Very confused and can't seem to make a decision

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2014
Very confused and can't seem to make a decision
10
Sun, 07-06-2014 - 7:10pm

I am neither separated or divorced yet, but we are living separately in our home.  I have been married for 17 years and recently my husband found out about my 18 month affair.  My dh and I had been having problems for a couple of years prior.  He wants to stay together.  We have 3 children. 

I am not sure about staying together.  I love this other man. My dh has provided a good life for me and my children.  He points out to me often that this other man can't provide for me in the same way.  I know my life would not be as easy,  but is that a reason to hold on to a marriage that I have felt emotionally disconnected from for years?  I just don't know if I can ever love him again even though he is a good man. 

I am torn.  I love this other man so much that I can't imagine trying to forget him.  I don't know what to do.  I know my children's lives will be better if we stay together.  I just need some guidance.  Is it worth the turmoil to end a long marriage to start over?  I know I was wrong to have an affair.  I make no excuses for myself.  I am just trying to move forward and decide what path I need to take.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

For starters.......is the "other man" available?  What is his history.....marriages, divorces, children, etc.?  Have you ever dpne anything to try to fix your marriage?  Counseling, simply talkng to each other & voiceing your problems and concerns?  How old are your children?  Do you think they're oblivious to your problems, and by staying they would be better off?  Being "better off" or "less well off" shouldn't enter the equation.  My feeling is that a man who would have an affair with a married woman doesn't have a lot of respect for the instituion of marriage........and they say if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you!  Being with your a/p is wonderful, you have no worries, no responsibilities......just fun and games.  And being married to him would be a lot different.  Then you have to pick up after him, deal with him when he's upset about something, you know, the usual things you do in marriage that are NOT fun and games.  You have to ask yourself, it is "love" or is it just someone to be with and forget your problems for a while.  You need to see if you can work out your problems with your husband........and then if you can't........end your marriage.  If the a/p cares about you, he'll be waiting......

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think you have to look at the state of your marriage first w/o having the other man a consideration--what if you got divorced only to find out that the AP didn't want to be with you?  Would you still want to get divorced?  You say that you felt disconnected from your DH for a couple of years?  why?  Did you take any steps to solve that issue?  Did you ask your DH to go to counseling and he refused?  Did you ask him to do things differently and he didn't change?  I think if you brought up issues in the marriage and your DH just ignored them, then you should feel less guilty.  If you didn't even try to fix your marriage then you should at least try.  Yes money isn't everything but it's something--if you do get divorced, would you be able to support yourself and the kids?  Would your DH fight you for custody since you had an affair?  Would you be willing to go through all that?  What if your standard of living went downhill?  do you work now?  What if you had to get a full time job?  There are just a lot of things to consider.  I also think that affairs are usually a nice escape but then you have to deal with the realities--suppose you & AP did get together--it wouldn't be all fun & games & sex then--you'd have to deal with money, visitation issues, maybe your kids being mad at you because you got divorced, him having to deal with your kids, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2013

Stay with your husband and get your mind off the other man. The problems you will have with your kids over the long haul aren't worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013

Absolutely agree. The grass always seems greener, but it never goes quite like you expect it to.

Your family is worth so much more than the temporary fulfillment you are finding with your affair partner. You owe it to them to at least try and work things out in your marriage. You've been emotionally hurting in your marriage for some time, but have you ever done anything to try and "fix" those issues? Have you and your husband ever gone to counseling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013

Absolutely agree. The grass always seems greener, but it never goes quite like you expect it to.

Your family is worth so much more than the temporary fulfillment you are finding with your affair partner. You owe it to them to at least try and work things out in your marriage. You've been emotionally hurting in your marriage for some time, but have you ever done anything to try and "fix" those issues? Have you and your husband ever gone to counseling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2014

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Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

You have to separate the other man situation from your marriage situation. In other words you have to make a decision about your marriage, solely based on your marriage and if you still want to be in it. Do not view it as if you get divorced, you will immediately move in with your other man. It would be ok to keep seeing him, but go on the assumption you would divorce and live on your own for a while. Try and envision that and see how it looks and feels to you. At this point you really have no idea how life might be like if you shack up with the other guy 24/7. You need to spend a lot more time him in a dating scenario, rather than the short burts of time usually associated with affairs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2014

I will try to answer some of the questions in all the replies...  The other man is divorced with no children.  I have tried to talk to my husband several times over the years and tell him that I wasn't happy.  One time I felt like I was very depressed and tried to talk to him about that.  I told him I was so miserable,but couldn't put my finger on why exactly.  I told him that I was concerned about my mental state.  He wasn't concerned about any of this.  He always just said "I'm happy".  Very frustrating!!!  

To clarify a bit more.... My husband found out about the affair a few months into it.  I, at that time, chose to stay with my husband because I wasn scared of losing my kids.  Needless to say, the affair picked back up and here we are now.  I feel more prepared to deal with a divorce now than I did then.  I will fight him hard for my kids.  I am a good mother, even if I made a bad choice as a spouse.  

I am currently seeing a therapist, but we have never gone together.  I have asked myself if I can just stay until my kids are older, etc.  But I am so torn.  I have a good life, but the love is not there.  I cannot stand for my husband to touch me.  We stopped having sex months ago and I cringe every time he hugs me.  I don't know if I can ever regain those feelings again.  I feel lost because I am just scared of making the wrong decision.  He is a good man, but I just don't know.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 07-23-2014 - 12:15pm

Well your husband does not appear to want to put much into keeping you. All he can do so far is fail to go with you to marriage counseling and tell you that the other man cannot provide for you like he can. That would not make me feel particularily keen on staying with my spouse.

If H is not willing to work on things and meet you halfway, then your marriage really has no hope because you can't regain those feelings and reconnect with him on your own.

I don't know if we can tell you what to do, other than definitely envision a divorce as life on your own first, not as life with AP immediately after. There are plenty of people who stay in marriages for their children. They stuff their feelings and unhappiness and live life with a hole in their heart. It's up to you to decide if you can do this. I do think many people here will tell you what you think is best for the kids by staying, is in fact really not best for the kids after all.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Soul shine,

You've all ready made your choice. Now you have to face the music. 

You left your marriage 18 months ago. Now you have to physically pack up and go.

Caution: turning to another man tells me you haven't done any homework on y ourself. Whatever made you unhappy in your marriage will follow you into the next relationship. It will all most always repeat itself until you do the work.