wants to see his son, he will find a way down here. It won't be from me. That's for sure. Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2006
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 9:11pm
I have a friend in the same situation. She meets her ex halfway to get her son. Would you consider meeting him halfway? I'm sure if he were a little nicer i.e. no profanity...you would consider being a little more cooperative.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 10:04pm

mstiny, I have very irrational, demanding, possesive husband who absolutely does not take care of the responsibility, and yes, he makes more money than me.

About dealing with his language, personality, and behavior... I have learned that it's not worth trying to figure it out or to deal with. As I am in the same position, I know it affects you emotionally everytime he calls you or leave you a trace of contacting you. I also understand the fact that more you ignore him, the more he becomes aggressive. What worked best for me to stop my husband is when I showed him that I don't need him at all. When he is not talking respecfully, I tell him that I would speak with him when he can talk like a normal person, then hung up the phone. I would receive so many nasty messages and threat that he will stop sending money, which is only to cover the half of the childcare to begin with. And please, do not listen to the whole message because it will only hurt you... When the voice message is in yelling mode, I just delete it. Now that I told him that I want to have a divorce, he's been accusing me that I am not a good wife, brah brah brah... As a matter of fact, he just called me now saying this is B/S and I am the one who is being selfish. I just hung up again saying please do not call here to argue with me. As irrational as he is, I am signing up no-fault and moving on. I know my husband... I know it is best that I don't expect anything from him, and get him out of my life. Good luck to you,too.

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 10:48pm

Wow... your stbx is a piece of work...

Your post brings up some good points... how is visitation going to be set up in your settlement agreement? In my case, xh didn't want visitation, so it was written in very minimally and such, but it does specify that xh will pick Joey up and drop him off for visitations... he only saw Joey once all year last year though, so go figure... He lives in another state, several several hours from here, so its not the easiest thing, but he definitely has to make the effort for it to work... I would review the visitation and pick up/drop off section of your settlement agreement to make sure that it is something you'll be able to live with...

Unfortunately, they do not tie child support and visitation together in the if he's not paying, he doesn't get to see him kind of way... While I can see their point, it would probably frustrate me more if xh decided to see him more often and still continued to not pay...

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 12:39pm

Hi Weekender and Julie. Thank you both for your responses. He is a very difficult pill to swallow - and I am doing a much better job of dealing with the profanity, threats, abuse and whatnot. The great aspect of it all is I have the power to HANG UP ON HIM - period. I completely agree with how you explained to stop trying to figure him out. I just had this conversation with one of my family members last night and I stressed that I am not wasting any more of my life and time trying to figure out what makes him snap. Who cares??? I would much rather tunnel my thoughts towards things that really matter, i.e. my son, myself, and my jobs. That's it. I am a much better person than he for being able to exercise this type of behavior.

I have reconsidered the visitation this weekend - I am going to call stbx on Thursday and find out if he still wants to see my son. If he does, I will drop him off and pick him up. I am willing to meet with stbx half-way (and stbx knows this - I offered this when me and my son were originally going to move in Sept.) and have no problem splitting the picking up and dropping off of my son. Stbx is almost impossible to talk to, so I have to really bite the bullet and lay down some laws myself on CONSISTANT times and dates the visitation will happen (that should be very interesting....)

Once again, thank you for the support and advice. I will keep yas posted on what happens with the phone call on Thursday and possible visitation this weekend. Take care. Pam

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 8:36pm

Hey there Pam...

I'm glad to hear that you've given everything some thought... as soon as I realized that I needed to stop trying to figure out my xh, my life got so much better... I wasn't worrying about this or that... releasing myself from it in some way...

I hope that your stbx responds to your question about visitation the way you'd like him to and that you have a great rest of the week!

*hugs*

Julie