Verbal & emotional abuse ends w DIVORCE

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
Verbal & emotional abuse ends w DIVORCE
2
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 1:59pm

Hi all,

I am new here. I have been on the abuse message board, but never made it to this point. I am 38 years old. I have two daughters, ages 8 & 9 (both just had bdays). My husband, their father, has been abusive since day one and I just wanted to be married eleven years ago. It gets real bad (you filthy pig-b_tch, lazy mother F_ _ _ er! This hasn't happened in two years - after the last time I actually took the girls and left) - nothing physical to this point - and then it gets good (when everything is going his way). The one thing I have seen during his last few "explosions" is his dysfunction. He really does have difficulty staying in reality. He has a mouth that has destroyed any feelings I ever had for him. His actions (throwing, punching walls, etc), when he 'loses' it are the same. I am just now finally saying to myself - "THERE ARE WOMEN AND CHILDREN IN THIS WORLD, MY GIRLS SCHOOL, OUR NEIGHBORHOOD, OUR FRIENDS, WHO HAVE NEVER HEARD OR SEEN THE TYRAIDS THIS MAN HAS EVOKED ON US." That is what keeps me going. That and I recently took a briefcase I hide out of the attic that has his verbal attacks either written down or on answering machine tape. I am reading things from the early stages and I am cringing. This is helping too. I am at the extremely early stages regarding divorce. The paperwork at the county clerks office will come next. The biggest step I have made thusfar is to realize that my daughters and I will not live like this anymore. I do not want to go BACK to counseling, try an antidepressant, read the bible, look at his good qualities, etc. What good he has he can give to his daughters, and nothing more! I am currently writing down exactly what I want to state to him when I tell him I am filing for divorce. Can you please share with me your experience with the stage I am at? After this last incident two days ago, he has gone into "same old (minus sex)" status as if nothing happened. I am being passive and speaking with him when I have to. I haven't stated I want a divorce and for him to move out of our house. I know once I make the statement to him and the papers are filed, a HUGE hurdle will be over. He has stated he will never leave the house - pay me a dime of financial support if I end it, etc. Any ideas on calling him to be the littlest part of a gentleman for his daughters sake at least? Please advise on tips to keep my strength at this time. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 3:02pm

I would hire an attorney before I did anything. If he has never been physically abusive before this may be just the trigger he needs to go over the edge. I would not personally tell him anything, have him served and have the sheriff remove him from the home.

He will have no choice but to pay CS if he is ordered to by the court. That all depends on who makes what and how custody is divided. Again your 1st step should be to hire an attorney.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 10:04pm

Thanks for your reply. I am anxious, nervous, rattled and scared. But more than anything I know that I want peace and calm in my life everyday. I am meeting with an attorney, whose firm I know is one of the best in our state (FL). We are not weatlthy. We are middle class. There will be approx. $300K in assets to divide, if the house needs to be sold. If I can stay and maintain the house we are looking at about $100K to divide. He has no idea - none. The only thing he knows is that I am standing up to him for the first time in 11 years regarding his harrassing me in our home, verbal and emotional abuse, etc. I firmly stated none of that was to happen ever again in our home and never again infront of our daughters. If he ever has anything he needs to say to me that has anger involved or discontentment, it will be behind closed doors or outside of our home, not to be heard by our very impressionable daughters. He is keeping to himself, and leaving me alone now for two days. Not a big deal for most, but for him it's a long time. I am keeping myself and our girls busy with social engagements until I can have him served by the attorney I've hired. I go on Monday to begin paperwork, etc. I AM NERVOUS ABOUT HIS REACTION WHEN HE IS SERVED. The sherrifs office and the attorney recommend to have him served the divorce papers. Depending on how he reacts and what he does than I will file for a restraining order. The attorney says that as long as the papers he is served states clearly to retrieve his belongings by such and such a date, so as not disturb the everyday life of his daughters and wife (while we are out of town at my parents) and maintain a place to live outside of our home until the court date, he will avoid having criminal charges brought against him through a restraining order. What are your thoughts? Thanks again for your support. It has taken me 11 years to get here and my head is spinning - but the thought of not having to ANSWER to him is so liberating I can't help but be excited and at the same time scared to pieces.

Cathy