Was this abuse? (xpost)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2011
Was this abuse? (xpost)
5
Wed, 11-23-2011 - 12:58pm

I have already filed for divorce from my soon-to-be-ex. It was a hard road, especially since we have a 5-month-old son together, but I knew I was terribly unhappy and needed a healthier environment for my son.

I know for a fact my ex verbally and emotionally abused me. But what about physical abuse? i don't know if I am being "too nice" or in denial, but I think what he did was certainly very wrong.

It started when our LO was about a month old. We were in our bedroom and LO was asleep in his room. Ex and I were arguing, as we often did, and he started yelling at me. I told him to please be quiet, don't wake up the baby, but he kept on yelling. I reached over to him with one finger out, saying "SHHH." He roughly and tightly grabbed me by both upper arms and threw me onto my back on the bed, with his body and strength over me, pinning me down. He was yelling, "Stop it, stop it!" I of course was screaming, and then when he let go, I ran into the other room. He told me he only did it because I was in his face. My arms were sore for days, but no bruises.

Another time, he was yelling at me, threatening to take my son away, and saying he would leave. I was begging him to stay (yes, I was stupid, but also very sleep-deprived). I was holding our son, who was six weeks old. Ex walked by, and I reached out to touch him (but didn't actually touch him); ex took his hand, placed it on my arm, and pushed me back. I actually lost my balance and fell to the ground with LO. We were both okay, but ex said I didn't give him a choice since I was "in [his way."

Another time, ex was saying he would leave again, and started packing a suitcase. I, again, was asking him not to leave, and was holding our young son again. I reached into his suitcase and began throwing items out of it...well, not items, just one shoe. He put one hand flat against my chest and very strongly pushed me back two steps. Again, he says I left him no choice because I was in his way and obstructing him. In fact, he said if I stood in his way again, he would call the police on me.

Finally, when LO was about six weeks old, he fell asleep at around 5am after a feeding. we were in the living room and ex started taking off my clothes, with no warning. I tried to move out of the way a few times, but he was very insistent, so I just stood there. When he finished all of that, he started placing me in different positions; I did not move or utter a sound, but started to cry very hard. When he switched toa different positon, he saw me crying, and asked "What's wrong?" I wouldn't answer, or couldn't answer, but just kept crying. He then said, "Just give me a minute," and finished. When we were done, he told me he thought I was crying because it hurt. So why wouldn't he stop? I was crying beecause the last thign I wanted to do was have sex with him, but I wasn't strong enough to say anything because I was scared of him.

I have had to deal with continuous threats to take my son away from me, lots of verbal abuse, name-calling, spreading lies about me to his family and friends, threats to take all of my property, etc. Somehow I rose above all of that and filed for divorce. But, was what he did physical abuse? I know lots of women have it much worse than what happened to me. My lawyer knows what happened and advises me to not have much contact with him unless it's about the baby. He sees the baby about twice a week for two hours. I know if I pushed for sole physical custody, he would start bringing out how unstable i am, how emotionally unbalanced, how I cannot care for our son (even though I'm doing a damn good job...I do a thousand percent more than he does), and one time when the vebal abuse was esp awful I told him I wished I were dead. He told me he would use that against me in court.

When I later confronted him about the pushing he was insistent it was NOT physical abuse. He wouldn't even admit it was pushing.

ANYWAY sorry for the long post. I am just trying to work past some of these feelings. I am so much more happy now that he's gone. I want a good role model for my son, and I hope I can provide that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-23-2011 - 1:59pm

Yes what he did was physical abuse--pushing and holding you down so you can't get up is definitely abuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2011
Thu, 11-24-2011 - 9:13am
Well, it's not just him--my family and friends haven't really told me "what he did was wrong." My lawyer is good but I do nothave the funds to have a custody battle. I contacted a local divorce group that offers legal advocacy and the lawyer told me to come in and talk, that I need to fight now and not later. As a lawyer, do you think I have a case against him? Or would a judge just dismiss both of us as ridiculous and implement a standard order? (I'm in Texas.) I guess I'm just afraid that if I fight it will backfire on me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 11-24-2011 - 11:12am

Hi;

Yes; what he did was def. physical abuse.. but are you still in the same house?

Do you have a restraining order against stbx??

what are

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 11-24-2011 - 7:36pm

I don't know about TX but in MA judges take DV very seriously and there is a law that the presumption is that a person who has been accused of DV should not have custody of their kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Thu, 11-24-2011 - 10:42pm

Yes, this is physical abuse.

Formerly heartacheafter7years