Was it me?
Find a Conversation
Was it me?
| Sat, 07-01-2006 - 10:29am |
Do you ever ask yourself that? Was it me? Was I crazy/wrong for wanting or expecting this, that or the other? Well, towards the end of my marriage, I realized we never did anything alone, as a couple or a family, my ex would always invite one or more friends on trips, picnics, going to the beach, etc. I realized this one morning when we woke up with no plans and I suggested we go canoeing, something we both loved to do and hadn’t done in a while. My ex opposed to my idea because we didn’t have any friends lined up to go with us and we hadn’t “planned” this. He was otherwise very impulsive/spontaneous, so I was annoyed at his refusal to just go canoeing with me and our two children because "it was just us". After that day, I noticed it more and more, we never did anything as a couple. Any plans we made always included other people. Is this odd to you? Don’t married people need that private time together? Was I wrong for wanting or needing that? Well, he got remarried last weekend and my daughter told me that another couple accompanied them one their honeymoon. Huummm. She said that he said “they would be bored if their friends didn’t go with them”. Bored? On your honeymoon? It made me feel… I don’t know…. weird, justified… I’m not sure. I guess it made me remember all the years I longed for that special time with my husband and I guess that made me realize that he isn’t capable of providing that close oneness with anyone, not just me.

are you serious? took their friends along on their honeymoon? wow... what a romantic guy....
I don't think that it was "me" but i also don't think it was just "him". IOW ---- it was a bad match, in our case. so yes - my ex was abusive, he was sexually dysfunctional, (he was dysfunctional in many other ways), he was addicted to pain killers, etc. but!! *I* married him, *I* stayed with him , *I* was the enabler for 7 looooong years. i didn't know about he sexual issues before the marriage, but i did have a 'gut' feeling that something was odd about him. i didn't love him. i wasn't happy about the way he was with my son. there were a lot of issues ---- that HE had ----- but *I* chose to marry him. so ---- i think it was us both.
Yep, I totally relate. You're definitely not the only one who craved some alone time with your H and didn't get it. But my ex didn't suddenly develop this need to be around other people the last few years. That was the case all along. Being with me alone was NOT on the list of his top priorities. Some examples:
Ex had a friend J that he used to do EVERYTHING with. Before we were married, J used to stay over until all hours, then he'd be "too tired" to drive home. So he ended up sleeping on our couch 3 or more times a week. When I told ex I was upset about this, I was told I just didn't understand what it meant to be a friend.
Whenever ex made a purchase, he always had J in mind. Buying a patio set? Needs to be enough room for him. A bike rack? Had to make sure there was enough room for a 4th bike. Place settings? Need an extra one for J. My favorite was when they went on the family plan together on their cel phones!
I'm giggling here right now. I dated a guy for awhile that would call his best friend John within the first couple minutes after we had sex - EVERY TIME. I was freaked out that he was actually thinking about John and not me while we were together. I left after I brought it to his attention and he didn't think it was a big deal.
So, either terribly insecure or he's having a "Brokeback" moment..... ;-)
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~