Well its been almost 4 weeks...
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 07-16-2007 - 1:08am |
It has almost been 4 weeks since H left us (me and our daughters ages 5,almost 8, and 9). He has seen then once for about an hour. He has talked to them over the phone a few times. He had an emotional affair with another woman that I found out about via his hotmail account. I guess he told me she won't see him in person anymore given the circumstances now. I didn't show him enough affection, we never kissed, don't see eye to eye with the kids, etc. He tells me he has been unhappy for the last 5 of our 10 years together. He is afraid once the girls are out of the house he will grow old lonely. He wants to move out for a while (he travels a lot on business and works from home when not traveling). So what do I do in the mean time? I do love him deeply and want things to work out. I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow. Do I rush him into making decisions. I know he isn't thinking clearly and is under a lot of stress right now living in hotels and his car. He won't talk to anyone including his family whom he is normally close to. I so much want answers but he says he wants to take baby steps. My worst fear is what if after a while I get used to being by myself? Right now I feel helpless and pathetic and he told me tonight he will "take care of me". I'm not sure if that meant financially only or what. He isn't being a jerk when it comes to money (he contributes 3/4 of our income). He says its hard to see the kids for a little while and leave so he says its just easier to talk to them on the phone. He has only seen them 1 hour this entire month! My 9 year old tells him she forgot what he looks like and my 5 year old asks him "Daddy, are you trapped somewhere?"
Sorry this is so long. I just am wondering if I should just back off him for a while until he comes around or is it better to keep bugging him to show I care. I still want to keep my dignity.

I am sorry you are hurting. I wish no one would have to go through this pain (Actually, that's a lie. I'd like OW to go through this pain, but that's probably just my pain talking!). I am so glad to hear you're going to see a therapist. I think the best thing you could do for yourself and him is to give him space. Maybe it would be best to just tell him that you do care, and that you do want to work things out, but that you respect his desire to be on his own for a while and will do your best not to pressure him. I realize that will be hard for you, but surely you deserve someone who is with you out of desire, not out of obligation.
I wish you all the best, and hope that you--unlike me--can get some sleep tonight.
sorry youre going thru this difficult time.having been there a few times already no affairs
but other issues, i can tell u that it is important not to blame yourself. and encourage him to see the kids so that they don't feel abandoned. my h did the same and as angry as i was made him see our daughter so she wouldn't feel like his leaving was her fault.
take care
Yes, back off. Sounds like there may be a mental health component since he has cut himself off from his family too. I know my stbx has a mental health issues -- the personality change, spending change, the failure to see his psychiatrist or other counselor (his retired). So, yours may be having a crisis.
Often, when they leave, they make these pronouncements about all that was wrong with the marriage -- comes as a surprise to us. If they'd shared, maybe both parties could have worked on it. Sounds like your situation and I am sorry.
I am VERY sorry how he is cutting himself off from his children. He is really hurting them. Clearly he is thinking ONLY of HIMSELF. That is tragic.
Do some reading on children and divorce; continue your therapy; look for a mediator and maybe a child psychologist to sit down with you and him and make a parenting plan.
Hugs,
M
He came over yesterday and spent some time with the kids while I went to my therapy appointment. He asked me if it was ok to use the washing machine and shower. I told him of course. I'm not the one who kicked him out. He is the one who left. He had to drive to Kansas City that night for work which is about 3 hours away. We talked while he did laundry and packed. It went ok and crying of course from me. I felt awful for neglecting him these last few months. When he left my daughter kept telling me to hug and kiss him. I had planned on doing it anyways. It felt so good to hug him but when I went to kiss him he turned his head so I kissed his cheek. About an hour and a half later I called him when the kids were in bed. We talked until he got all the way to KC and it was so nice. He told me about his contact with the OW. They only talked but about very personal private things. They did spend the night at a hotel but were both fully clothed. He fell asleep while watching The Hills Have Eyes 2. She stopped seeing him in person anymore because she did not want to hurt our girls. She could care less about me and I understand that. She did not want to do any damage to the kids and persuing their relationship would do just that. For that, I do commend her. I can honestly say I do believe him. He told me the medication he is on (Lexapro) is causing him to be impotent. It is a side effect and the doctor did tell him that. He told me "there was a gorgeous woman in my bed and I could not get excited". Besides he is a very emotional guy. We were friends for 8 months before we got physical. I told him that whatever happens to us we will always be best friends. As much as we have hurt each other over the past 10 years, we are best friends. I have no intentions of taking all his money, I have no intentions on making his life miserable. I have no idea what the future holds for us. I have been a wreck since he left. We are both fairly young (I'm 34, he's 35), we are not butt ugly. He makes a great living. We both could find other mates easily I'm sure. One thing I will appreciate besides our 3 girls is the fact that he can't have any more kids and neither can I. I hate this waiting game but I know it is what we both need.