Venting-Long
Find a Conversation
Venting-Long
| Mon, 05-02-2005 - 3:21pm |
Hi,
I have been a lurker and maybe posted once or twice in the past couple of months. I am currently seperated for 3 months. I have been married soon to be 4 years and have a 9 month old son. My husband or whatever I call him now, feels that our marriage has been problems from the start. I never truly saw it as that, we did argue but not more then other couples. We have known each other for 9 years told. We dated for 5 yrs, we did get married young 23yrs old. In his mind things have been more in the dumps since we got pregnant. It was not planned and caused many issues. This past year has been stressful on both of us. We both lost our jobs (his lost job was questionable-very irresponsbible on his part), health insurance was an issue while I was pregnant,our son was born 2 1/2 months early, I could not find a job after I lost mine, and the issues continue to build. My husband feels that he is mentally unstable but will not seek any help..he thinks that talking to someone will not help. My biggest issue with this whole thing is that he says he doesn't love me anymore and things have just changed. He tells me I don't know him and that I don't want to be with who he truly is. I am so confused and lost right now. I don't want to give up, but he is so insistent that we won't work anymore. He has insisted that he has tried, but we never tried together to make this work. I do agree with him saying that he has issues and that he is mentally unstable (past issues with family,friends etc).I want so much to us to work out..i never thought I would be in this situation. Sometimes it seems like too much to handle. My friends and family have been a wonderful support, but they really don't know what is truly going on. I am scared about what life may hold. I have never really been with anyone else beside my husband. I know I can be strong and that my life will go on, but i have a very hard time convincing myself of that everyday. I also think to myself, i have to start dating..who wants to be with a lady who has a small child. I do want to find love and do want to be with someone.The thing that really urks me about the situation is that my husband said he is tried of people telling him what to do and he is tried of telling himself what to do that he just wants life to take its course and see what happens. At that rate, he will be stuck in this rut forever. I really don't want to be the one to file, but he is to of a chicken to do anything (i really think he is scared of not being with me also ..it is all he knows also). I threaten him all the time to go do something, but he gives me the excuse of money, our debt, him wanting me to be okay-get a full time job ( i am currently working 12 hrs a weeks and raising our son-but to him staying at home it stupid and I should get a real job). I am scared, confused, sad, anxious, angry all rolled into one. I really don't know what I am looking for maybe just support from someone who know what it feels like to go through this stuff. Please any advice would be great.
Sue
I have been a lurker and maybe posted once or twice in the past couple of months. I am currently seperated for 3 months. I have been married soon to be 4 years and have a 9 month old son. My husband or whatever I call him now, feels that our marriage has been problems from the start. I never truly saw it as that, we did argue but not more then other couples. We have known each other for 9 years told. We dated for 5 yrs, we did get married young 23yrs old. In his mind things have been more in the dumps since we got pregnant. It was not planned and caused many issues. This past year has been stressful on both of us. We both lost our jobs (his lost job was questionable-very irresponsbible on his part), health insurance was an issue while I was pregnant,our son was born 2 1/2 months early, I could not find a job after I lost mine, and the issues continue to build. My husband feels that he is mentally unstable but will not seek any help..he thinks that talking to someone will not help. My biggest issue with this whole thing is that he says he doesn't love me anymore and things have just changed. He tells me I don't know him and that I don't want to be with who he truly is. I am so confused and lost right now. I don't want to give up, but he is so insistent that we won't work anymore. He has insisted that he has tried, but we never tried together to make this work. I do agree with him saying that he has issues and that he is mentally unstable (past issues with family,friends etc).I want so much to us to work out..i never thought I would be in this situation. Sometimes it seems like too much to handle. My friends and family have been a wonderful support, but they really don't know what is truly going on. I am scared about what life may hold. I have never really been with anyone else beside my husband. I know I can be strong and that my life will go on, but i have a very hard time convincing myself of that everyday. I also think to myself, i have to start dating..who wants to be with a lady who has a small child. I do want to find love and do want to be with someone.The thing that really urks me about the situation is that my husband said he is tried of people telling him what to do and he is tried of telling himself what to do that he just wants life to take its course and see what happens. At that rate, he will be stuck in this rut forever. I really don't want to be the one to file, but he is to of a chicken to do anything (i really think he is scared of not being with me also ..it is all he knows also). I threaten him all the time to go do something, but he gives me the excuse of money, our debt, him wanting me to be okay-get a full time job ( i am currently working 12 hrs a weeks and raising our son-but to him staying at home it stupid and I should get a real job). I am scared, confused, sad, anxious, angry all rolled into one. I really don't know what I am looking for maybe just support from someone who know what it feels like to go through this stuff. Please any advice would be great.
Sue

I think the things you're feeling right now are quite normal considering what's going on in your life. Like you, I married at 23, was married for 4 years, and with my ex for nearly 12 years total. I felt all of those emotions you've described when my marriage started to fall apart. After getting over the initial shock, I realized that I couldn't control what my ex would want to do, so I started trying to plan my life so I would be ok on my own. I'd always worked, so that wasn't a problem, but I had come to depend on my husband for so much in my life, so I started doing things I'd normally have to wait to have him do (like minor household repairs), and started developing some acquaintances into real friendships that helped me get through the rough patch. Like you, before this point my friends and family didn't really know what was going on, but once I started sharing my problems with them, I got a lot of needed support. So if you have a great family and friend support system already there, open up to these people who care about you - the support is what you need now. Given your description of your situation - that your husband has lost his job, and with mental health issues you may not always be able to depend on him to be working, you also might want to try to look for a full time job. That way you are more self-sufficient and able to care for yourself and your child if your marriage doesn't work out. Right now, it's hard to say how this situation will resolve itself - you and your husband may be able to work this out. But if you start preparing yourself for the 'worst', you'll find that it's not as bad as you fear. As far as dating, don't rush yourself. Wait until you know your marriage IS over, and you feel emotionally ready.