very stuck

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2007
very stuck
2
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 11:36pm

I am new here and really appreciate the connection I feel with others through these posts. I live in a well to do community that is very conservative and nobody I know is divorced so I feel very alone considering I am in the process of divorcing.

I had a 16 year rough marriage where both me and my H agree it was a 50/50 destructive relationship. Feeling empty, overworked and underappreciated I fell deeply in love with another man. The OM and I have been together now for 5 years. We are very serious about one another and both are divorcing our spouses.

Here is the dilemma, after I filed for divorce and my H found out about my affair he started working on our marriage! Over the last 10 months we've been sort of separated my husband is much more compatible with me and due to my almost divorced status I too have changed (got better with finances, respected my boundries) and we are getting along sooo much better. I still do not want to be physically intimate with my H as I still am very much in love with my OM. My therapist said if I want to stop the divorce I would have to move far away and mourn the death of my OM relationship. I still fear going "back" to my husband since that relationship was so terrible and I love someone else but..... there are my two wonderful school aged children to think of. Any advice? Has anyone been so close to divorce and even in love with someone else yet went back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
In reply to: believe08
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 5:41am

Hi, I'm in a sort of similar dillema, but H was the one who had and EA, and I am pregnant with our second DD (due in a week), but now H wants to reconcile. I have posted in a separate thread with little clarity so far. I keep thinking that to go back would be good for the kids and good for us financially, but that's it. We both haven't really changed, I harbour a lot of resentment and distrust (esp. since this all happened to me during a pregnancy) I feel that it's too late to re-build our marriage. I'm not attracted to my H at all, how can I be a wife to him now?

At this time my own well-being is most important, yes the kids are too, but if a couple can't bring their relationship to a more loving and caring level then the kids will detect that and still be unsettled.

And frankly I'm puzzled about men now a days, why do they seem to change their minds and their hearts on a whim, while we women take a long time (for me, may be never)? Well, I'm not in love with another man, but I wish to be, so I sort of relate. You have to think, can you love your husband again? And won't your children notice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
In reply to: believe08
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 2:41pm

believe

i have a similar situation. i also fell in love with om and had an a with him for almost 2 years. i still love him, even though i hate him. (can anyone understand that? lol)

anyway, my m began to fall apart about 7 years ago. it got really bad for the past 4 years. of the past 4 years years i spent two with xap. he told me he loved me and would leave his w for me. guess what? i filed for divorce, left my husband, and xap stayed with his w. soon after, my stbx discovered our A told xap's w. now, xap will have nothing to do with me, stbx calls me every name under the sun.

my stbx wants to try and salvage our m, i do not. but i am angry that i am alone. no h, no xap. just me. its a empty strange feeling. i do know that i do not want stbx nor do i want xap, i know i am better off without both men. i just hate not knowing what the future holds for me.

i have been reading and posting on these boards for over a year now. i've discovered that all xap's are basically the same liars. they lead us to believe that we love them and they love us, then they leave us in the dust. and many stbx's are similar in that they treat us like crap when they have us, then as soon as the divorce gets going or they discover the om, they all of sudden want to change.

its BS! i am trying to be a strong, single woman. i will no longer allow a man to dictate, or define me.

i hope you find your way believe. these waters are very difficult to navigate.

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