want my kids to be decent, NOT like him!
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| Fri, 05-26-2006 - 1:31am |
WARNING: Otherwise perfectly nice person venting here; some remarks may seem less than charitable, and I know the situation is not unique--but, please read on for my actual question, which is tearing me apart as I try to raise my children to be decent...
Here's the one thing that's been driving me crazy: how can I reconcile the fact that the kids' dad is such a liar, thief, fraud, cheater, jerk, selfish egoist, etc. with the fact that he is the kids' dad and any kid needs their dad?
Especially when because of his actions we lost our house, our things, our life, and the kids are wearing hand-me-downs while he shows up in new clothes whenever he actually shows up to pick them up in his brand new car? Right now, he's trying to get the child support (currently at the minimum) reduced because he just figured out that he doesn't get all those cool deductions on his taxes anymore. I guess that not paying the medical bills like he's supposed to isn't freeing up enough wardrobe money...
Also, he keeps trying to ram his mistress down everyone's throat (you know, the woman he ditched us for) and keeps trying to "legitimize" their relationship as if they are oh so innocent when even the kids know he was "with" her while we were still married (they were indiscreet and the kids saw them kissing and stuff). Does he think they/we/I am stupid?
Right now, the kids see their dad basically getting away with murder, while mom gets slammed every time for trying to play by the rules and just be a regular person (who happens to work three jobs just to survive). How can I tell them with a straight face that it's important to honor commitments, to be honest, to not lie, cheat or steal from others, to be someone decent?
Will there come a time when the kids, although they of course want to love and be loved by their dad, realize that while he is their dad, he is not an appropriate role model? I'm so worried that my young daughters (5 and 12) will think it's ok to "date" a married man, or that my son (16) will figure why bother trying to be honorable...I'm trying so hard to just survive and keep on trying to teach them what I hope will help them find peace of mind in life, but this guy just keeps on doing what he does!
He never stops screwing us over!! He has stolen from us, committed fraud against me, reneged on promises made to me and the children, and violated the divorce decree on many points. And nothing happens to him!! I filed a police report on the fraud--nothing happened. I reported as stolen the car he was supposed to turn over to me--nothing. I called the attorney who did the divorce to tell him about the medical bills--nothing.
Besides feeling totally screwed and unprotected, I'm so very concerned that the kids will think it's better to be like him and get away with these actions than to be like me and be stupid and try to do what's "right"...
I finally met the mistress and she's as clueless as he is. She said she doesn't want to get involved in the problems between me and my ex. I'm like, um, lady, you ARE the problems, gimme a break! They seem to feed each other on this fantasy that they are two innocent young lovers out in the world and how could anyone find fault with the purity of their true love? Ugh! Are all adulterers like this? I mean, seriously, who do they think they are KIDDING?
But, I have to deal with this somehow, because I live in Texas, where there is capital punishment (just kidding) and my children have suffered enough. I just don't want to feel like if I don't poke out her one good eye (the guy ditched me for a cyclops, can you believe it?) and I try to be civil, will the kids think that what they've done is ok? Especially when they refuse to acknowledge what they've done to the children by (for starters) disrespecting them with their indiscreet and inappropriate behavior?
Aughhhh!!!! Thank you for the opportunity to rant a bit...there's no one I can really talk to about this, and you know I can never say this in front of the kids. But, it's killing me. I don't have a problem with moving on and trying to have things be open and ok, but he is just such a s#$%!! He wants to have his cake and eat it too by having everyone accept this slut as a saint and that's just not right! I don't lie to my children ever, so why do I have to start now, to protect HER?!?!?!!?
So, what have y'all done? How far away can I get from these horrible people without denying the kids their right to be close to their dad (although HE's the one who moved to the other side of town to be close to his cyclops)? Please, if anyone can help me because this is one of the things that has really had me down (in addition to the money problems, the legal problems, the school/work/family problems, the loneliness, the frustration, the anger, the pain, you get the idea).
Thanks for reading in any case...

hugs.... hope the venting helped you somewhat.
look - you can't fix the world, and you know that there are bad /evil/criminal people who get away with murder and every other crime on earth but *we* don't act that way. *I* don't think its hypocritical to teach your kids to be good and honest
my DS's (20 yo) bio dad is a dead beat. my DS's former step father is a horrible abusive, controlling sick man. my DS is not like either of them. he learnt - mostly on his own, and some thru therapy - that he doesn't want to be like them. he learnt some things from me, and some of who he is is "him". yes, it was hard when he was younger, i also felt like you at times - i got so 'tired' of being the 'good' one, of always doing what's right, of always being an example, etc. but hey - that's the way i am. and now, looking back - i am not sorry that i raised my son the way i raised him because he is an honest and caring young man. to be honest, the ONLY thing i am sorry about is not going to therapy sooner, because , like you, i did have a lot of anger and frustration inside.
hang in there. hold your head up high and don't let your stupid ex control your life.
Thank you for your very kind reply! :)
And, y'know, it's funny you should mention that I shouldn't let my ex- control my life...I just got off the phone with him where he's saying that since he moved to the other side of town (an hour away) to be closer to his mistress, I should "share" in driving the kids back and forth (as if I had the time or gas money to do that!). He actually thinks that's reasonable!! Aughhhhh!!! I mean, HE's the one who decided to move down there!
In any case, it's nice to hear somebody who's gotten to the other side of it and made it ok. Thanks for sharing how it was for you...now I've just got to figure out how to grit my teeth and be pleasant and hope it all sorts itself out for the kids.
In the meantime, though, he's going to keep throwing monkey wrenches in whatever I try to do. Since he doesn't want to come and pick up the kids, I had to cancel my plans for this evening. No matter what happens, he never has any negative effects. Dang! :)
Oh, well, now I feel like Miss Melanie in Gone With the Wind, who was so noble, she gave her husband's prostitute a ride in her wagon...of course, I hope I don't end up like her! LOL Hope you have a wonderful weekend. I really appreciate the hugs.
Cheers,
Jody
<<>> now, did i say you had to be pleasant to him??
one more bit of advice BTW - make sure that your kids know exactly whose responsibility is what. don't try and make excuses for your ex, don't try to cover his you-know-what. i am not saying you have to be mean and nasty, but just don't enable him any more. i don't remember how old your kids are - but if he calls and says he can't pick up the kids - simply hand the phone to your kids and let him tell THEM. i know its hard, because you have to make other plans for your kids, or find a baby sitter (BTDT)...
I could have written your post. Honorable!! Now there is a concept!! Being a man, another!! Have self dignity, whoa one more!! All qualities my stbx does not posess. I often wonder how I will teach my children that this is not the best way to live and not always good choices to make.
But, as my son has gotten older I have found that it is quite possible he learned as much from my good examples as he has from his fathers bad examples. There is a teaching in bad examples, too. If both of you only provided bad examples, the kids got nothing to compare it to. But, one good and one bad, now there is another story. Kids have a conscious, too. They like to feel good about themselves and their behavior. Remind and reward when they make good choices.
But, I completely know the feeling. My stbx has no conscious. He is very selfish. He doesnt care how things affect me or the kids. If we had to be thrown out on the street he woudln't care, he'd think 'thats their problem'.
Hang in there. I am a beleiver of Karma. And these type of people will get theirs.
Jan