On the verge of separation or divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
On the verge of separation or divorce
2
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 8:21am

It's a long story, but aren't they all? We've been together 13 years, married for seven, have a two and a half year old daughter.


My H is emotionally abusive, passive aggressive and has been angry and resentful since dd was born. He expected me to do almost everything with her after she was born and acted like he was being asked to do an impossible unreasonable task anytime I asked for help. He didn't enjoy interacting with her or holding her, and would just sit there with this look on his face like he hated her.


We started fighting about it a lot and he would get really angry. If I told him I wanted to leave with her to cool off, he would block my way or go take the car so I couldn't go anywhere. If I tried to tell him it was abusive, he'd tell me that she was his daughter and I had no right to take her somewhere without him.


We've been through major financial problems, almost lost our house but worked it out. Then he forgot to pay his student loan too many times and now they're garnishing his wages. Which means the payment is twice what it used to be, and we're behind again on the house payment.


In addition, he is a workaholic, uses his job to avoid doing anythign he doesn't want to do. Before we bought our house he swore to me that he would fix things that were broken because I hate doing that stuff and don't know how. We have had a broken garbage disposal for a month and he just won't ask anyone for help or do anything to fix it.


We have two dogs and he does nothing but feed them and let them out and play with them. He won't do anything related to bathing, grooming, taking them on walks, or helping them when they're sick or something. I am about ready to put an ad in the paper to give them away to a good home.


The biggest thing is that he has a serious auto immune disorder where his body is attacking his thyroid. He won't accept it. He won't take any responsibility for it, and it's been four years since his diagnosis. He makes me absolutely miserable with this. He doesn't know what meds he's on, how much his dosage is, or anything about his disease. He hasn't made an effort to learn more or to try to figure out how to manage it through nutrition or lifestyle.


We have been through a lot because his doctor has made stupid mistakes and he has ended up taking a third of what he should have, and ended up almost acting psychotic. I have begged him to go to a new doctor. He did and didn't like her, so he decided to go back to his old doctor. Well now I can tell that his thyroid is getting low. He's tired, he's gaining weight, he's doing and saying the things he does when his levels are low.


I told him about this a few weeks ago and asked him to make an appointment to get checked. His answer was to double his synthroid dose on his own. Then I found out about it and got really mad and we had a big fight about it. He really believes it's none of my business and that I should just let him do what he wants. If I ever say anything about the effect it has on dd and I, he will say something sarcastic like "well I"m sorry I'm inconviencing you, I'll just go get a new thyroid."


The other day we got into another fight and he told me that he went back to taking his normal dose after that fight. I asked him if he made an appointment with a doctor and he said no.


I know I need to leave. The other day we ended up fighting in front of dd and I just can't take it anymore. I hate that I have to do this. I just don't know whether it's better for me to wait until I can get myself my own place here in town or if I should go ahead and quit my job and then try to move in with my mom and stepdad who live two hours away. I would try to find a job there.


I just don't know what to do. I don't know why this is happening to me. I feel like I have been through all the stages of grief, and it seems like I go through all of them in one day sometimes. I go from denial to bargaining, to anger within an hour.


I just wish someone could tell me what the best thing to do is, but I don't know if that's even possible.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 8:49pm
Is anyone there? I'm closer to leaving. I am wondering what happens before your child support starts. If we both get our own places, but we haven't finalized anything legally, am I considered single or married? Am I eligible for food stamps or anything? I think I would be under the poverty line on my salary.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 9:17pm

Hey there...


Obviously you're the one who knows best if you should stay for a while longer or if you should go... I would begin preparing to leave, if you haven't done anything yet... meaning make copies of any financial records--anything of his alone or shared between the two of you--debts and assets.

 


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