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| Sun, 03-12-2006 - 8:46pm |
I have been married almost 10 years. We have 2 kids 3 and 5. I am the main breadwinner and have been for the duration - H was a grad student until a couple years ago when his head blew up and we discovered he is bi-polar. I have considered divorce MANY times over the past 3 years but tried to make things work, be supportive and hope that things between us get "fixed" once he gets himself together. Recently I have been thinking more about WHEN and less about IF.
I have so many worries. We are very much in debt. Between manic spending sprees and about a year of unemployment, my H has managed to rack up some huge debt and decimate any savings. I finally laid down the law and he has asked his parents for help but we have about $30k in credit card debt, they can only do so much. 2nd issue is his mental health - he is actually doing quite well now, had a good job (yet entry level) but has a lot of potential and I am sure will be pulling down a good salary if he can keep it together. Yet I worry about IF he can keep it together, he is such an unreasonable person that I know the day I actually say the D word he will make our lives hell. And I worry he will get thrown into manic or depressive state. Then of course, I worry the most about how to make this work with our kids. Lastly I worry about myself - I have NO friends of my own here but I think it would be best to stay where H and my in-laws who are very close to the kids are near.
How does this work? I make nearly twice what he makes. Now I control the finances for the most part. We own a house that will be very hard to sell but I'm not sure I can maintain myself. How do finances work when the wife is the breadwinner? I have no doubt I would be given custody of the kids the majority of the time (at least M-F) but don't know how any of this works. I'm not ready to go to a lawyer yet (and can't afford one!) but need to start thinking now about this stuff. All the advice I read is how to protect yourself so you can get alimony, would I have to pay alimony?
This is all a lot to handle. Need some advice here.
thanks!

andrea_511...
Pianoguy (who has been in a similar situation) feels very sad for you today. But perhaps the following suggestions will help....at least a little?
As long as there are credit cards with both your names on them, the 2 of you are equally responsible for the debts. So that's probably where you need to start?
Depending upon how much equity is in your home, you either sell it...or offer to buy your husband's share in exchange for TOTAL OWNERSHIP. But if he agrees to the arrangement, you'll need something in writing that indicates he'll be OUT OF THE HOUSE within 30 days or less.
The children might be a stickier issue? Even though you're the breadwinner...the "dad" has parental rights! Not knowing the relationship you have with HIS PARENTS, you should probably consult a legal expert on this one?
With any sort of depression...I think the combination of ALL-NEGATIVES (lack of work, too many bills, emotional unbalance, health issues, etc.)...it's hard for any man (or woman) to realize that GETTING HELP IS ESSENTIAL?
You didn't indicate in your post if there's a minister or a trusted mutual friend who can help you work through some of your emotional problems? But if I were in your shoes, that's where I'd begin? Sometimes an understanding (not judgemental) 3rd party can provide a different point of view before a marriage is ready to completely dissolve?
Best wishes and warm thoughts...
Pianoguy
Thanks Pianoguy. Some more info - I realize that while I am not responsible per se for our debt that it IS my responsibility as well. I do not have a problem with bearing half of that and I think that is just part of what you sign up for when you get married. It just makes it so much more complicated!
H has a psychiatrist and is doing well, on the right medications now but has a tendency to stop taking them which is dangerous. I have already decided that if/when the time comes I will talk with his doctor first.
We have tried to make this work many ways but in a nutshell I think there is just too much water under the bridge and while I care for him, I don't love him anymore. I suspect he would not say the same about me, but would agree that there is not much love between us now. Its not easy to say but true. He is a good father most of the time and my goal would be to have equal roles in our children's lives, I have no desire to take the kids away from him or his family. But we are at a point where staying together is probably doing much more damage to them than if we were apart.
I would love to do this fairly and equitably for both our good and our children but I do not see that happening, he is just a person that can't get over things and lets anger get the best of him. I know he will not be reasonable in any way, shape or form and worry about this turning into some type of bitter battle. I'm not sure if there is anything I can do other than try to get our ducks in a row for if/when this happens.
Andrea
Hi Andrea.... I suggest that you have a consultation with an attorney.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hello again, Andrea!
Pianoguy admires your honesty when it comes to LOVE...or lack of it?
There are too many couples out there...who are in emotional trouble...that wish to realize the ILU phrase no longer applies. Your situation is a bit more complicated due to the meds and therapy.
Hopefully, your almost EX-husband isn't getting a bad drug reaction? You'd be amazed how many prescriptions---that are supposed to correct or subdue a physical problem---can actually bring about ADDITIONAL ONES? So you might want to have the chat with his doctor about potential 'side effects?'
While it sounds like you're going to have to 'bear the burden' connected with the divorce, it might not be a bad idea to solicit a little assistance from family members (and friends) who understand your situation?
Trust me....there's "strength in numbers"---so don't be afraid to ask for help!
Pianoguy