We have not decided to divorce...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
We have not decided to divorce...
9
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 9:59am

...but we are going to separate. I am new to this board. My name is Melissa and I am on my second marriage. My first husband cheated after 9.5 years and we split up. We have an almost 8 year old son together and have been apart since he was 3. I married my current DH in 2004. We have an almost 2 year old DD together. Here is some background....

We met shortly after my divorce. He had been divorced a couple of years by then. He had no kids. We hung out sometimes, but I was not ready to seriously date. I did fall for him easily once I gave in and saw him more often and we married over a year later. I moved in with him a year after my divorce was final. He bought me a gorgeous platinum diamon engagement ring and took me to his college homecoming and surprised me with the ring and proposal. I had no idea. We married 7 months later and went to Kauai on our honeymoon. Soon, I was pregnant and we had our DD, Emily. My DS, Dylan lives with us full time as well. He and DH are very attached to each other and DS is so fond of his baby sister. Because my X cheated and I never sought counseling to deal with it, the infidelity consumed me and the insecurity oozed into our marriage. I accused him of everything I could think of. If he wanted to go out without me to even play golf in the daylight, I thought he was gonna cheat. His management job inthe car business keeps him at work until later sometimes and I would call his office to check to see if he picked up. This plus the emotional outbursts from my insecurity and post partum depression just made it very difficult for him to open up to me anymore and we began to have problems.

Not that he is without blame. He did not understand how I'd feel like I did and he'd get very upset at me for being insecure instead of urging me to get the help I needed even if he had to drag me to a counselor kicking and screaming. It wa sonly after I pulled a knife on myself in the hall after having our DD that he insisted I go on meds again. I did and still am on them. I had moved an hour or more away from everyone I knew for him, quit my job, and I was a SAHM and very lonely. NO friends, no hobbies, nothing. Just waited for Shane to come home. It established a pattern of anger and envy especially when he'd get invites to go places and I did not. We did a lot together but he'd occasionally have invites to go eat lunch or play golf or see a movie, nothing bad, or shady, but I was jealous and I'd get mad. He never sympathized with my situation or his part in getting me there.

So now we are taking a break. I am going to see a counselor and he is. We will see each other still and he will visit both children and take them places, still help coach my son's ball team and be a big part of our lives. We are hopeful that we can reconcile, but accept the possibility that we won't. We are still very affectionate, we are still intimate, and plan to be throughout the time apart. We plan to still date each other sometimes so we can communicate alone without the kids present. Kind of like starting over as a casual couple. We will take things slow at first and move along as we are ready.

I just wanted to introduce myself and share my story. I am anxious to see what you think.

~Melissa~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 12:18pm

Hi there Melissa,

You have quite a lot going on.

Please remember that if you want to benefit from counceling, keep the focus on you, and try not to blame him.

Based on the years of counceling I had, I would encourage you to think on a few points.

If your husband had been "perfect", what would he have done differently? Try to be specific and concrete here -- answers like "he would have understood more..." or "he wold have supoprted me more..." don't mean much without coupling actions (specific and measureable actions).

When you moved away, did the two of you discuss it?, or did he just decide "this is the way it will be"? Lets say you could move back to the area you were in, but he had to take a 50% cut in salary, would you do it?

Do you think the two of you are a good match (you have the same viewpoint/approach to kids, religion, money, sex, life style, etc)?

Good luck and keep posting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 1:31pm

<<>>

I wish he would have been more understanding of my feelings. My lonliness. More compassionate. I wish he would have taken some time to meet me for lunch instead of taking his friends all the time, and just tried to "get me". I didn't blame him to being upset about the nagging, but he could have been proactive in curbing that behavior by just being there for me more than he was.

<<>>

His job is here and I am from an hour away. We were getting married. I had no choice. Not that I minded moving. I loved him and this town is nice. It's just that he has lived here before and was familiar with it and had established friends. I had not. I was at a disadvantage. He knew what the town had to offer, but never helped me get adjusted. Just said, "Go drive around." I did, but it would have beennice if he could have pointed out some cool things I might enjoy here to give me a hint. Introduce me to his friend's wives and help me establish a group since I was staying home. NOt holding my hand thru it all, but just guiding me a little.

<<>>

I do think we are compatible. We enjoy the same things, music, movies, we enjoy each other most of the time (just not lately), we love kids and are passionate about their wellbeing, we are both highly sexual and enjoy each other immensely. We are from different spiritual backgrounds (him: Baptist, me: Catholic) but we both see the importance of church and had been looking into a non-denominational church to attend. He likes to spend money and is very generous. He makes good money now, but has not always. So it was a struggle if he went to play golf which is expensive. I do the bills so I know how much we should maintain and he is not always cooperative. We see eye to eye on many things, but I was raised to believe husbands and wives had no business going out without each other. I see now that it's okay, but I do get jealous and insecure when he's out with his single friends, especially one because he's a loser (not trying to be mean, he really is a loser) and I just don't like his influence on my husband.

~Melissa~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 10:44pm

Hi Melissa,


It really sounds like you're taking the right steps backward to try to get things on the right track.... and I'm glad that in addition to counseling for you, that he is willing to go to counseling as well--that is so huge!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 7:42am

HI Melissa,

Thankyou for you replies.

