Was he my last chance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2007
Was he my last chance?
13
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 12:32am

When is this going to get better. I feel like he was my last chance, and I won't ever find anyone again. The thought of being alone, panic sets in. I feel like a train-wreck, and noooooo man, wants that. I don't want a relationship right now, but I just hope that I can find someone, some day. It's just been a really bad day. I miss him so much, but I fought tooth and nail, against this divorce, I prayed, I cried, I begged, I made a fool of myself for this man, and it didn't make a difference. I've held out hope for so long, and I have to stop. But how do I stop loving this man, that I gave all my love to, he was not only my husband, he was also my best friend. So I've lost both. I miss talking to him. I miss him. I know that alot of people on this board, wanted a divorce from their husbands. I did not, I wanted so much a for a second chance, with him. I just want to be able to get over him, and not hurt so much. How do I do this? I just want to stop hurting! The stress is making me sick to stomach, and I cry all the time. I talked to a therapist, but that was one time, and just drudged up memories. I don't see her again until March. I just want to be a normal happy woman, again. Not a mess, which I am now! Any guidance would be helpful.

Thank you so much for listening, it does help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 11:23am

We are here for you HUGS I know times are tough and the wounds are fresh but time does heal all wounds it will be 2 yrs for me on Nov 14th and after my divorce I was in the same boat truth be told I wanted to stay and work things out but he didn't he left and I was devestated but now 2 yrs later I started to recently see my best friend for the past 12 yrs he has been there for me till the end and so far so good so there is hope hang in there and my ex hub was also my best friend at times I miss talking to him but at the end of the day I realize why be with someone that didnt want to be with me in the 1st place how refreshing it is to be with someone now that really does care about me

Peace

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 11:34am

I feel the same way you do. I have also begged and pleaded but I am not what he wants. I have given myself to this man and when I said til death do us part I meant it. Somedays I do feel like I am going to die, but then I pull myself back up and look at my 3 beautiful children and say I am going to be OK . They say divorce is the worst kind of rejection because it changes your whole world and I believe that. Everything I am and have been for the past 13 years revolves on being his wife and the mother to his children but I am trying to redefine myself. I have checked into going back to school. I have looked into a group called divorce cares(they have great emails that send you hope everyday that things will get better) I am trying to come to peace that we are over and somedays I believe it other days I think he is going to come back and we will be a family again. OH well hang in there and I will do the same. Good luck and they say this whole thing gets better with time.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 1:06pm

You need time! This hurt is so fresh, how could you be expected to feel any other way than you do now. You are at your lowest now and, if you work on getting yourself whole again you can certainly go out and find someone much better! Someone who deserves you. But, from your post it clear that you know that time is not near. There is important work to be done!

My first advice to you would be to look up some relaxation tips on the net (I like breathing excercises and yoga but, there are many avenues - positive affirmations may be of help to you). My second piece of advice would be to sit down and make 3 lists. One which lists longterm goals (next 1-5 years maybe). One which lists short term goals (1 week - 6 months - the stepping stones to the big list). One list which lists what you will do today and tomorrow (immediate gratification and steps towards your short term goals). This way you have an immediate boost (it feels SO good to cross stuff off a list). It also organizes your thoughts for the big picture, you will feel better when you are working towards a clearly defined master plan...your plan, for you! I hope this helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 1:16pm

Pink,

I'm sorry you are still struggling. I wish i could tell you that i understand your pain and grief. However, I left my h because he was an alcoholic. I still love him, but i've lost all respect for him.

What i do understand is your sense of loss. my stbx was also my best friend, and i loved him. i married him at 19, he was the only man i had ever been intimate with. he was always there for me, he held my hand, he was a great father, my parents loved him, but he left ME and OUR children for booze. i pleaded with him to get help, go to mc, ic, anything. he went to rehab for 3 days and stayed sober for 10 weeks. then he started drinking again. within 2 weeks of drinking, he quit yet another job. so once again, no income, no health insurance for his children, and for that, I hate him. WE had plans: retire in 7 years, move to the coast, cook together, walk the beach together, grow old and someday,enjoy our grandchildren together. now i have nothing, but i am learning to accept that. i am learning that he does not complete me. (therapy is great)

I thought he was my soul mate, but now i'm not so sure. i only left him 4 weeks ago, and i don't miss him in the least. he went from lover, friend, soul mate to liability. The tension in my home has lifted, i am so much happier, my children are happier. it will get better.

i guess what i am trying to tell you is that maybe this is Gods way of showing you that there is something better. (i am not an overly religious person, but i gain peace by believing that all things happen for a reason.) i am starting over at 40, i dropped out of college to move and support my h, i have 2 beautiful children, i am bankrupt, my house is gone, i have to account for every penny in my check book, BUT i think i am on the road to happiness.

