Went to counseling

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2007
Went to counseling
3
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 3:44pm

I went to my first counseling session on Wednesday. (alone,because husband refuses to go)

Background: Husband says he's not sure that he wants to be married anymore, says he is unhappy and that it's not me, it's him; but will not leave. We've been married for 14y, together for 20. Three kids 13, 11, & 3. I don't think he is having an affair, but I do have a trust issue with him. I feel he is being selfish because we have three kids and feel they are important enough that he should want to stay. I feel I am a good wife and there is no reason that he should be unhappy. Feel he is punishing me for his unhappiness.

Counselor said in his experience there could be three reasons for my husbands change of heart... 1) he's having an affair...2) he's depressed...or 3) I'm not being truthful about my role as the good wife.

I don't believe he is having an affair. He's home every night, and I know where he is 99% of the time. There is no mysterious money missing, or abnormal phone calls. But who can be 100% sure.

I feel I am a good wife. And not that our life is perfect, I think we have normal issues like most couples (money, sex, kids); but I don't think there is any issue that is out of the ordinary. So I am leaning on the thought that he might be going thru some depression funk. Although I don't think he would ever admit it, because he doesn't like to believe in mental issues.

Anyway, the counselor recommended the book - Divorce Busting - by Michele Weiner-Davis. Have any of you read it or felt it helped. I'm realistic and know it's not going to be the cure, but just wondering if it is good info or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 6:39pm
The counselor's assessment sounds a little too pat to me. Sometimes people become bored with their relationships, or feel that they've missed out on life because of choices they made when they were young. It isn't depression, it's reassessment of where they are in life. Can this be your husband? Treating him for depression won't help if that's not the problem. Why won't he go to counseling?

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 11:06pm

That could be his problem...I get the impression from him that he is concerned about being older. He's concerned about his health. It's almost like a mini midlife crisis. Like he's restless and wants to do something with his life. Like I'm holding him back, which is unfair because anything he wants to do I have always been supportive.

I don't understand why he won't go to counseling. He said that he would just say all the same things that he's already told me and that there is nothing to change. I even suggested that we go to counseling to either figure out how to stay together, or to figure out how to end the relationship. He said no. My counselor told me to tell him that the counselor would like him to come, and he doesn't have to say anything. He can just listen to us talk, and that he would be there to just to verify information that I am saying. Not that I'm lying, but what I think I heard my husband say may be different then what he meant. Anyway, husband still said no.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 11:38pm
You have been I am sure a great wife, don't let him ?? yourself. Some men start thinking that maybe life would be greener on the other side and need a wake up call. He sees other men with young woman, or living the single life, not realizing that all men lie about their conquests and single life isn't what it is cracked up to be. Your a mother, and I am sure your a great one, and I have heard the not you it's me before, and he's right it is him, and if he can't tell you why he is unhappy, and won't try, then ?? the relationship. You start finding out who you are, what you like, and do I really love this man? WHY? SO what if he's depressed, your night in the best place either, your supposed to be his best friend, and you are trying to help, but you can only do so much. Watch his behavior, signs, ?? financial trouble,gambling, something he's scared to tell you? Don't question him, he will only get defensive, that will start a fight which is what he wants so he has a reason to leave. It's hard, I know I am there, and I ? myself too, whether I was good wife, but you know what I was a great wife and I hope mine gets his crap together someday, but I am tired of being blamed for his unhappiness, and waiting for my own. I have always put his feelings first, the children, and I forgot who I was. I am not going to let him bring me down, so don't let him let you either. Stand strong. I had been to counseling, my husband went, and she told him that he didn't want it to work and to leave, suggested I read a book, but who can focus, I needed to hear from other people go through what I was going through, and it helps to know I am not alone, and listen to their advice. Church divorce groups help also. kNow that your not alone. Tell your husband that you hope he figures out what he wants in life, there's help out there.