want to leave but don't know how

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
want to leave but don't know how
4
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 8:36am
I am 41, married 20 years with 3 kids ag 18, 16 and 13.
I have been unhappily married for probably most of my marriage but never acknowleged it until 2 years ago when I realized just exactly how empty I feel about our whole relationship. There have been cocaine/alcohol issues in our marriage, he is never there as a father, we have never connected on an emotional level either. When I try to tell him how I am feeling he says "if you are just going to tell me crap like that then don't even bother talking to me. You need to learn to sweep your feelings under a rug and put a smile on your face"
I told him March of 2005 I want a divorce and he begged me to stay, so I did. We went through counseling, romantic weekends away etc.
Thing is, I just don't love him at all anymore. I have had 2 affairs in the past 2 years and although I feel absolutely NO guilt in doing this...........I do feel its unfair to him to be with me and live in this little bubble as if everything is fine. I am one of those wives who just puts on the happy face everyday to avoid confrontation. On the other hand, I don't know how he CAN"T see that I am unhappy. I fake it everytime we have sex and he always says "wow, that sounded great for you" and in my most monotone, unfeeling voice I say "yeah, sure". How can he NOT hear that I have no convinction in my voice when I respond? He just lives in denial and thinks that things are great. He tells everyone at work we are so happy etc and its all just a lie.
But I just can't live like this anymore. He deserves to be with someone who really loves him in that marital kind of way instead of spending his life with me when I only care about him like a friend would. This is a man who is 50 years old and gets up and watches cartoons everyday and again at night. Ninja turtles, Pokemon, etc. He LOVES cartoons. I am someone who likes to accomplish things, loves to socialize etc. He wants none of this. He likes to work, watch t.v. and thats it. We can be in a room together and barely say a word to each other and I find I am just SO brain dead being with him.
So, the problem is that I don't know how to leave him. I just started a new job and we are going through a bankruptcy right now so I don't have the money to just up and leave. At the same time, I don't know how much longer I can hold out. When I told him last time I wanted a divorce he instantly became very venemous and took all our checks, credit cards etc so I could have nothing. He made me sleep in the basement until my oldest son gave me his room. The kids think he is a jerk in general unfortunately.
So how do you go when you don't have anything to fall back on? Should I just tell him and hope for the best and that maybe time has shown him its not going to work.
I am just so confused right now and everyday is a struggle anymore.
Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 11:10am
OMG, you're situation sounds so similiar to mine it's almost creepy..with the same exact issues...I have 4 children as well, and live in a situation where I can own nothing...and H has more rights to my children than I do...I have been married for 18 icky yrs...where alcol has been a huge issue and he had slowed down and even stopped for about five of that, but is at it again. He has a good job, and aver the last 9 yrs. has taken better care and became involved with the kids...and now uses this a guilt tool to control me...my children do not want to leave here, but I do. He accuses me of breaking up our "happy home" and complains that the kids will probably become drug addicts or worse if I leave, and this will all be my fault, and why would I want to throw away 18 yrs? I sai"18 years of what?" It has been a struggle all along and I stayed because I wanted to give my kids a father. I have'nt even been intimate w/ him for about 8 months and even before that it was pretty eratic...just cant work up the enthusiasm, or even the desire..he asked if this was because he is now overweight and "ugly". It has nothing to do with this except that we have nothing in common except for the kids. He accuses me of hating his family, hating his community members, you name it. He accuses me of just wanting to find another man as well. Which is'nt far from the truth, but have been having an affair for the past year, which will probably go nowhere, but I just want to be out on my own with my kids, he says that they do not want to leave, and that is OK. I will always be their mother and am willing to go to court, but along with you, I have few resourses, so here's what I am doing: I got a savings account and put a little bit in there each week from my paycheck, it takes some work, but you will see your account add up quickly...good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 2:46pm
Yes, our situations are very similar.
Its funny you mentioned the bank account cause today I took 100$ of his check and put in my safe deposit so its untraceable. I am lucky because he gives me all the money and I handle our finances.
Do you happen to live in Michigan by chance!!!
That would truly be weird.
Feel free to write for support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 1:53pm
Actually, I live in Maine, so, close enough! Same type of culture medium I think...rural atmosphere, only we don't have the cities like you guys do over there. Putting money away and trying not to touch it at all is what I am working towards..even if its just 20 or 30 bucks a week..it adds up fast..so you've got a good start. Also, I took on another job..tired all the time, but worth it in the end I think...also good for the resume.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 4:47pm

Hi, and welcome to the board. I am a big supporter of trying everything you can to save a marriage before you divorce. But in this case, it really seems like your mind is made up. There are some things that time and counseling just can not fix. I'm sure it's taken a lot for you to admit to yourself that your 20-year marriage is no longer viable.


You mentioned you don't have the money to just up and leave, and I completely understand that. I had to stay in my marriage a lot longer than I wanted to because of lack of money to leave. In the end, the only way I was able to pay my lawyer a retainer and have enough money to put down on an apartment was by taking out a loan against my 401k. Is that an option for you? Or do you have any family members that are in the position to help you financially?



This is why it is so important to see a lawyer. I would do that before you ask for a divorce. Most will give a free consultation. Not to be harsh, but after you actually file papers, he can't just run around and take all of the money and force you to sleep in the basement. Hang in there, and please keep posting.




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