ON THE VERGE of DIVORCE

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
ON THE VERGE of DIVORCE
8
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 10:59pm

Hello everyone,
I'm sad to say it looks like '07 is going to be the year that I finally call it quits with my husband of 15 years.We've been dancing around this decision for far to long.And as much as it's going to hurt me to let him go I have to for my sanity.I'm a product of divorce so this shouldn't come as such a shock to me that this actually is getting ready to happen.I guess it was inevitable looking back on it all I think we were doomed from the start and we tried are best to beat the odds but the odds won.Well with all that being said.I'm going to be in a world of s...when all is said and done.I've been a SAHM/housewife my entire marriage and I don't have alot work experience.So I could use all the advice and support that I can get with this.If anyone has been through a divorce or is going through one I would greatly appreciate any assistance that you can give.Thanks in advance.

Sincerely,Tami

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 8:49am

Tami,

I am so sorry to hear your news. I too am a sahm. I have two dds 4 and 6 yo. How old are your children?

I assume you have tried marriage counseling? Retrouvaille is supposed to be a very good program for marriages in trouble (sponsored by the Catholic church, but I don't think you need to be Catholic).

If things are really beyond help and you think it would be better for the children for you to part, I recommend a bunch of books: For Better or Worse by Heatherington, The Truth About Children and Divorce (Emory) and then books by Ahrons and by Wallenstein (can't remember the titles, but these are two of the big rearchers on children and divorce). I think it is very important to get a realistic picture of what divorce will mean for children who are the innocents in all this. The Emory book offers lots of good practical advice.

I hope you are economically situated so that you can survive. That is usually a really big struggle for many of us. Folks here will tell you to start collecting important financial records (tax returns, pay stubs, account records (investment, checking, retirement); get yourself some credit cards (don't use 'em :-)). Start looking for work or schooling to prepare for work. If your kids are in school full-day you could start with part-time something just to get it on your resume. Find a lawyer; even if you use mediation rather than the courts, you should have a lawyer guide you.

As for me. This is not my choice. I think my children will pay a huge price for their father's selfishness and self-absorbtion. We will be in financial straights. Mine are young and not in school full-time. They have never been in day care and I think being at home is the gold standard of parenting. To give all that up is traumatic. But, for my girls, not having the dad they adore with them every day (dinner, bedtime, weekend mornings ... not having mom their after school, to volunteer and when she is there being stressed about work, money, maintaining the house etc. ...) they lose in every way and for what ... their Dad's freedom to live as he likes.

Anyway, there is some practical advice and some of my perspective. Stay on the board -- there is lots of support and experience!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 9:04am
Tami I am so sorry ! I too have been a stay at home mom other than some low key low paying jobs. my kids are grown and I am 57 but now I have a mortgage to try and pay. I will sell on ebay....and I know I can make more than i can working out like at walmart, burgur king, etc. But it will be a struggle . my stbx is going to support me thruough April so I can save three months earnings as I have like $12 right now lol ...I will use the money I make in April to pay Mays bills. at least with the savings if am short one week from my business I will have the savings to fall back on. Will your H help you for a bit? if he can the courts can make him support you until you get some technical training etc but you would need to get an attorney if he is filing to make sure you get it. Do you have kids at home? Your H needs to help y ou and make sure you are ok and can get self sufficient.
I dont know why but so many women who have been stay at home moms and wifes get left when they are older ........bang its like right in the gizzard. and no matter how many warned us to have a nest egg just in case we believe these guys when they say they will love us forever.
Hang in there . you can get lots of advice on this board. use whatever help and assets you can get from your husband and be strong!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 2:13pm

Tami,

I have been in your situation for a long time. I am “on the verge of divorce” after 30 years of marriage. I turned myself inside out to make my husband love me and be happy. I realize now that it was impossible. I feel he was never really engaged in our marriage.

My parents divorced after 25 years and I was determined to not let that happen to my marriage. Once I passed the 25 year mark, I foolishly thought that every thing would be fine…as if I had control over it. My unspoken promise to myself was that I would continue to live in the marriage until all of my kids were “okay”. I was a SAHM for most of my marriage. I went back to work fulltime at a local College (offered free tuition) when my oldest was ready for College 12 years ago. I started as a temporary employee which worked into fulltime. When my youngest went off to College this fall, I knew that it was time to make a decision. Although divorce is what I wanted, when my husband said it first, it sent me into a tailspin. I begged him to stay…as I had done every time he threatened to leave. He kept me hanging for a few weeks but then said he didn’t want to work things out. According to him, all our problems were my fault…which has kept me in therapy for a number of years.

