Watching him fall apart....
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| Sun, 01-22-2006 - 9:26pm |
I never actually posted my whole story here, so I guess I will now.
I have been married for nine years. We have had a very rocky marriage the entire time. It is very difficult for my husband to give anything of himself. It is almost like it hurts him to do so. But even with that said, I know he loves me more than anything in the world. He just doesn't know what to do about it. His inability to show me much caring leaves me in a very lonely place. I have to do almost everything on my own, including raising our two young children and my two step children when they are with us. I have been carring our marriage the entire nine years.
I have often told my husband that this is all wearing on me and that I need something to change. We have been through two boughts of counseling with little to no change. This past fall I finally decided that enough was enough and I went to talk to a counselor to make sure that I had my thought clear. My counselor confirmed that I did indeed have my thoughts clear and in order and that for me this was the right decision.
When I told my husband I wanted a divorce all of my fears about leaving came true. A big part of the reason I sayed in our marriage so long was because I knew I was carring him emotionally. I knew he would be devasted and I didn't want to watch that. I also know that it will be hard for him financially. He is already paying a hefty sum of child support for his other two kids and adding another child support payment to that will be difficult.
I told my husband I wanted a divorce the weekend before Thanksgiving. I wasn't planning to do it then, but it happened that way anyway. He immediately fell apart. Drinking heavily and for the most part just not able to function. He didn't go to work at all that week. And he did it all in front of me and my kids.
He wants to know if there is anything he can do, but there isn't. He has asked me on more than one occasion if there is anything he can do. And each time he asks I give it serious thought. And each time the answer is no. And then I have to explain why and I have to watch him fall apart all over again.
He has known for some time that he is suppose to be moving this week, yet he has packed next to nothing. What has been packed was done by me and now it is clear to me that if he is going to move on Wednesday I will have to pack the rest of his belongings. I honestly don't think he has it in him to do it. He was suppose to be packing today, but he isn't here. I have no idea where he is...well he is probably at the bar. My guess is that he just can't do it.
It is so hard knowing that he is hurting so bad and that I can't help him. I go from unbelievably angry at him to so very sad for him. My counselor told me that he behaves this way because he thinks I am not hurting and that he wants to make this as painful for me as it is for him. I understand that, but is is so very hard to deal with mine, his, and my kids(all four) emotions. I feel like I am going to crumble under the pressure. And then I remember that if I do, there will be no one for my kids and that keeps me going.
Although I probably shouldn't, I am going to pack my husbands stuff. I can't bear the thought of him not moving on Wednesday and having to watch him fall apart anymore. I have been watching this for over two months and I just can't do it anymore. There is no peace in my house and it is very unsettling.
Sorry this is so long. If you made it this far...thanks so much for listening!

Hey there...
I can only imagine what the past several months have been like in your house... truly no peace... I'm hoping that this week will bring you closer to the peace that you and your children so desire...
One thing that I think is critical for you to remember is that you are only responsible for making yourself happy... you cannot carry the burden of making your stbx happy or maintaining his emotional stability... that is too much for anyone, other than the parent of a small child, to be charged with doing... if you attempt to maintain him emotionally, you will wind up losing yourself... and you can't let yourself do that..
*hugs*
Julie