was I wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2005
was I wrong?
4
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 11:49pm
My H sent my daughter a check in the mail yeasterday. I got very upset about it. The check was from my H's gf. The letter that was enclosed was from my H's gf. He addressed the envelope. My daughter saw that there was a letter enclosed, she said "oh wow he wrote me a letter". As she was opening it, I heard her say "what the hell" this is one of her checks, then she said "this letter is from her, I'm not reading this". I heard the disappointment in my daughters voice. I know, she's 23, can make up her own mind, however, I still got very upset, and I didn't want her to keep it. She ended up tearing it in half. I know that somewhere down the line my H will throw this in her face. I also know that my H has lied so much to my children that they don't belevie anything he says.
they also have no use for his gf, they don't want to get to know her, they don't want anything to do with her. My children are very upset with their father right now, he knows this, he has to also know that he can't buy my daughter's forgiveness and he can't buy her love. She loves him, he's her Dad, however he lied terribly to her. It was bad enough he was lieing to me, he also lied to our kids. Was I wrong to get upset? Input and advice please?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: rhea57
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 8:18am

You don't say how long you have been separated/divorced and how long your *adult* daughter has been dealing with this.

Your dd has every right to respond to the situation any way she choses. You can give her love and support and you can even be upset. I guess I just would say -- don't add fuel to her fire -- don't tell her how she should feel. If you are upset -- ok. If she isn't that is ok, too.

Sounds like she was upset and I can imagine why she would be -- Dad has disapointed her again and GF is trying to win her allegiance through money or something. Of course, the GF may have good intentions, but I can't address that.

Hth,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2005
In reply to: rhea57
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 8:47am
It will be 2 years this month that he left me. We briefly re-united for 4 months this year. He had the gf before, she lived with him for 7 months, he supported her, she doesn't work, he gave me nothing. They got into a huge battle, where she was "violent" as my H put it. She had started physically beating my H, threats were coming in from her and her family. The last big battle they had was over life insurance. He had to take a plane from SC to MD, she wanted him to put her as beneficiary on his life insurance from his employer, when he refused, thats when she really beat the crap out of him. Come to find out, he wouldn't be able to put her down, my H is still legally married to me. I Helped him move from SC to MD, his job rellocated him there. That is when he kept telling our children major lies. I can't help but be a little cautious about this letter, why they would send it certified letter, I'm not sure. It's very sad, it will be 32 years we've been married next month. Our children are grown, there are 3 grandchildren involved, they aren't going to know him, the 2 older ones know, the baby won't know. This was a time in our lives that I wanted for and looked forward to for many years, for him to just make plans and just up and leave me 2 years ago. He never really left me, he always kept me hanging even while he was in SC. Of course now that he has this gf, and she's doing all the dirty work for him, he no longer needs me. I sent him an e-mail telling him what had happened, how my daughter was upset, I told him that when the violence starts up again with his gf, that he isn't to come to me anymore, I won't be his safe haven any longer.
Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: rhea57
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 5:27pm

Oh wow.

Is the GF in MD too?

Oh, yeah, stear clear and I think your dd probably did the right thing. How bizarre.

My sympathy on an incredibly painful and complicated situation.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2005
In reply to: rhea57
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 7:27pm
Yes GF is in Md. also. He went to get her in SC a couple of weeks ago. I'm glad that my daughter tore the check also, she said seeing how upset I got made her feel that the check just wasn't worth it. I knew she was upset when she saw the letter was from the GF and my H. That of course only added more fuel to my fire. He has tried to talk to my daughters about what is going on with him and the GF. He claims that him and her aren't going to do anything that God doesn't want them to do. Funny, I think somewhere in the Bible it says that a married man living with another woman that isn't his wife is somehow not right??? Anyways, my daughters called him on it, they send him some religious sayings. EX: One was thou shall not commit adultry. My daughter added that this means that when you take a vow to one woman you keep that vow with her, it doesn't pretain to your live in GF. Thou shall not kill. Technically, you didn't kill anyone, you sue made my Mom feel like she wanted to die. Those are just a couple of things that my daughters are saying to him. He also claims and his GF said that my H and her are going to do things the right way this time. To them, the right way is cancelling my car insurance, it is taking my name off as beneficiary of his life insurance policy with his employer. The right way to them is to wipe me out completely, this woman beat my husband because he wouldn't put her as beneficiary. Right before he threw her out of his apartment in SC, he bought a new bedroom and living room set, he gave them to her, he told her to take them. I can almost guarentee that she still had them when he called her, I know my H very well, that is one of the deciding factors for them to get back together. He had no furniture in his new apartment, I didn't have a chance to get it fully furnished before I came back to CT. By the way, we spent 4 months together, my H and I, I left MD to come to CT to help our oldest daughter with her children. She just had our grandson in May. I wasn't gone a week and he had her on the phone again. My therapist is right, that in itself, is the biggest hurt of them all. My H misled me, he lied, he misled our children, he lied to them, now he's trying to buy their forgiveness and love. It works for his GF's family, he gave them a lot of money for drugs and many other things. He gave me nothing while he was with her. I'm just glad that the profit sharing from his previous employer was finally disbursed and I got my half of it. Yes very bizzare, that's my H. He's has finally found a woman who is just like himself, all into money, all into breaking laws, she knows her way around the system very well, he's a quick learner.