visitation with dad

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
visitation with dad
10
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 10:38pm
I am having some problems with my daughter going and spending her weekends with her dad. It seems as if its upsetting her. STBX had his new girlfriend and son move in with him--whom he has only been dating for three months. My daughetr was upset by this--plus she has a had few incidents with the girlfriend's son pulling his pants down in front of her and telling my daughter that he wants to have sex with her. My daughter is five as is this little boy doing these things. I am very concerned--but STBX acts like its not a big deal. So much to the fact that he knew about teh incidents but didnt bother to tell me about it. I am deathly afraid that either this boy will do these things again or might even try to tough my daughter inappropriately. STBX thinks I over-react. What should I do?? We have joint legal custody with myself having the primary physical care of our daughter. Any advice??? Thanks!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 7:55am
I would file a police report. I would also send the ex a certified letter. You need proof in the courts eyes that you have tried to rectify the situation. I would not send my daughter back. Agreement or not. That boy needs help. I am very sorry that your ex can't be a little more sympathetic about the whole ordeal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 4:15pm

I like the certified letter idea.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 5:23pm

OK, I just got


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 2:16pm

Have you calmly asked your Ex if the children are being fully supervised now, as a result of these attempts at sexual play? If both the kids are age 5, then what the boy has done so far may not be considered serious by your local authorities, you might want to call and ask. IMO, the kids should not be left alone together. Does your Ex agree?

I am sure you have talked to your DD about how she needs to go immediately to an adult if anything similar should happen again. If your husband was awarded visitation by the Court, then my personal opinion is that it would be unwise to violate a court order without better evidence of a more serious and immediate danger to the child. Perhaps you should discuss it with your lawyer?

If your DD suffers significant changes in her sleep, schoolwork, eating, etc., then you might ask around for the name of a good child counselor. It must be pretty miserable for her, her life ripped apart and dad shoving some new "family" in her face like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 3:19pm

Report the gf's son to the local county children's services (or equivalent).

I'd discuss this situation with the local police too. (This is BIG red flag behaviour.)

I hope and pray that you live in an area where they recognize the signs of child sexual abuse.

This degree of promiscuity (words and actions) exhibited by a 5yo is ABNORMAL!!!!!!!! This little boy needs to be in psychiatric care, if only for his own health.

Then I'd tell your ex that you have contacted the local authorities, and that your daughter will no longer be left alone with this boy.

I'd bet this little boy has been sexually assaulted, ie, raped. Until this child is dealt with (emotionally, physically), he is a danger to himself, your daughter, and very likely any other child he is alone with.

This boy is not evil. He is likely a victim of sexual assault. His rape has driven him, for all intents and purposes, insane. Thus, his physical and verbal promiscuity is the outlet for his trauma.

I just have to wonder, what on earth is happening to this little kid, and why doesn't you rex and his gf notice what terrible condition this kid is in?

I am normally not a fan of law suit battles. But in this case, I'd start working with a lawyer to alter your custody to eliminate contact between your daughter and this kid.

Rape is a disgusting crime, and the perpatrators should be vigorously punished. Adults who rape children should be tortured to death.

I was the victim of such crimes as a child. No one paid attention to the obvious red flags as I acted out as a result of frequent and brutal rape by a family friend. It went on for seven years until I left home.

Do not be silent. Silence grants consent to the rapist. This little boy needs you help. There is something going on in his life that is terrible and criminal, and no one else will help.

There is another very remote possibility here -- this little boy is a genuine sociopath/psycopath. Its possible. The best evidence of this condition is that he tortures and kills animals (wild critters, other people's pets, his pets). I'd say its remote because psycopaths at this age do not exhibit outrageous anti-social behaviour this young.

Whether this kid has been assaulted, or he's a psycopath, you daughter should not be near him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 5:22pm

I agree that the behavior is not normal for a 5 year old.... but... abnormal?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 1:15pm
I spoke with my STBX about this situation again and how uncomfortable it makes me to let my daughter go with him on the weekends due to this boy's behavior. Once again, he said that I shouldn't worry about it because he is "always" watching our daughter when he has her. This coming from the mouth of the man who had our daughter on one occassion--who cut her head open and took her to the hospital and had staples--but did not call me for 24 hours after that?? But,STBX mentioned that the boy has been seeing his counselor at school for some issue he had at school. So, now I am thinking is it for the same issues?? I have such a hard trusting what STBX says is true because of past behavior and present behavior. I cant not let my daughter visit her dad because that would be in violation of the visitation agreement. Any other ideas???
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 4:04pm

Oh gosh you must be sooo heartbroken!!

I am not one to discount foul play. however I feel it may be more a case of kids playing doctor than one requiring social services...

How old is the little boy? From what you write, my guess is between 5 and 8... I feel that he is just repeating something he's heard, on TV or (worse) in real life. Someone ought to talk to that kid, and explain him what it means, and what he can/cannot propose to others (as play activities... ;) ).

You should also have a talk with your daughter. At 5, she isn't to young to learn that her body is HERS only, that she should not let anyone touch her without her willing, that even friends or family touching her "there" are inappropriate (with exceptions of doctors helping her health), and so on. I know social services usually have numerous pamphlets about how to talk to a child about that stuff... otherwise, ask your local librarian about what you could read to find the best way for that talk. If you have no-way to act on the boy, protect and inform your daughter. She isn't too young!!! she should know - today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 4:56pm

I'd say, "well, I am concerned because this did happen, our daughter told me this happened, and if you are always watching her, then you should know that it happened, and I should hear about it from YOU first, not her."


The point is.... your daughter, at 5, would not make up something like that to tell you.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 12:10am
Did you call your local police station and see what they think you should do. Thi might fall under the law which said if you don't report it to the police then you could lose your daughter. I don't want to scare you but if she mentions it at school or to someone who reports it you could get in trouble. I know this from experience. When my daughter was three she made a comment to a family member. I went up and talk to the police and was told if the family member would have reported it and not me they would have took her from me and placed her with cps while they worked it out. The law states you have to report this type of stuff. They should be able to give you some information and tell you what to do. You need to protect her. I also know a family who thought their daughter's little comments was normal and it turns out the boy down the road was touching the girl and trying to have sex with her. The boy was only seven. She was six at the time. She has had tons of mental issues form this. Please don't just brush this off. It could get lots worse. This boy needs help. I have a five year old boy and this is not normal behavior.

 

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