It has been 7 months since we decided to divorce and he is still living in the house. The stress in the house is unbearable, but I wouldn’t turn back for the world now. I see things so much clearer. I have been angry at myself for putting up with so much sh*t for so many years. This is my concern for you. Don’t wait another 15 years just because of the kids. They will be fine as long as they have your support and love. I thought I had protected my kids from all the dysfunction of my marriage. WRONG! They see more than you think they see.

Hire a good lawyer. You can ask around and see who other women are recommending. You can usually have a consultation visit with a lawyer at no cost. “Interview” a few lawyers and choose the one that you are most comfortable with.

I agree with “nymava”. Start gathering financial documents, copy them and keep them in a safe place. Also, there are so many good websites on divorce and your rights. Prepare yourself so you won’t be blindsided.

As hard as it still is, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am 51 years old and starting over, which at times still scares me. My support system has been my older sister, who unfortunately had already experienced divorce. My friends seemed to disappear when I mentioned divorce...I think it was too close to home for so many women my age that they couldn’t deal with it. I do look forward to my future now. The divorce should be final in a few months. My finances are still uncertain, but no matter what happens, I’ll be better off emotionally.

I wish you the very best for 2007!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 3:06am
Wow I envy you so....I wish I had the guts to leave. I have gotten to the point where I truly hate my husband. Today was our 13th anniversary...I stayed home and cleaned house while he went golfing...I walk on egg shells all the time never knowing what will send him into his next rage. I cry all the time..if I try and defend myself it only gets worse. I work full time but he makes all the money which alows us a very nice lifestyle but also makes for a life of hell. I love my friends and his family so that I could not leave. Then theres the part where you wonder would it be any better on the outside. I thank God that he travels in his work but then that leaves me alone all the time. I find I would rather endure the pain of loneliness then endure his hell. He has a horrible anger problem...we almost lost everything because some guy took his parking spot and my husband got out of his car a beat the kid up....I have prayed and prayed and prayed. Thanks for letting me vent.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 10:44pm

Hi there... I finally got up the courage to leave during my 13th year of marriage.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 2:07pm

Dear gal-pamela07,

You can do it. Don’t put up with his behavior for another minute. You will find the strength, trust me, I did. You can’t really live life if you are constantly walking on eggshells. My H would set the tone in the house by whatever mood he might be in that day. My friends would tell me that when I was alone when my H traveled that I was a totally different person…happier and stronger. My kids would stay longer at the dinner table just to sit and talk with me and with each other. It was so peaceful.

I, too, stopped trying to defend myself because it was useless.

Your comment that you work full time, but he makes all the money is not true. He just makes more than you, which is not uncommon among married couples. He has made you feel that you are not contributing, but I’m sure you are working all day and then coming home to your “duties” at home…dinner, laundry, cleaning, etc.

Depending on your state laws, you are entitled to a portion of that “nice lifestyle” if you were to leave. Please look into your rights if you were to leave. Your life will change, but for the better. I promise you.

All my best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 3:42pm

Please visit over on the Recognizing Abuse board. It sounds like you a definitely a victim. There are so mny good support systems and resources in place for you. I too am currently married to a man who has anger and control issues. he has verbally and emotionally abused me for a few years now. He works odd hours and I too felt so much better when he wasn't around.

We have just recently separated and I feel soooo much better. We have two small children and I have been very concerned about them and not wanting to put them through a divorce, but I know see more clearly that this is the best soloution for all of us. I know life will be better without his crap - I just don't want to spend my life walking around on eggshells.

(((((((hugs))))))) to you

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 10:11pm
Best to you Rose! I am so glad I discovered ivillage! It is so hard to find someone to spill your feelings to that isn't too close to the circle
. Sometimes we just need to vent without anything to come and bite later. At times friends and family don't want you to upset the whole picture and really don't want to hear what you are going thru. So good to have you all to confer with. Thanks!