Weekend visitation aftermath

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Weekend visitation aftermath
7
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 3:51am

This is the 4th or 5th weekend that my kids have spent at their dad's place. I'm finding that I like the time alone when they go, although I do miss them very much.

The part I'm having the worst time with is that when they come home I hear all the stories of how they went with dad and his gf to visit their grandma, as well as the gf's dad. What's killing me is the image I have of the little "family" they are forming. My stbx's mother lives in town, but I have no family here. It's painful that now when the kids go see Grammy they go with dad and his gf. I feel replaced. Like the mommy slot has been filled.

I hear about games they play where the gf takes the role of mommy and my ex, of course, is daddy. Now when my daughter wants to play that game with me she wants me to be the sister because gf is mommy.

I know rationally that she is not taking my place, but every other Sunday night, and sometimes during the week, I hear things that just about crush me. I don't show my kids how it makes me feel though. I know that would be selfish. They need to be able to go see their dad without worries that they may hurt me in the process or need to take sides. I just quietly feel sorry for myself, get angry all over again, and throw a little pity party. :-P

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 6:28am

((((((((((HUG))))))))))))

That's it just wanted to give you a big ole Hug.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 10:57am

(((GWEN))) I'm just starting the seperation process and just the thought of my son spending time with my H and a possible new GF kills me. We are still living together and he's not seeing anyone, but I know it's only a matter of time once we physically seperate. The thought of someone else, of the female persuasion, in my son's life just rips my heart to shreds. I can totally feel your pain. I don't want my son to love anyone more than he loves me. He's definitely a mama's boy.

Hang tough girl! (((hugs)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 12:33pm

I know exactly how you feel. How old are your kids? It's rough dealing with this. Even though we know the ow can never ever replace us, that's how it feels. When my ex started taking our son with him and his gf it hurt alot. Our son is 3 now and the first time he came home saying he wanted to see her I wanted to die. I had to learn how to turn it into a positive experience(for my ego) and the way I did that was thinking if he wants to see her then she must be treating him well. Which is the most important thing. I mean dont get me wrong I cant stand it but I rather he like her than not like her.

One thing that bothers me about what you said is when they play these games she plays the mommy role and now your little one wants you to play sister, that needs to be dealt with in my opinion, I dont like that at all. Can you talk to your ex? Is he approachable. I'd in a civil manner as possible discuss it with him, tell him you feel it's inappropiate for her to assume your role when they are together. I can bet for darn sure he'd be furious if it were reversed. If nothing else he and she needs to maintain the respect for you as your children's mother. She shouldnt be playing any kind of games where she assumes that role never.

Good luck and tell us how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 12:34pm

Oh... my kids always have so much fun with their dad... and his new wife... and her family!... and sometimes, I just want to BARF!.... epsecially when I have a weekend like this one where I cleaned house, slept and was generally lazy and felt crappy because of this sinus crud


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 7:15pm

Gwen,

I just want to send some hugs your way... This is one issue, due to xh's lack of involvement that I do not have to deal with... and I can certainly understand how it can be hard... heck, I get jealous of xh sometimes because he doesn't have Joey and can therefore do what he needs to do when he needs to do it...

Anyway, sorry, turned it to me... but back to you... I'm proud of you for not showing your kids how much it hurts... I hope that this too will get easier in time... but in the meantime, I'm sending happy thoughts your way...

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 12:32am

Gwen,

You are such a good mom! You are putting their needs ahead of yours, and you are not saying mean things about Dad and gf infront of them. Way to go!! That is hard.

Take some time off of "chores" and make some special Mommy time with them. That will make you feel better and them feel closer to you. Remember, the gf is the "new kid in town" and they will be less interested in her as time passes. YOU are the Momma, and you can't be replaced.

You are a great mom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 11:51am

Thanks to all of your for your support. I appreciate being able to come here and vent when I need to.

The good thing in this situation is that despite me having a hard time adjusting to the kids being around a new woman, stbx and I are getting along pretty well. We're both trying. I even offered to stop and get ginger ale when his gf was very ill several weeks ago, he reciprocated and showed up with soup and tea for me when I was ill yesterday. (please note that for each of us it was when we were coming over anyway to drop off or pick up our daughter)

As much as I dislike my kids being around a new woman, I do agree with what some of you said in that I am mom, not her, and the kids know that. Rationally I know I am not really being replaced. I allow myself to indulge in feeling sorry for myself a bit and then I try to push it out of my head since it eats me up if I think too much about it.