Venting, and so sad....
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| Thu, 08-02-2007 - 6:46pm |
I have been reading these boards for a couple of weeks, an while they have helped me to understand a lot of what to expect, I felt it was time to share my story.
About a month ago my husband of 10 years (together for 13)decided out of the blue that he was "not happy", and tired of dealing with the stress of "how to pay for everything". He asked for seperation, which has now turned into a divorce. We have two children, ages 9 and 7.
Of course I was shocked, devestated, hurt, angry, and crushed. He does not want to try counseling. It just did not make sense! I thought we had a wonderful relationship, parented in similar styles, enjoyed the same hobbies (skiing, camping, traveling), were affectionate to each other. Sex was good 2 to 3 times/wk. He is a great father, playing with the kids all of the time....Where did this come from??
We do have the normal stressors of a married life with two children. School work, soccer, baseball, gymnastics, girlscouts and I work full time. I am the "normal" nag wife when he stops pulling his weight with the kids events, or housework. Financially we struggle to keep up with everything, but I never thought it was bad enough to come to ending our relationship over. So-- it just does not make sense to me. I cried, begged and pleaded with him to give me some answers, but they are just the same, "I am not happy, I can't fix our financial situation". I have asked him repeatedly if there is someone else, so has his family members and friends-- and it has always been NO.
Well a friend of mine who I have confided in was also shocked. She said he was such a family man, that there just had to be more to the story. Last week she asked me if I had ever checked his cell phone records. I had, but nothing was really out of the ordinary, he uses his cell phone a lot at work, so there are tons of unfamiliar numbers, or so I thought. She told me to check again, so I did. The next month had posted (I had checked May and June) so I went through it. Lo and behold, there was a certain number showing up at all times of the day and night, several times per day. My friend offered to call the number for me and guess what??? It was a gal from his work, who I know, who has been invited into our home. She is single with an 8 y/o daughter. I was again shocked, devestated, betrayed, and MAD!
I confronted him and he stated that they are "just friends". He admitted to being attracted to her, but he had not "done" anything with her. He also admitted to going over to her house for a couple of beers.
I felt like the rug had again been ripped out from under me! He LIED. He betrayed me and our children.
Needless to say I lost it. I yelled, screamed, and cried to him what a liar and a cheat he was. I told him that no matter what he had "done" he was emotionally attached to this girl. I had a few choice words for him. He listened to it all. In the end he stated that yes, it was probably inappropriate to to be calling her so much. Ya think?
I decided to call the girl. She also stated that they were just "friends". That she and him have always been very close friends, and she was just being a friend to him through this. Can I believe that???????!!!!I did not devuldge that he admitted he was attracted to her. I was completely calm with her through the whole conversation, but the minute we hung up, I just cried....
I am doing ok. I am so very stressed out.I try to get through my days, try to be there for my children, but it is so hard. I have been hurting so very much. My days are filled with saddness. I did see a physician to take the edge off of all of the pain. That has helped.
I don't currently have a job that I could support my two children on. It is overwhelming to think about the future. Where will I live? Do I need a new job? Why is this happening to me?
Well, that is about all I can tell you all. Thanks for being here and listening. Thanks for sharing all of your stories. They have helped.
Robin

I can't come to it, to forgive him. I deserve better, you deserve better. If you want to talk more, you can't e-mail me.
Robin,
Sorry, mean to write you can email, anymore.
I don't have time to read the other posts, but wanted to send HUGS!
Here's the irony, though. He is gonna be hurting SO much more financially with the divorce! He now will have to provide for TWO households! Yes, it will probably be just child support and spousal support, but it adds up, especially when he has to pay his share of the extra curricular expenses and non-reimbursed medical.
And his retirement and other assets are subject to division as marital assets. If this is about money, he is making a big mistake.
Otoh, as you have discovered, it may be about something else.
Betrayal rips out the heart! I know!
Hugs and go find a lawyer; get a handle on the all the assets and make sure you have cash. Take care of you and the kids. You will survive!
