Went to dinner with him

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Went to dinner with him
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Mon, 01-16-2006 - 12:15am

Is there a limit on posts if so I hit it today. So dinner was not bad, it was not tragic in fact it was enjoyable. We talked and had a very nice time. He asked how I was doing and I let him know that I was fine but having a hard time adjusting. He told me that he had not been sleeping at night and he was feeling depressed. We talked about adjusting but not our relationship. I have no hopes that things will work out. I know him well enough that it won't take much and he will be upset with me again. He did at one point tell me how beautiful he thought I was, I reminded him he should have been saying those things long ago.

I can not let this slow down the progress I am working so hard to make. I miss him and I still love him but I can not sit here and wait and hope that he will feel the same way. It would take a lot on his part to make me want to start over again, he would have to realize the things he has done and that will never happen.

I did feel bad for him tonight though. Our youngest daughter had made plans for herself and our middle daughter to spend the night tongight. He was so exicted he went to the store and bought all of their favorite foods for breakfasts and lunch. He plans to get up in the moring and make their favorite breakfast, he was even upset that he forgot mayo for our middle daughters favorite sandwich. Since we went to dinner together I drove him back to the house to pick up our youngest daughter. When we got here she began to pout and whine and asked if she had to go and she did not really think that she was going to spend the night. She made a huge production out of how she did not want to go. I let her know she was hurting her dad's feelings. When she finally realized that she was going she then looked at him and said, well can you bring me right home in the morning. I felt so bad for him that I called our other two daughters and told them the story. They both headed right over to try and make the situation better.

I guess I should gloat and be glad for him to see what he caused but I could not see him so sad and hurt, it made me sad for him.

Like I said although it was good and it felt right again, I can't let that muddle my mind. I have to stay strong and not let this break me.

Have a great night. I will try to be quieter tomorrow.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 12:46am

I'm glad that you had a nice time at dinner. Maybe that means there is at least hope that the two of you can be friends enough for your girls. I tried to get through to my stbx tonight that he needed to get back on track with God so that he can at leastmake the rest of this process easier for us all. He turned his back on God when his Mom passed away from cancer a year ago. That was the beginning of the end of our marriage. :( I don't necessarily want to be friends but I do want to be able to be civil and if he continues to handle things the way he has that will never happen.

That is sweet of you ex to get the kids favorite foods. At least you know he loves his kids and is being a good father to them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:01am

I am so glad you looked at the positive side of this, I kept thinking I was a fool.

I don't know if it will be good to stay civil, I want to hate him so I can stop loving him. Yeah, don't see that happening. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, his apartment is all decorated and perfectly homey for the way he wants it, it is very comfortable for him. It made me nauseaus.

I hope you can help him see but maybe this time of starting a new life will make him find his way back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:19am

It is very hard to want to be friends with someone who you still love so much and is hurting you so badly that you want to hate them. No wonder this is all so hard...there should never be that many emotions involved in one situation.

How nice that he could make things so nice for himself. I don't even want to think about my stbx doing that. Just the thought makes me nauseaus.

You weren't a fool. It's hard to not want to spend time with someone you have loved so much. And you kept your head on straight and realized that you needed to keep moving forward instead of back. I think it ended up being a good thing. :)

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 9:15pm

I'm glad to hear that dinner went well and was somewhat enjoyable... I was worried about you... and there is no limit here... post as much as you need!

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 8:55pm

So I am not sure it was a good idea that we went to dinner. It went so well we got along so well that my mind just keep racing Sunday night and all I could think of was 'see we get along just fine, it's just a rough spot'. I could not stop thinking about him Monday all day, and stupid me broke my own rule and let him know how I was feeling. Yep bad idea, he informed me that it just does not work and he just doesn't see the point. Damn if I had not been so tired I probably would not have done that.

Today feeling better and really would not break if it had happened today. The girls spent the last two nights there and of course he made time for them(hasn't for years) and they enjoyed his house(no chores or responsibilities) and of course the ick factor of how nice he fixed it up. I worry that my girls will start playing games and I am the one who get's to lose. I have always been the person who has to make the rules and he always get's to break them. Just worried about so many things.

Who knows right now

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 8:57pm

So I don't know if you read my last message but later I realized dinner made me miss him terribly and I was stupid enough to open my mouth. Yep show weakness, damn, I guess I will learn

How has your week been?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 11:17pm

I am so irritated with him. He called tonight to see how I was doing, big step right. Then when I asked how he was he told me depressed, I asked what was wrong and did my usual suppotive thing. He said very little but he said he was upset about us, because he would like to see things work between us but he knows that it won't. By the end he was his same old irritated self. I can't believe I married someone who can only look at the negative things in life. Everything is always so tragic.

But at least I was strong and I told him, I miss you, I still love you but I will move on without you. I told him I have no choice in this matter it's all in your hands so.. I'm going to move forward with me. It was about the point he changed his attitude, whatda think, maybe something to do with it.

Have a good night. Hope you are doing well and no more computer throwing!

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 11:39pm

My week has been great thanks... I had to work MLK holiday, but am getting an extra vacation day to use as a result... my xil's had Joey for the weekend, so I was able to rest and catch up on sleep...

Work is better than last week, when I suffered from migraines the majority of the week... but we are in the middle of doing our self assessments for our yearly reviews... this assessment is a minimum of 6 pages of what you did right and wrong with examples of how you live certain values... is a pain in the tail to do, but I made major headway today, so I'm feeling better about that...

I'm off Wed (I work 9 hour days and have every other Wed off) and will be at one of our warehouses on Thursday... so it will be a change of pace, which will be nice...

Joey's doing great and its nice to have him home... I needed a break so badly, and they were able to help... it did both of us a world of good... I'm trying to figure out what this weekend will bring for us...

And, I can completely understand how, even though the dinner went well, it can set you back... when xh and I were separated, we attempted to keep up our traditional going to lunch on the Sundays he worked, meeting at one of a couple of restaurants... that way he could see Joey, etc... at first it was harder (cause I didn't want the divorce at first) and then I sat there, like why am ~I~ here? Joey should be here, but not me... its not easy and this time is definitely a lot of trial and error to see what works for you...

*hugs*

Julie and Joey
J

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 8:46am
Hugs, Chicky! I'm sorry that happened. I've done that same things lately. We took the kids out sunday and had such a nice time and all I could think was "see we're good together". Why do we do this to ourselves for men who don't want us. Then we finally set down last night and discussed how to devide things up and how the divorce should work. When we were done I said "OK all we need to do now is file." He said "There's no need to hurry and get the divorce. Unless you need it for closure or something." I informed him that I needed it so that I could get financial aid for school and he said he would go get a legal seperation for that. He says it only because we don't have the money for the divorce yet. Makes no sense to me. I feel like once again he's stringing me along to give himself time to change his mind. I told him seperation is for people who want to try and fix it. He doesn't want to try so there is no need in a seperation first. I'm so tired of him thinking he can play with my mind like this. Believe me, hon, we are both much better off without them even though it doesn't feel that way now. I'm praying for you, hon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 12:56am

I always love your insight, you always make me think.

I am glad you are having a good week, I hope today was good and the warehouse will be a good change of pace.

The week has gone well again, I am feeling good again and work is going pretty good. But busy as always. I miss not checking in as much during the week.

Hope to get to talk to you more this weekend.

))))Hugs to You((((

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