Visitation/PAS
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| Sun, 01-28-2007 - 12:37pm |
Hello...
Making a decision about visitation. Ex has done the P.A.S. thing for well over two years now and since the final custody and divorce. These past six months, he has continued to play head games with the children unfortunately. He tried to get closest with our oldest daughter (now 10)...has shown obvious favoritism etc. He has only called the children at our home since the divorce a total of about 15 times in six months...and almost all of those calls were to the 10 year old specifically. When I try to call him, he hangs up when he hears my voice, or hands it to an employee on the occasions I called at his workplace. He has answered only one email to any I have sent. He tells the 9 and 10 year any communication he has for me, and tells them he isn't going to regularly call the kids as that is too 'artificial' and he only knows they really want to talk with him if THEY dial the phone to call him.
He would not keep the site as the email and message board for communication as was court ordered during the temp period of the divorce and custody. His brother is a computer wiz; owns a satellite dish company and sets up main frames for businesses in a tri state area...he knows ALOT about computers and the net etc. So the ex had his brother basically set up what amounts to a private server with email addresses for the two girls. I had already had email addy's through my mail account at SBC for them to use for friends etc... and I continued to pay the account at the Family Wizard site for them to use for their dad. I do not trust him having some 'private server' for their emails, as it is possible he will mess with the email, logs etc as that is the sort of thing he did during the custody situation and is why the court set up a specified company which is especially designed to help families of divorce to communicate and which is secure and neither party can 'mess' with the posts or information sent there. So when I tell the children they should use their email accounts there, they say 'daddy won't use it mom, so he won't get our emails. Plus he says he can't afford it.' Then when he doesn't get email answers back from them in a timely manner, he tells them I am 'keeping them from communicating with their daddy' and he quotes parts of the court order for them to tell me about my 'refraining from impeding communication between him and them' ...the court order says the children should be able to contact him when they 'want', and whatever parent they are not with can call them for 15 min each before 7 pm the children's time each evening. I won't even go into the fact that at the Christmas visitation three states from me, I was able to get ahold of them via the phone only three times in 12 days...*sigh. I was told things like...the grandma would answer the phone and say, "Oh they aren't home right now and I do not know when they will be returning...."click"...or it line would be busy, or just the answering machine was on. Upon their return here, they told me he would not let them call, or made them feel guilty when they asked to. Of course; he is so immature.
Basically now, he sends upsetting emails to them...explaining how much better the school system is there, saying things to disquiet them about their living situation here..tells them if they lived with him he would financially provide for them and they wouldn't be 'embarrassed to be on welfare like they are with their mom'. He of course tells them he'd let them see me anytime I came there...and that he wouldn't 'require' child support from me, once he 'gets them back'...uses partial Bible verses to bolster assertations he makes to them in the emails. His personal brand of Christianity is wonderful for him, he takes and picks and chooses which parts of the Bible 'help his case' etc. Bleh, not going to even go there any further.
One of our children is Autistic...he is 7. He has progressed these last 6 months and is continuing to do well in his special ed class here; however he has social issues, physical sensory issues etc. Since the father moved his family business out of state, the court took into consideration his financial documentation and that choice he made to move, and they ordered him to pay for transportation costs for the visitations. The court order was fairly generous for him...the standard month in the summer, half of Christmas and a several three day holiday weekends throughout the year were put in specifically for visitation. I queried the father for the first year to 18 months that one of us should accompany on the flights to the visitation, as I don't believe it in the best interests of the children for them to fly unaccompanied with a special needs brother. The father said, literally, 'Send him; he will do fine. He has to get used to it just like his brothers and sisters."
He sent the tickets only 13 days before the visitation; and decided not to send one for the oldest son. There has been some abuse issues in the past between them; however, during the end of the custody battle, they went to a couple of pschologist/counseling sessions and the boy thought he would be going to the visitation at Christmas. He feels or did feel, very pulled about his dad...despite the years of harshness and the actual abuse that occurred...he still thinks, "Well the divorce is over now, so hopefully dad and I can go forward with a new kind of relationship." I support him in hoping for a more close and healthy relationship with his dad at some time in the future (*but I don't see any evidence of the father growing or getting help for his issues, so not sure how its going to ever get healthy til he does that.)
Anyhow, so the father told me no, he did not think it important for the Autistic child to have an adult along, and he only sent four tickets - sending a hurtful email to the older son one week before Christmas to say he was not invited. Prior to that, I thought all the children would be flying there and I had agreed to let him have one extra week with them as well.