A dear friend sent me an email this morning. this is what it said:

"You seem to be in a "winter" period (we all have them). Soon enough you will emerge in to "spring" and you will have warm weather and bright flowers at your feet! I know it will be so."

So Pink, copy and paste those words of wisdom and PRINT IT OUT on some pretty pastel paper and look at from time to time. We all have a purpose, we all have someone out there to help us. They may not stay in our lives forever, but they may just touch your heart and help.

I'm thinking of you!

C

and BTW:

I hate valentines day. Its a stupid made up "hallmark" holiday designed to make us feel guilty if we don't get or give a gift. my stbx and i never celebrated it, because we "loved" eachother everyday. Hmm, funny how things change.

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 1:35pm

I feel your pain. I understand I did samething. I cried and and pleaed and also made no differece. It was his choice to leave and I couldn't do anything about it. He was the only man I knew. He was my first love which lasted for 16 years. This was not suppose to happen, but I have to realize that I can't make someone love me, if they don't. I have to learn to be strong for my kids and myself. I still love him and think about him so much, how can I not. I know he will be in my heart always, no matter how much pain he has caused. Its been over a year now that he left, it has gotten easier to deal with, but I do still think about him. Sometimes when I see him, its hard, because I just want to reach out to him, but I can no longer do that. They say things happen for a reason, well there better be a good reason for this. One day we will find someone who will love us always, may happen when we least expect it. Hang in there your not alone. How long has your husband been gone? If you need someone to talk to, you can email me anytime at maricela.ygeneralsilicones.com.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 1:37pm

I too wanted a second chance with my Wife of 18 1/2 years. I had to move out since
she wants a divorce 100% and going to see our pastor and marrage consouling didn't help.

I know your pain of wanting a second chance...and not getting it.

We both have lawyers now...every day seems like pure pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 1:42pm
Oh Pink, Huge Hugs! I could have written your post. I can't tell you how to stop loving or hoping because I haven't stopped myself. I can tell you two years later I am better. It's not as hard. Example-Last year valentines day everytime someone in our office got flowers I cried. Today I have been able to hold it off till noon. Maybe next year it will be till the end of the day. Why are you only seeing your therapist once a month? I see mine every two weeks. Sweetie I've got some book suggestions for you....Try-Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer. These may seem like odd choices when you read the covers, but there are good messages in all of them that may help you heal. This is just going to take time. I don't remember how far out you are from your divorce. I know we will survive. Take it one day at a time, one minute at a time if that is all you can handle. I don't know where you stand on faith, but I have faith that God has a plan for me. I hope and pray it is to return to the family I know, but if it isn't I know he will take care of me each and everyday as he has done for the last two years. If you would like you can email me through my profile and we can talk more.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 1:45pm
Mary, Huge Hugs to you too! We are going to make it. Good Luck.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 11:41pm
pink
I read your page tonight along with married for 25 yrs. I could relate to both of you so much. my husband desided after 28yrs he didnt love me any more. he was my best friend we did everything together. I though we had the fairy tail marrage the one that would last forever. It was just as much a shock to our friends and family and like you I cryed and begged I didnt want to lose my best friend either, I still dont, but I know the only wayI can survive is to try and move on. so now I only give my self 2 min. a day to cry ,and no sad music because that only makes it worse. I dont know how long its been for you but my husbands been out of the house for 8 months and I cant get use to it im hoping in time I will . anyway I just wanted you to know there are other people like you I happen to be one and reading your page helped me to know im not the only one! Belinda
Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 1:18pm

I am probably one of the women here who wanted the divorce, but that was not always the case. In the beginning of the end (the first time he told me he didn't love me or want to be with me), I too begged and pleaded. I too feel like I made a fool of myself for my husband, doing whatever he wanted. I lost weight as he asked, changed how I wore my hair, let him pick out my clothing, worked out all the time, kicked the kids out of our bed, weaned my toddler, stopped homeschooling our daughter - all things he wanted in order for us to "try to work it out" but it was never enough. Try to feel glad that you were set free from the start, there really was nothing you could do if it was really over for him. I worked and worked for several years at keeping my now ex happy - through him losing his job and a bankruptcy and yet another seperation until I was ready to want the divorce. At that point I was no longer a wreck about what was happening, I was empowered and ready to move forward. You will feel this way in time too and then you'll be ready to meet someone else. I'm now loved the way I should be and happier than I could have ever imagined when things were at their worst. Hang in there.

Melanie

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