Wanting Support, not Criticism

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wanting Support, not Criticism
15
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 10:23am

I post regularly on Single Mothers and Dating mostly because I was a full time member and CL there after my first divorce. Well, I am separated from DH #2 and we have not declared the end yet. He's moved out but we are talking and he comes over and we spend time together. The girls at SMAD are already post divorce mostly and seeing other guys off and on so they are so far past the effects of the divorce. I am not past my split yet.

He's upset right now because I am insecure over my cheating ex and have accused DH of many things he has not done. We have hurt one another with words and actions, but we do love one another immensely and he is just mentally shut down right now. I am learning to accept that he would never do to me what my ex did and hopefully we can reconcile.

Why is it foolish to hope for that? Why when I've seen it done is it pathetic to love him so much when I know he loves me too?

~Melissa~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 12:12pm
I have been in counseling since this began. My counselor sees a lot of progress in me so far. I have really accepted it more than I thought I would by now. I know it is a long road to get the marriage back if we do, but it takes both of us trying to get it back. If either of us grows tired of trying, it will be over.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 12:16pm
I met my husband 3 months post divorce. It was horrible timing, but I never took time to deal with my 1st husband's infidelity. I dove into working and having fun and "forgot" about it. I appeared confident and happy and independent and my now husband was turned on over that. He realized after I moved in with him and quit working since we moved to another town that I was insecure. I had no friends, no job, nothing to do. All I began to do was wonder what he was doing. After marrying me, he thought I'd change. I didn't and now 3 years later, he's grown tired of it and moved out. My advice....do not rush into anything. Date if you want, but remember to keep it simple. Tell a guy UP FRONT you are not ready for commitment and just want to date and keep it casual. It is not fair to lead anyone on like I did my husband. He thought I was more well put together than that. I am really, but at that moment, I was a wreck and I was not fair to him.

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 12:18pm
I am not bashing them. And this response to me was inappropriate. I love those girls but some of them are bitter because of what happened to them. I am just looking for support in what I am going through. If you cannot offer it, that is fine, but bashing me for asking is not fair either.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 1:02pm

You're being way too hard on yourself. If we all waited until we were perfect, we'd never get married ;)

I got together with my current H while I was going through my divorce. I knew the timing was poor, but in my heart, I knew it was the right decision. Sometimes, we just have to listen to our gut. I'm not saying that we could completely disregard other people's feelings and circumstances, but our gut instincts are very important.

You were not, and are not, a wreck. You just have some issues to work on, and you are doing that through counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 8:31am
I really appreciate those comments. It means a lot. I had some friends come over Saturday night and one guy there could understand what I have gone thru (my post partum depression breakdown) because he himself did something he is ashamed of out of depression. So I told him about it. He's a good friend and I knew he would not judge me. No, there will never be a romance between us....he's like a brother, but I could confide in him over this. He did say that I'd better not ever do that again (the incident) and I promised I wouldn't....and haven't in over 2 years. (I was suicidal). Now I am feeling better because I know how many people love me. I know I have so much to live for and that is the real deal. I have healed so much. I love my DH so much. And it hurt me this weekend that he didn't call me at all and it's been 5 days since he's seen the kids. He was busy with work and had some work functions this weekend with his boss so I know he was just busy, but he won't even answer the phone when he's doing this stuff and all I ask is that he not ignore my calls....just answer and say, "Melissa, I can't talk right now, is it important?" If it isn't, I'd tell him. I don't call all the time. I did not contact him all weekend except last night to tell him the kids were not home since I have to work today (my parents have them today). He didn't pick up. Never even bothered to return the call, never even tried to contact me to ask how the kids are!!! It hurts me because they didn't ask for this. If he's not wanting to talk to me, that is fine...I'm okay with that....okay, I'm not but I deal with it and leave him alone. His ex wife is in town visiting her twin sister. Her twin is married to my DH"s cousin. They just had a baby Thursday. Shane has been to the hospital (as have I) and he's seen his ex. She left him and he was severely depressed over it. I can't help but to think he is avoiding me because he'e not over her and he's thinking about her. But my insecurity is always there. I know in my heart that is not true. And he promised that he no longer feels that way about her. He said he will always love her in a way, but not like he loves me and that the love he has felt for me runs deeper than anyone else...ever. I gave him a child. I just get scared sometimes that he will say he wants a divorce after all.

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