Visitation distress
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| Sat, 08-26-2006 - 9:26pm |
I hate my soon-to-be ex husband. A few weeks ago, I got a restraining order against him. He'd roughed me up one too many times, so I kicked him out and went to court. The judge ordered weekly visitation of our two toddler girls (3yrs and 2yrs). I take the kids and drop them off today, right on time for their first visit, clean and tidy. At pick up time 4 hours later, he walks them to the car (he's not supposed to come within 25 yards of me). I look down at both kids and they're filthy. He purposefully ran them through some mud before he brought them to the car! He starts going off on me about how he's going to take me to court to get things out of the house he thinks are his.
I leave and take the kids home, clean them up (their shoes are ruined, diapers hadn't been changed), and notice one of them has a scratch running up her leg, and the other kid has a couple of bruises on her leg!
I am fed up with him. So, I call the cops to document all this. Not much they will do. Paperwork for a warrant for violating the restraining order takes days unless he's actually beaten me up again. I took pictures of the kids' injuries, but the officer didn't think they looked like abuse.
Arrrgh! I just want to scream. Our situation is so complicated, and there are so many more details I don't want to get into (I would have to write a book), but how do you deal with an ex and visitation when they do things like this? Just grin and bear it?

You are doing the right thing. Document every thing. Dates, conversations, threats, photo's, all of it, make your self keep up with it. Research your local social serviices guidelines for abuse and how they document it what to look for and how long it must be documented before reporting it.
Are you responcble by court order to transport the children for their fathers visitation. If Not then let him purchase the car seats and pick them up at the end of the drive. It is his reponsibility to facilitate these visitsationds and provid for thier safty health and weel being. If he is using them against you this will be a chore, let it be difficult for him. If he truely loves them and wants to spend time with them and shre in thier lives then this will not be difficult at all for him to make a priority.
Make sure you have a good lawyer. Then trust your lawyer to work for you. Seek advice from her/his assistant ( at no cost perhaps ). Make plans for what you can, like have a run plan. Clothes and acessories stashed in the car and an open invitation to a friends if you need to RUN. But just as you prepare for a storm or possible black out prepare then forget about it. Trust iin your self that you will be able to deal with what ever you need to the best way you can when ever it may happen. It may never happen.
You are Angry. You should be angry. Get it out of you. Bitch to who will listen to you and notice who doesn't want to - let those people go for a while. Write your anger out over and over. Blow it out of you like cigarette smoke - adictively- till you can simply exhale. This may spiral these feelings, but thats o.k. Look for help. Ask for help. Ask for help again and agian from those people who can help you.
Try to focus on yourself and distance your self from him. All you really need to discuss right now is visitation and the child and spousal support you are due. If he wants to make a list of property he thinks is his, fine. Let him make his list and thank him for the copy. Remind him it will be important durring the property dispersal portion of your divorce. If he wants stuff you or the girls want then create statements about how this is family community property and how it functions or adds value to your life.
You are doing the right thing. You do what you can do, Document his unreasonable behavior, Try to focus on your self and your life and your childrens lives ( I know that sounds stupid and impossible, but This last year I have been freeting myself and the thing I regret most is the feeling that I missed out on a year of my childrens lives). Let him be the a/hole that he is. either he will blow himself out /up or he will eventually turn in to some decent person you only have to deal with occasionally.