we do survive :) INTRO

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
we do survive :) INTRO
5
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 1:08pm

Hello all!


I am not new to ivillage, but to this board yes.


Well I am in my early 30's, divorced once, 5 year marriage with 2 kids, and seperated (common-law) 1 child.


It will be one year soon, and I never thought I'd make it, litterally. The last two months have been the easiest, I am staying single, and adjusting to life well, so are the kids(2 I have full-time), all of us have had therapy (I have a mental illness).


After many months of staying intimate with my ex, after seperating,

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 8:08pm
Hello!
you are doing great. YOu are right, a large part of divorce and separation is letting go of the dreams we had, and settle back in whatever is now at hand. It is a huge readjustment... we all dream of growing gracefully old with a man we love - it is a shocking when it does not happen.
YOur ex has his own dreams to cope with, and you are not responsible for that failure. we all need to learn how to let go, and to keep going.
:) keep up the good work!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 8:49am

I agree, what a great story!


Letting go is the first step to complete recovery :)


Hugs to you and keep up the great job!


Angelena






iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 8:57pm

OK phase two of healing, realizing I am not solely responsible for the failure of the relationship.


I lurk, but rarely find something positive to post, but I feel better today after a realy rough week. About 3 weeks ago Andrew asked my 2 older kids to stop calling him "Daddy", saying that because he doesn't and will not and never live with us, he wants to teach the kids we all only have one Mommy and Daddy, he told my he wants to be more of an uncle than a father.


My initial reaction was shock, and DD was distraught, DS was ok with it, then a week later we find out his new GF has a daughter in the kid's school, and DD asked her what she calls Andrew, the little girl says "Daddy", well again DD was devastated, after all this I ended up burned out with trying to help the kids get over the loss, and I started feeling the regection too, so I had a full blown mental break down. Now why this is good, lol, is that I realized even if I was going on with everyday life, I had not found closure, I still had hope I could get better enough to reunite my family, no matter how "better" I get, he will never change, and it isn't my job anymore to worry about his feelings, and I can say now it wasn't only MY responsability, I still have some writing to do, because Andrew will not give the opportunity to speak about my feelings, so I will write one lovely good bye letter. This way I can move forward. We are linked, unfortunately due to our son, so I do need to be civil, but not emotional.


I even had a coffee date, my first since seperating.


PS me and the kids are in therapy so we all have a safe place to openly talk of our feelings.

T.S.

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 4:35pm

trying desperately to find closure, I write this, may this truly be the last chapter.


"Andrew,


I thought I grieved, I thought I was over you.


I thought I was your "the one", I thought you just needed time, I thought your anger would subside, and the love you once had would shine.


My heart is broken, my life shattered, and every time I think I have glued back all the pieces, you still throw stones, and it shatters again.


I should just replace the darn thing, but I hold on to it so close to my heart.


I've stayed strong for the children, I've tried to do right by them, yet I feel like a failure, when they comfort me, with tears running down my cheeks. I miss our son, I still often wake to hear his faint cries, "Mommy!" in the night.


There are pieces that I will never be able to replace, you must have thrown them out after it shattered, how I wish we had worked together to put them back together, like I thought it should have been.


You turned your back on us, and instead of taking responsibility, you assigned blame, and I've carried it, all this time, now I want to rid myself of it, and I just don't know how.


You've read of my explorations, and my fantasies, and threw them back in my face, with anger, yet never a response to all the letters to you. All I ever needed was compassion and understanding. While we were together I accused you of being cold, and I guess that is what you wanted me to feel. I wish you would answer all those "hard" questions I kept asking earlier this year. I wish for us both to find peace. "


Last night I had a sit down with Andrew and his GF, they said it was to discuss all our children, you see my 2 older kids go to school with her daughter, and my DD asked this little girl if she calls Andrew "Daddy too". well I soon found out this was all about this, and how confusing it is, well no disrespect to the GF or her daughter, breaking my kids heart to save the next "step-daughter" is low on my list of priorities. Someone told me it is best for the kids to see Andrew in this new light, his true colors. I wish I had never trusted this man, this stranger. Yes I know I sound bitter, and angry, I am, at him, but mostly at me, for not believing when I first saw his true colors, hind sight is 20/20, the first time within the first months of our relationship, a second time in my 8th month of pregnancy with my son, and the last time when we seperated last august, if I had stood up to him then, we wouldn't be here today. I have learned to trust my instincts, and be a mother first, I will have the rest of my life to find romance, I will chose more carefully.

Stephanie

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 12:14am

Stephanie

Stay strong...stay at your course...as the Journey of your re-newed life is going to be so so much better. You will indeed find a person that will appreciate all the wonderful qualities you have. But first, you have to Forgive yourself. Forgive in order to heal, to accept and to move on to be so ..so much greater knowing that you will be well loved. To fell how great of a person you are. And to live the life that is meant for you.

I too had worries of moving on, to have my dreams shattered when the ex-wife chose to confided on other men. I wanted the marriage (family) so much..cause I came from a broken family. I was never able to Forgive after she had an (emotional affair) with the other men...tho she swore they never had sex. I held to the anger, bitterness, the hurt, and chose not to be happy. After years passing, she now really wants the divorce...we had been so apart for so long..emotionally. Now, that she has met some guys online where she can cling her emotions to..she now really wants the divorce. I, as afraid to loose my dreams..I at first was angrey at her, wanting to fight for the marriage...but more and more..I realized that I never Forgave myself for her affairs and for my part of the failed marriage.

I now have been able to Forgive....I need to heal, and I know I will be so much better, so much to give to hopefully someday meet a lady that appreciates me..for who I am...Not to have to pretend any longer. As per my dreams...I now live them everyday thru the love of my sons. And to do whatever it takes to make certain their dreams are realized.

Most important for you to know that you accepted yourself. Accepted that is nothing wrong with you, that you are a great person, a great mother. And to know that you too want to live your true life.

Well, hope and pray that you stay strong....and I know you will be lot happier as you progress thru your Journey.

Take care.

Rob