My wish is that you and your husband can work through this and stay married, and in a fashion that is positive for both of you. I do not advocate a marriage where one of you is crushed or withering away.

Do you believe that both you and your husband are committed to staying married? I think in your husbands case, he may have to do some things he's not used to doing, and that's part of comittments.

In order to do this, both of you must be willing to negotiate and compromise. (And quite frankly, HE sounds a little controlling and unwilling.) It may take a bit of courage to hear his thoughts about the marriage and what he thinks is wrong, he seems resentfull right now.

If you need hand holding and/or other emotional support, please be sure to explain it as you would explain something to a two year old. I believe have have already done this, and part of your work is to explain it again, and again, and be okay with this. He may not have a context to understand your perspective.

For example, if he met you for lunch a few times a month. Or if you played golf with him.

One comment really bothered my -- when your husband is out with his "single" friends. He's not single, he's married. I can understand going out after work for a beer or two, and that is something he could ask you to join.

Its reasonable for both of you to have outside interests, activities and friends. So meeting for a beer is okay, going to play golf is okay. However, there needs to be balanced because after all, he's married and he's a father. By the same token, you need to be doing the same -- you deserve breaks too.

And the two of you need to have time together. I think a lot of husbands and wives lose site of the fact that the marital relationship is the most important relationship in a family. While other issues pop up from time to time, and they be more imperative, "husband and wife" needs to be the focus!

I think its reasonable for your husband to stay away from the "loser" friend simply because you said so. You get to do this once. What you need to monitor is if all of his friends seem to b elosers to you -- either he's a loser magnet, or your loser radar is not working.

I would ask you to recognize that marital counceling takes time (and sadly money). Both of you need to keep track of the bigger picture -- your kids. So if one of you stumbles (ie screws up), apologize and move on. Both of you will make mistakes. No one is perfect.

I hope things work out for you. Have a happy Easter Melissa.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 1:49pm

>> So now we are taking a break. I am going to see a counselor and he is. We will see each other still and he will visit both children and take them places, still help coach my son's ball team and be a big part of our lives. We are hopeful that we can reconcile, but accept the possibility that we won't. We are still very affectionate, we are still intimate, and plan to be throughout the time apart. We plan to still date each other sometimes so we can communicate alone without the kids present. Kind of like starting over as a casual couple. We will take things slow at first and move along as we are ready. <<

This is what my husband wants to do. I feel it's too much to me like wanting to have your cake and eat it too .....

I'm not judging your decision .... but just wondering how you manage this?

glammie . . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 6:25pm

My name is Melissa as well. I have been married to my first love for 11 years and we have a beautiful 10 year old daughter. We were best friends and dated for 4 years before we married. I never thought I would live my life without him.

About 2 years into our marriage he had a long term affair with a former coworker. After I found out, he vowed that it would not happen again, but it did. And again after that. It has recently come to light that he may or may not have a son from the first affair. I forgave him for each and every indiscretion.

Now I snoop and I do not trust anything he says to me. I understand where you are coming from. These are not feelings that you can will away. I applaud you for being able to leave your first husband and move on with your life. Your current husband sounds as if he is insensitive to your feelings, but may feel as though he is being punished for another man's poor decisions. I hope while you are separated, you both can openly discuss all of your feelings, and I would strongly suggest working through EVERYTHING before you reconcile under the same roof. My husband and I separated for about a year in 200 and did not use that time to work out our issues and that is one of my biggest regrets.

Good luck, I hope all works out to what benefits your family.

~Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 9:24am

Mostly it is me that wants the closeness still because I feel like I can handle it. He said he wants it, but doesn't want to give me a false impression that we are getting back together if things just don't end up working out. I told him that I at least want us to visit with each other and talk because it is healthy and get together for dinners sometimes alone and just try ti interact like friends. Sex is good between us...always has been. It doesn't have to be sweet lovey dovey sex, never has been with us. We've always been agressive with it and that is why I think it will still work with us being sexual. Because we are both open to trying to reconcile, I think it's okay for us to be intimate. It may end up being too much for me or for him. We'll see. For the time being, we are going to use each other for sex. We both still have needs, so might as well satisfy them with someone we know is not only safe, but capable of doing so.

~Melissa~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 9:45am

Snooping became a regular daily activity for me, but after realizing he was not doing anything, I had to make myself stop. It's a daily struggle. I see his phone and want to pick it up and look, but I don't. I want to snoop in everythng, but I don't. You, on the other hand, have reason. Your DH DID cheat. Different story. I pray things will work out, but if they don't, I know I will be okay. I am strong and will get through it. I hope you will find your way to either forgiveness or the strength to leave. Don't allow him to cheat. It's hurtful and wrong. Think of you! You are better than that.

~Melissa~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 8:41pm

If my husband had commited to exclusivity, I *might* have given this some thought. However, he wanted to be "close to me" and run the streets. Infidelity was one of our issues and I was crushed to learn he had a personal ad running before he even moved out on Monday. Made me feel like he's written off me and my son and eight years of my life.

It's to be expected though. He can't bear to be alone ....

glammie . . . .