We get along, but I think he's wrong ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
We get along, but I think he's wrong ...
7
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 3:56pm

Y'all have been so kind with your advice and support. I have tried to respond to some posts with my support for others as well.

Here's the hurdle I need to get over at the moment.

We get along just fine; we have lots in common etc. We could do this divorce in a fairly pleasant and businesslike manner, except for one thing ...

I think he is supremely selfish and self-absorbed and wrong to do this to our children who are 4 and 6 year olds! These innocents are going to be horribly hurt, their trust betrayed by the two people who are their entire world (yes, this is so -- all the literature on divorce reports this -- even if these children grow up to survive the pain, the pain is real); this will impair their emotional, intellectual and spiritual development (even if they some day overcome the trauma). How can an adult say his "pain" should be assuaged while he inflicts such pain on two children who have never had any choice in the matter.

I just can't get over that part! He'd rather do this to them than do the hard work and maturing necessary to make the marriage work. And so ... I feel really hostile. If feel like if I treat this divorce as okay with me I am letting the &*^% off the hook for his selfish decision.

He set up an appt. with a mediator yesterday. I went because I want all the same info he has. I was not a happy person and it was obvious. No shouting, no nastiness, but I was stiff lipped and said I was not a willing party. Obviously, I can't take that stance forever ...

I didn't like the mediator; she seemed waaaay too free with expressing opinions when she had just met us, didn't know our kids, didn't know anything about our backgrounds, psychiatric history, etc. I guess one term might be "loose cannon." I want to use collaborative law where we are each represented by a lawyer -- keeps it to business -- the opinions expressed are either his or mine and conveyed in legal terms with our lawyers at our sides; we would have access to a child psychologist who would help form the plan for our children and access to a financial planner who would help us plan our separare budgets and divide property ... It feels much safer to me to have a professional involved at every step -- I can't then be bullied by spouse and a mouthy mediator. I want someone looking out for me and me kids in the room during all negotiations.

So, what do you think? 1. How do you reconcile yourself and make it clear you think your spouse is WRONG, but continue to carry out the necessary work of divorce, 2) Get the legal process you need to feel safe in the process (i.e. I don't like the mediator, what next?) and 3. Have any of you used a collaborative law process?

Thanks!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 10:42am

Bumping this up, hoping some of you will respond! Please!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 12:36pm

Divorce isn't fair to anyone who is involved. The thing is is that we can't change what our spouse feels or how they are thinking. If he has determined that a divorce is what he wants and isn't willing to work with you on trying to work things out, really, what choice do you have? Our kids do get hurt in the divorce. No doubt about that. But, like ourselves they do learn to adjust because that's what they need to do. As long as they still have two parents that can work together on raising them and put the needs and wants of the kids before their own you will have adjusted kids when they grow older. Remember, 50% of households are divided by the divorce epidemic. It's a shame but it is the truth. Just work on putting the kids before anything or anyone else.

You do need your own attorney. It is the only way to get what you need and do it in a fair manner. I don't know when a mediator gets involved, but why already when you haven't even retained your own attorney? In this matter, you must stand firm. Having one attorney working for the both of you is not a good thing.

Stay strong and stay focused on yourself and your kids. You can't change the way your husband is thinking and you can't make him work on or stay in a marriage that he may of already left in his mind.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 4:00pm

Bless your heart for responding, Robin!

Yes, I will have to get past "it," but what you said: "As long as they still have two parents that can work together on raising them and put the needs and wants of the kids before their own" applies to the decision to divorce. By deciding to divorce he has put his needs before the needs of the kids -- oh, well. As you say, nothing I can do about it and believe me I am doing everything on a practical front to take care of the business of the divorce (and thus my kids and me).

As for the mediator -- folks do it without lawyers which is what my h wanted to do, but the mediator said no, he needed a lawyer. I have a lawyer, but she has cancer and I am now looking for a new lawyer.

I want my h to meet with a child psychologist to get a true understanding of what this is going to be like for our 4 yo and 6 yo children and to make a plan for when/how/what we tell them and when/how/where he moves and when/how he is going to see the children in the coming months. He is balking at that, too.

Anyway, Christmas is just around the corner; we are travelling to see my family. Hopefully, the kids will have a wonderful time.

Thanks again!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 4:51pm

You know Nymava,


The hardest thing in the world for me to reconcile post separation from my was that we (the children and myself) were not important enough for him to put the effort into making the marriage work.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 7:12pm

Di,

Thank you so much for your detailed reply. I am glad to know someone else had a hard time with the self-absorbtion of their spouse. I wish my kids were older -- at their age this is gonna be impossible to comprehend.

Thanks for the link to the collaborative law site. It makes sense to me, but not sure yet where my h is. We would use a private mediator; the one we met was through a non-profit women's center-- $200 an hour (we live in a very expensive area). If we go mediator I will do alot more shopping.

I really want a lawyer to present my requests and keep it about the business and keep emotions out of it -- I didn't like the comments from the mediator. I just want -- "we can live with that", or "no we can't, but how about" -- no other commentary -- otherwise it gets too personal and emotional. And that definitely goes for the custody part -- I want a professional child psychologist to facilitate those negotiations -- want to keep us both honest and focused on what is best for the kids.

Wish me luck and thanks for your help!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 7:57pm

Nymava - My number one concern is for our children - my STBX today made it clear that his number one concern is for how much $$$$ he has left in his own pockets. I was shocked at how he was completely self absorbed with the $$$$ and really did not seem to care what my concerns were for the girls.

My children are 2 and 4 so I totally agree with your concern. How do you explain this to children that young. I wish we knew more families who are divorced but bottom line - our children have not been exposed to it. I am really concerned about them being teased at school - you name it. I will be taking them both to counselling to ensure that this is explained to them in a way that they can understand it and to ensure they have a chance to talk about their concerns. I thank God that my 2 yr old is very articulate and can express herself very well, it will make explaining things to her a wee bit easier.

I asked this same question a couple of days ago and I did like than initial explanation that Karen (CL) passed on - Mom and Dad have decided that they would be happier living in thier own homes. I like the simplicity of that but I do realize that they will ask more questions and require more information explanation to get their little heads around it.

I was really hoping that we could do this amicably (for our children's sake)but after today's conversation on the phone I highly doubt he will be able to do that. There is nothing nice about this process but I do hope and believe my life will be better without the tension that he creates when he is around. I know my children will benefit from that too.

For their sake I am very sad that we couldn't make it work and, like you, I am very upset that he is and has been totally unwilling to work on the marriage for the sake of his family. But - that is par for the course for him, he has always been self centred and self absorbed and has always put himself first. I am disappointed but unfortunately, I am not surprised.

PS - for the record, I really like the sound of the collaborative law process - it will put the children first and how can he argue with that?

((((((HUGS))))))

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 7:00am

Rose,

So glad to share our stories. I think we have in other posts, as well. I hope you can get your h to use the collaborative model. That's the other piece here -- it only takes one to divorce, and they don't even need to agree on the process.

I will be talking with the child psychologist today about how to get my h into an independent child psych (I have been talking to "mine" too long and she says she couldn't be unbiased), much less into a collaborative setting. Otoh, I am not comfortable with the mediator we met ...

I hope your family and mine survive these holidays and the children can take away happy memories before the s hits the fan.

We'll be talking, I guess.

Hugs,

M