M
Edited 8/4/2007 7:24 pm ET by nymava
I am feeling so sad for you, but also so anygry for you. I am a bit father along in this process and most of my sadness has turned to anger, and to a desire to be free of a man who would betray me. My husband didn't cheat with another woman, but we had financial problems, and I was the one struggling to hold down a full time job, maintain the house with no help from him (in fact he would open the mail, throw the trash on the floor and leave it for weeks if I didn't pick it up) and do bookkeeping for his business in my spare time. I put trips to Canada for my son to play hockey on my credit card, we didn't have an oven that worked, or dishwasher, or even a stove that worked correctly. He inherited $91,000 during this time and didn't even tell me, in fact lied about it. Meanwhile he was working "to rebuild his business" about 10 hours a week. This was not his first lie, but the worst lie that he told. It seems for you the lie was worse than the act, and for me too. Although your H blindsided you with this, and that in itself is dispicable. You think you are working at something together and you find out it was only you working at it.
You have to believe you will get through this. You have a job, so you are in a better place already than some of the SAHM's I read messages from. He will have to pay child support and probably alimony, so you've got to wonder why he felt leaving would relieve the financial stress. You have your kids and that is a blessing. My only son is 15 and wouln't come with me or even spend the night because he was so angry that I left, and I miss him more than life. But I am only 1.5 mi. from him, and he stops here most days and I talk to him all the time. I just decided over the last few days to file for divorce and full custody (I moved out 5 months ago), so soon he will be spending at least a few days a week here.
Hang in there. Remember that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. And this won't kill you. And as you get stonger, and adjust to your new situation, you will be able to look forward.
I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I am very new at the message board thing, seperation, etc....so please bear with me.
I'm walking in your shoes...in a manner of speaking. I don't have small children though, but I know that has got to make this doubly hard for you.
I left my husband 30 days ago tonight. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but I could not continue to live with a man who treated me like I didn't exist. I've been in that situation with him off & on for at least 2 years now & everything came to a head on: 7-3-07. He once again left me sitting at home to go "play poker". I'm not sure if he was playing poker or not, but the fact that I was not pleased about him going out again did not sit well with him....keep in mind that this is a man who did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted to, and I said little to stop him. I'm not his mother, so I guess I gave him plenty of rope to hang himself & me too, in the process. I'm not even a screamer or a yeller, so this man pretty much got away with murder. I created a monster, and I'm paying for it now. He had no idea how good he had it, all courtesy of his very understanding & totally selfless wife, who by the way received very little in return. I guess we get what we settle for in life.
So many things have happened to me between 7-3-07 & 8-4-07 that most people can hardly believe it. It's like something out of a soap opera or a bad movie. I would love to be able to tell it all here, & I hope I will have that opportunity....it's pretty interesting reading.
But about you, I feel your pain, tremendously. I have never been in so much pain in my entire life. You msut feel so lost, so hurt. I have never hurt so much or cried so much. I've been somewhat angry....but I'm working-up to that emotion. God help him when I do get mad. I think I'm still numb to it all. I do have a good therapist....I thought I neeeded someone biased, because my family, my friends, his parents, are all very biased, in my favor. If you can do it, find someone to talk to...outside of your emotional support circle. I've only been twice. so far, & it realy did help me. Your family doctor can be helpful too, if he or she has a good bedside manner.
I'm just at the beginning of this mess, but I had seperation papers in my mail box in: 16 days & he told me about retaining an attorney via e-mail...my work e-mail & that's just a fraction of what I've had to deal with in 30 days. Please let me say that you are not alone, even though I know it feels that way. I've felt like a stake has been driven threw my heart about a million times over, but it's getting better. I have my good days & my bad ones, but I've held it together better than I ever thought I could. I have a stressful, demanding job & have managed to miss just 1 day of work since this all began. Believe me when I say, I know I have someone else out there looking over my shoulder, otherwise, I'm not sure I would still be here to write this.
You hang in there. I hope this rambling book I've just written will be of some help/comfort to you.
gosh! Thanks so much to all that have sent replies. They help me so much. My friends can listen, but you know what I am going through, because you are there too. I don't think anyone can understand unless they are unfortunate enough to go through it.
Again, thanks so much for all of your support! I could not make it through without you!!
Robin