what about the in-laws? new to this....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
what about the in-laws? new to this....
9
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 6:42pm

What happens to the in-laws? My husband and I agreed that I would have full-custody and full control over visitation. My husband has lots of issues and at least for right now, this is best. Anyway, my kids miss the in-laws.........how do I handle this? I know they don't like me, even though he is the one who stopped taking his anti-depressants and stopped going to counseling. I don't want my kids to lose them though.

Do I invite them to come here? Do I go there (they live 2 hours away)? Do I leave it up to my husband ( he visits with the kids at 'our' home)?

I still can't face the fact that we are divorcing. I don't want to , but he is doing everything in his power to drive me away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 7:17pm

Hi Ivil,


Grandparents tend to get "caught in the middle" of divorces. It's one of those grey areas you've never had to think about until something like this occurs. Here's my suggestion for what it's worth.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 11:47pm

My relationship with my MIL was rocky for many years, but when My STBX and I split up I reached out to her and told her she could see the kids when she wanted to. That she didn't need to wait for an opportunity when it was his weekend. She appreciated that and since the divorce started we have been doing better than we have in a very long time. She tells me we are still family and need to be there for each other.

Try calling your in-laws if you haven't already and be the first to clear the air. They may be afraid of you at this point since you are the one with the control. You may be pleasantly surprised as to how things go from there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 4:48am
I have always had a wonderful relationship with my in-laws much better than my huband has ever had. I talk to my mother-in-law every single day and have for 21 years - my husband probably - maybe speaks to her at the most once every six months or so - and she only lives about 15 minutes from here. Everyone keeps telling me "just wait until the divorce" and everything will change.....if she stopped talking to me that would be the biggest shock of all - even more of a shock that her son leaving me. I have been completely honest with her for all of these years so she knows everything he has done -- she knows all about the years of job after job, she knows how I have begged him to get a normal job with benefits and retirement so he could be home. She is one of the ones that told me she would never have put up with him as long as I have - His sisters and brothers have all told me the same thing - before he left me and since he left me. I really love all of them. Don't see them a whole lot - but I do talk to his mother every day. I'm not sure if I should keep this up after December 13th or not. None of them have any contact with him either. He has now been gone since the 17th of September. My divorce by publication will come out in the legal ads tomorrow. Now my children are older - I have a 17 year old daughter and a 13 year old son.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 5:55am
Your kids need to keep in touch with their grandparents. No you do not invite them to you nor take them there. Your ex should take care of this and being a grandma myself I assure you they will see to it. Keep the kids in touch with phone calls, e-mail, send pictures and news of what they are doing. This means the world to grandparents. Don't expect your ex to tell them anything about what is happening at school or in their daily lives because they just don't do this very well. Your in-laws may be angry at you but they do not want to lose their grandchildren and that is their greatest fear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 6:47am

I did not have a great relationship with ex inlaws and it didn't get better thru divorce. As a matter of fact exfil has not spoken to me in about 6 years. But, I tried very hard thru the years to remain the bigger person. I send out weekly updates via email to inlaws about how the kids are doing in school, sports or whatever else they may be doing. I have told them on several occasions they are more than welcome to make plans with the children and just let me know what they have agreed upon so we can work out the kinks. To this day, they only call the kids when they are with their dad, they only visit them about once a year at their dads etc. He is military and is getting ready to go on another year deployment so I expect the kids will not hear or speak to them until he gets back. I will continue to send the updates though. It is difficult for me sometimes because I want to scream at them but realize they are not my problem anymore. Something I was really really happy about at the time of the divorce. They are very Catholic and noone in their family has divorced. It of course was me that brought this disgrace on their family.

I just keep the olive branch out there and let them choose the contact as they see fit. But, my children are older. Since the ex inlaws were too young to be grandparents my children have always called them "miss first name" and "mr first name". I really feel that as time goes on, my children see what is true and what is not and coming to terms with their own family dynamics. I just stay out if it!

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 7:42am

I'm really impressed with all the people who have a good relationship with in-laws post-divorce! I never really cared for XH's mother, though we had a nice relationship, but I adored his father, who said I was like another daughter to him. I was split on his sisters. When we split up, his Dad did a "drink and dial" to me, accusing me of leaving XH for some man whom I was buying a house with. I cried for about 2 hours because I thought that this man loved me more than that! His mother, of course, thought the worst of me, too, and evidently talked trash about me over Thanksgiving dinner. (The SIL who still talks to me said she and her husband politely finished dinner while keeping their mouths closed, and promptly left.) Months after we separated, XH was taking the girls to visit his family and I knew from SIL that MIL and one of his sisters were still talking trash about me all the time, so I told him that he'd better let his family know that that behavior was unacceptable in front of the girls. I also made it clear to him that if he died and I knew that was going on, his family would never see the girls.

I've since made up with his Dad, and though we don't talk on the phone, the girls send him pictures and cards. I talk to two of his sisters (one very regularly) but his mother and one sister are out of my loop. I don't need that kind of bad juju in my life.

(edited to add: I do wonder how xMIL feels about NW..... NW has more in common with xMIL considering they're only 9 years apart!! *catty grin*)

Edited 10/30/2006 8:43 am ET by callalily65




Edited 10/30/2006 8:43 am ET by callalily65

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 9:07am

I agree... call your inlaws and let them know that the door is open any time they'd like time with the grandkids.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 11:07am

I'm pretty luke warm about in-laws.

This is not your problem. Quite frankly, I think its STBX's problem and issue. If he chooses to do nothing, so be it. If you intervene, aren't you enabling your stbx? And you are inserting yourself in what is sure to be a controversey/family fight.

And please remember that the grandparents can call to arrange a visit. If they aren't going to try, well then, why should you bother on their behalf?

If they are interested in a visit, let them suggest the logistics and negotiate from there.

For the short term, I'd resort to telephone calls.

As for me, when my ex-wife falsely accused me of sexually and physically abusing my kids, her parents jumped in with both feet and funded all of her legal fees. So needless to say, I no longer have a relationship with them. When my son visits them, its part of my ex-'s time with him. I will support my son's choice to see his grandparents for as long as HE wants to see them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 1:15pm
I can understand in your case why you wouldn't want to make any effort, but in many cases I think it's not a bad thing to at least make the effort to show the in-laws that you're approachable. If they decide to keep a negative relationship going, then it's their choice at that point and you can move on knowing that any rift isn't your problem.