we're TOO friendly...need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
we're TOO friendly...need advice
5
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 10:46am

I am in the process of divorcing my husband of 6 years. We're both fairly young and have begun to meet other people and date a little. In fact, we ran into each other with our new interests at the movies a few weeks ago. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but we talked the next day and had a good laugh about the nerves. We told each other about the new person in our lives and wished each other genuine luck.

I was the one who initiated the split. It was coming a long time...we were more friends/roommates than lovers. Always have been. The thing about this is that we're sooo friendly and comfortable with each other that sometimes I feel like he doesn't really know how to separate this relationship from our separate lives now. I spoke to him last night (my new guy was over here) about a little bill I had paid for him and he had called to thank me. We talked for a little while. He was just babbling, telling me a funny story about work, talking about something on the radio he heard.

He asked me what I was up to this weekend. I told him I had to be out of town on Saturday but that I didn't have anything going on for Sunday. We have a dog that lives with him, so I assumed he wanted to see if I could take her this weekend. He goes "well, if you're not doing anything, maybe you can come over and hang out, we could take her to the park or something." I was vague because I didn't know what to say. He knows I'm seeing someone, and I guess I assume he would assume that I'd be spending time with this person on a weekend day I have off.

He laughed at my vagueness and said "or not!" I just said I'll let him know and that I'm not sure what I'm doing on Sunday.

He mentioned that this girl he had been seeing had broken it off. She is long distance and so he never had that daily contact like I do. My guy is local. So now that he's not occupied by her, he's feeling bored. I feel so guilty about this (an issue I'm trying to work through with myself...the guilt of leaving him alone, without this marriage, etc.). I know that I'm not his babysitter and I don't have to be his activities director, but I genuinely care about his feelings and don't want to throw this in his face. I just don't know how to let him down while being honest about how I am spending my free time these days.

The thing is, we really have retained a friendship. It's something that a lot of people are surprised by. There just wasn't a lot of anger and resentment at the ending of this. We both know it's the best thing. But he's looking for a buddy in me when I need to make the distance grow between us. I also really enjoy the company of this new man I'm seeing and don't want to make him uncomfortable. I refuse to lie to either of these men to cover up my own discomfort in living my life openly and honestly.

So, any suggestions? I know I don't need to explain myself to my stbxH, but I don't want to completely avoid him either.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 9:50am
I think you may just need to explain to him that you have moved on. The strange thing is if I got a divorce i think being friends would be a good thing, but the hanging out thing maybe a little strange. Maybe just someone to say hi and check up on from time to time. Just not a hanging out type of friend !
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 5:56am

learningtoluv...

Pianoguy thinks it's refreshing to hear of someone who is STILL ABLE TO COMMUNICATE AND BE FRIENDS WITH AN EX! .

As long as both men in your life understand your position...what's the problem? It's obvious that you're happier with the man you're currently with..and yet..you can still be civil to the EX.

And that's says a lot about your personality...as well as his...doesn't it?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 12:17pm

Thanks for your replies. I chickened out of the phone call, but I did send him an email that casually said that Sunday wasn't going to work for me afterall. I wiggled my way into the email by mentioning that I was going to be stopping by this week to get snow tires out of the garage.

His reply? "Have a great weekend!"

Phew...sigh of relief. Obviously this caused me much more discomfort that it did him! lol...but I'm beginning to see a much deeper issue emerge in this.

I'm feeling tremendous amounts of guilt. Deeply sad guilt. I can't describe the way it takes a hold of my mind when it happens. I was driving yesterday and listening to a cd by Sarah McLaghlin (one about a breakup) and I just cried these huge fat tears. I know that I've made the right decision to leave my empty marriage, but something in his friendship, his steadfast love for me as a person still...it makes it so scary to look forward at my life now. I'm about to move to a new town, all alone, to start massage therapy school. There are so many unknowns - socially, financially, emotionally, etc. I'm terrified. And in that is the comfortable voice of my husband (my friend...and nothing more) and that swelling emotion rises up and pours down my face. He represented such security to me. But all the things that were missing were the ultimate numbing of my heart for the last few years. It's such a conflict inside.

He seems to be doing...ok! And yet I'm the one who finds myself in tears at a moments notice. I'm the one who didn't know how to tell him that I wasn't available to be "buddies" with him today. He let it roll right off his shoulders like no big deal. I felt sadness for him, sadness that he is lonely and bored (his words) and agonizing guilt over walking away from this life we were building.

I guess I just need to let this emotion sit inside me for a while. I am trying to recognize that this split is as much a death to me as a true death would be. It's an ending, regardless of how much I wanted to initiate it, it still affects my life. It still hurts. I think I'm not allowing myself the permission to be happy yet. I'm somehow caught up in this self-inflicted punishment that I don't deserve to have someone in my life that I care about yet.

I don't know...it's all so new and mysterious to me. I'm practicing (trying to at least) patience with myself...the mantra of the moment, thanks to my therapist! She says I'm too hard on myself sometimes. When these things surface, I need to sit with them. Otherwise, they will never work through me and I'll carry around all of this toxic residual.

But how do I rectify the guilt in my brain? Logically and emotionally are two very different dialogues to be having and it gets so muddled sometimes.

When does this guilt, this sadness pass? Thanks for listening...amazing how the little obstacles sometimes uncover a much bigger issue when you're not expecting it.

~learning

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 9:37pm

Hey Learning...

I'm glad to hear that your response to this weekend was taken better than anticipated... even though it may have been tough to swallow in some ways, overall, it is a good thing.

And your right, there are a lot of unknowns in your future right now... but ultimately those unknowns could wind up better than you can even imagine right now, as long as you are true to yourself.

As far as he not showing the emotion--that could be part of the game--guys don't always show that emotion, even when they are feeling it--he could be doing what a lot of x's try to do and put up that strong front for the other x, making it seem like all is fine--it could be, but it may not be and even though you are friendly, he may hold that back from you right now, if that makes sense. I remember whenever I was upbeat, positive and "whatever" about anything my stbx at the time said, he would always wonder what was up--it ~may~ be happening here...

In either case, you're opening yourself back up for future happiness, and live is not always a straight road, but it always takes you where you should be. As for emotions, as I'm sure you all ready know, there will be good days and bad, but time does work wonders and I anticipate it will do so in your case too, especially with all of the new opportunities coming your way. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling--denial always seems to make that part take longer...

Good Luck and keep us posted!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 12:12am

learningtoluv..

Pianoguy doesn't think there's a time frame when it comes to GUILT or SADNESS. Simply because the healing process varies from person-to-person. Making the adjustment from having a husband to becoming 'just friends' is a transition process. .

Having said this, I think there ARE men and women who "beat themselves up in the 'emotion department' unnecessarily!" They try to find reasons for a split...when there aren't ANY?

The truth is this. A couple's original intention to "live happily ever after" can get sidetracked when each half begins 'growing in different directions?'

So please...stop looking backwards! You've completely ended one chapter of your life and are currently in the middle of another! So why not give yourself permission to ENJOY IT?

In the meantime, I'm sending you a couple of hugs!

Pianoguy