Well, I've made the decision to separate.....very scared....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Well, I've made the decision to separate.....very scared....
Thu, 02-16-2012 - 9:50am

We have been married 14 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

You know nothing is set in stone.. You try this arrangement and if it works out good and then if it doesnt try something else.. You dont have to make it the only thing to do.. If it doesnt work then you can rent a house..

Personally though if I had the choice and money I would most likely rent a small apt. and have the kids go back and forth.. I would also get them into counseling with you and hubby. Not to save the marriage but to co parent and deal with this..

I would also go and see a good divorce attorney and know your rights and responsbilities in separation and divorce.. Like many say once you leave marital home there are legal consequences .. You should keep attending IC for yourself so you can sort this all out and stay strong.. Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one and they will survive..

Just my two cents...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010

Just chiming in to share my experience. I left my M of 12 yrs last Spring. I moved out of the marital home (after we had a separation agreement in place) and into a townhouse I purchased nearby. We then began our coparenting schedule,we have 50:50 custody. I was pretty sure I wouldn't go back and I can look back now, almost 10 months out, and can tell you I will never go back. I have been in IC all along and mty children have adjusted well. I would say my youngest, 5yrs,had the hardest time with the back and forth, but she is adjusting well. My older children are 9yrs and 11yrs. Their Dad stayed in the marital home and I bought something in the same community,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Nothing wrong with wanting to save some money, and getting a divorce won't be cheap either if you decide on that. I say try it for a while and see how it works. If not you can always move on to Plan B.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011

My advice to you may not be what you want to hear, but it's from my experience. Hopefully your husband isn't like mine, but I didn't think mine would do this either. If I were you- I wouldn't leave the home at all, but rather try to get him to leave.

In my situation I was married 8 years, 4 kids. I also own my business, and although my husband was a partner on paper- he didn't work. We first "seperated" in Feb of 2010. By seperated I mean I moved into my daughter's room because he would'nt leave. He has family less than a mile away that he could stay with. I was suggesting the same as you. That I find somewhere to go during his time with the kids & vice versa so that the kids could stay in the home. We also put the house on the market. After 5 months of living together seperately I couldn't take the volatile situation anymore. (He actually swung on me one night while in a drunken rage) So, I found a home around the block for rent. He agreed to share the rental with me, cost and all and rotate the rental on our off days with the kids until our home sold. (We own our home & have no mortgage) He was still unemployed so I shelled out the $3600 to get into the rental, and he was to start working anyday. Well- the day I signed the lease he - filed for divorce, took the home off the market, changed the locks, had me removed from all the bank accounts & transferred all our money to a new account- including the business money. This was 18 months ago. I have been fighting my way back since. My children have been in limbo, and he just doesn't care. He blames me for being the one who wanted to leave.

It took me over a year to get the judge to order my home back on the market, now for $50K less. He is still living there free- with all of my things inside. He barely works. I am now signing another rental lease on a place further away due to work, while he remains there and is moving his girlfriend in. The courts are really slow- and everything filed takes months to enforce.

I wish you the best of luck, but urge you to see an attorney before you move out.

take care,