Since the older son was not invited, I did not believe it right to send our Autistic son unaccompanied with the oldest other child being 10 to try and deal with a 5 yo nt brother, and her Autistic brother as well. My ex is over $17,000 behind in child support; and the kids and I are still reeling from trying to make it during the divorce process while he played every legal and financial maneuver in the book to keep me from being able to provide well for the children. Now, visitation is not supposed to be connected in any way to whether the non custodial parent is up to date with the child support etc...I mention it here to note that I had no quick way of getting the money to buy a ticket for myself to accompany the children. Additionally at a week before Christmas, the likelihood of me getting a seat on the flight would have been very small. The tix he ups'd to us the week before they were to leave had a purchase date from several months ago; so it was obvious he planned to handle this in this manner for sometime before the visitation.
Now...our court order (*the children were placed sole legal, sole physical with me)...states he has vistation with the children for the three day weekend in February (Presidents Day etc.) However, he has told our 10 year old to tell me he wants to bring her out there for her birthday that weekend. No mention of the other children of course; and no communication with me in any way...just emails to the 10 year old and telling her and the other sister things in their phone conversations.
*Sighs...
I have from the beginning of this mess, tried my best to 'let' the children have the best relationship they can with their dad and his side of the family. I did not seek sole custody -- at first I thought 50-50 would be the best thing for THEM. I didn't want to 'take away' their dad...just wanted to protect them in the ways needed, and to move on to a healthier, non-toxic life for myself and them.
I sent them off with a hug, telling them to respect dad, to have fun with him on their visitations and time together when he was still in the same state...I very, very rarely ever said anything negative about him over the divorce process. I have always thought the only real gift I have to give them (since I was not strong enough to leave him a lot sooner than I did) was for me to facilitate ways for them to continue to have relationships with both sides of the family...for them to get as much love as ever, not less after the divorce. That has never been the way he conducted things with the kids in regards to me however. And no surprise, he continues to try to fill their head with untrue things, sometimes subtle little snide comments, and often outright lies or negative statements about their life with me.
In my fantasy, the ex and I would communicate as little as possible via email etc similar to a business relationship - about any topic related specifically to the children ie...requests for different or extended visitations, things requested to be more flexible than say the exact letter of the court order, info about their schools, extracurricular events etc. That ain't going to happen, though I wish it could. He is more caught up in his pseudo-Christian 'rights' over me and need to still control me that - even though I know he believes he loves the children very much, he is effecting them so negatively. His vindictiveness to me because I dared to get a divorce, is more important to him than just moving on with life and keeping as close to his kids as possible whenever possible but not keeping the pot stirred about 'going back to court to get my kids back" etc etc etc.
Last night he calls up the ten year old and said he has to 'have an answer' about her trip there in February as he absolutely has to pay and confirm the reservation for the plane ticket before midnight...this is typical of the type of crud he pulls. Of course she comes to me, upset again because she would like to see her dad in her birthday month. I explained to her a bit about how the adults need to do the communicating about exceptions to the visiations etc. But that doesn't help a little one, who emotionally just wants both parents and doesn't understand a lot of whats going on.
Because our custody battle was so high conflict, the judge was specific about many things in the court order. Noteably, the summer visitation month was specified...but in our current school district will conflict with start dates. So I will be going to request the court to modify in writing to change the four-week period by date. When I do that, I will mention to the judge that the father made it known he wanted to have one child alone in February and I will express that if he wants to designate specific dates to have each of the children for their birthdays, I would be willing to consider that. However, based on the continued P.A.S., (verifyable via his emails or through interviewing the kids), I do not think it in the kids' overall best interest to let the 10 year old go on this trip.
I will have no way of reasonably assuring the other children that they too will get to go to the other state and visit with dad for their birthdays, and believe me...especially between the 9 and 10 yo's this is an issue which I don't want to infect their sibling relationship. No, everything cannot be exactly fair, and literally exact in their childhood. And IF he ever decides to put the kids first, I will always be willing to be flexible and consider extra time or reasonable changes about vistitations for their sake, ...but for now, there is no way to communicate or negotiate with him. He is still caught up in a control-fest. Maybe he doesn't know how to act any other way, or because he won't seek counseling, doesn't yet have the tools to act differently with me for the kids' sake.
So now, while I know I am making the best considered decision as possible...I wait to see if he is going to have his lawyer drag me in for contempt. I still am not able to afford an attorney. The kids still have a court appointed firm to represent them however, so hopefully, what is in their best interest will be what happens. I do not really know what 'contempt' is as related to custody orders. Even though I would have a lot more hassles from him, I still wish he did not move out of state so that the kids would not have this huge chasm to deal with, but he is a grown man and could have gotten a job in this state...he CHOSE to go elsewhere. The reasons he used in making that decision may have been well thought out or not, but still, he CHOSE to go..I hope someday the kiddo's will see that.
I love them so much and they are such great kids! Making decisions and NOT being the facilitator of making the whole world happy all the time is a new role for me...its not easy and I am still having to try and not second-guess myself all the time.
I welcome any opionions or comments, or btdt tips...thanks all.
Annah

Well, contempt would be if you weren't following the visitation schedule... but it sounds like, to me, that he's not following it either.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~