What action(s) led you to finally end...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
What action(s) led you to finally end...
7
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 12:56pm

your marriage or relationship? When did you know that was it, it's OVER?

It took me a long time to finally decide to end the relationship, I kept going back and forth on it. I first found out ex was cheating because I snooped, I admit it. It was due to me continuing to snoop that i found out he cheated with the ow again and that was it for me. I'll never forget that moment when I knew my "family" and "dream life" was over.

It was Tuesday morning, March 16, 2004. He left to take our son to my sister's and left his phone. I searched through it and there was a voice memo. At first I couldnt figure out how to hear it then duh I put it to my ear. It was the ow and him in the background, they were testing out how long you could record a voice memo. This occured on Friday, March 12th when he was supposed to be in PA getting his car inspected. "Coincidentally" she was off from work that same day. He was supposed to pick up me and ds that evening but ofcourse didnt, he got "held up" in PA with his "uncle". When I called him to find out why he wasnt getting us he screamed and yelled at me furiously and told me to take f'ing cab. He came home at 2:30am that night. That was the first time he ever used curse words to me before. After replaying all this in my head I called him when he got to work and confronted him about it. He became furious, enraged. He actually left work to come get his phone. I asked repeatedly what was going on, begged him to be honest with me. He refused to even look at me. Said I need to mind my business and stop searching his things. He stormed out.

An hour or so later I called him again at work trying to talk, he was so nasty yelling why are you calling me, dont call me and hung up. I was devastated. I yanked all his clothes out of the closet and drawers and threw them on the floor near the front door, I was finished! That night he came home and I told him we had to discuss this or we were through. He said he had NOTHING TO SAY TO ME! I tried and tried to talk, crying, pleading, NOTHING. I told him to take his sh-t and get out. I ended up pushing him out. He left called me an hour or so later saying he was coming the next morning to get all "his" stuff, furniture, everything, he would leave me with nothing, he didnt care etc, threatened that what he couldnt take, he would break it all just so I would have nothing. Well I got one of the locks changed and went to court that morning and the rest is history so to speak.

I did this because lately Ive been feeling really down and lonely thinking maybe I made a mistake and this chick he's with has won something over me in being with him. It's not true. Not to mention his recent behavior towards me since he began this court thing. I never ever imagined he would ever call me a b--ch. Well he has on more than one occassion, even said he hopes I get hit by a car. That is just beyond me. So Ive gained so much in ending this relationship even though at times my mind tricks me into thinking different. What also helped me was to remember that though the picture may "look" pretty there's always a story behind it and that is not always as pretty. Him and her "look" like everything is just so great when I see them and that's what hurts the most. But I remember when him and I used to be outside, I sure others thought oh, what a great family and couple. They had no idea what pain, distrust and heartache it was behind closed doors.

Feel what you feel, when you feel it. But dont be tricked into thinking you did the wrong thing. Go over it in your mind again. I bet you made the right choice.

Love Londi.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 1:21pm
He was getting set to hit me. In hind sight, I wish I had let him hit me and then called the police. As it was, I had no police record to back me up when the trial came and no proof of his abuse. I was in the bathtub. He walked in, stood over me, and started questioning me. He had his face on, the one that meant things were set to get nasty. I got out of the tub, wrapped a towel around me, dressed, packed my bag, and left. I did come back for two days. I knew he wouldn't hit me right away. I needed to get the kids. Then I was able to boot his &&& out the door! YEAH ME!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 1:50pm

GREAT question! For me, there were SO many

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 2:03pm

Girl tell me about. I needed this. Im still trying to shake the bad vibes that snuck up on me. Im getting there. When he left that night he was gone tuesday night, wed, and thur night and didnt even call once. He showed up at my sister's house friday evening talking about he's there to take us home. What a joke. She served him with the paper's and that was that. I dont know what's got into me the last two days but I know I'll be okay. Im alone by choice now, not because there isnt someone out there to love me.

We'll be fine, all of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 2:35pm

Well, the STRAW that broke my back was he was fired on Monday. I found out on Wed he went & put glue in all the locks of his former workplace & they wanted to file charges. I begged them not to (stupid). On Wed, Feb 2nd?, 2004, i had my dogs & my dd with me & i called him from the grocery store at 5pm (our of ear shot of dd) & ? him on the issues that week. He FLIPPED. Told me if he "ever EVER saw me again, he would rip me a new ***hole". I hung up. He called back & said "DId you hear me? If i EVER see your face in this house again, i will tear you to peices".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 3:16pm

The marriage was over a few months before I drew the line for myself. Right before Valentine's Day 06' my ex asked for a divorce and a few days later I found out he was having an affair with "my friend" (obviously not really a my friend if she's messing around with my husband).

Denial had a pretty good hold on me. About 2 months after he asked for the divorce and I caught him still hooking up with the OW he apologized and said he wanted to work on things and that he still loved me "a little". Well this broke my heart because I knew he was lieing to cover his own a$$ and he was not the man I married. The man I married would not have lied and said things that he knew I so desperately wanted to hear for self serving reasons.

A week later (last week of April) I burned my wedding dress, packed the car and left town. I knew that I loved him, for reasons I couldn't understand and that being near him wasn't going to work. I knew I had to get away and start over.

I didn't want to leave, I wanted to fight for my marriage....but it just got to the point that I started to see that the type of person he was becoming had done too much harm. I can never picture him as my husband again. It's like that man is a figment of my imagination.

So here we are starting over. Day by day.

<a href="http://www.GlitterMaker.com/"><img src="http://www.GlitterMaker.com/created/29175279.gif" width="368" height="127" border="0"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 11:25pm
Hi there,
I'm a survivor of divorce (1 year and 3 months)and a horrible marriage of 23 years! I knew I had to take action after he stood in front of my daughter and myself and tore up her deposit check for her 8th grade trip cause she was disrespectful. I thought oh my god I don't even have any of my own money to replace it!
Of course like everyone said hind sight is 20/20! Now that I think of all the emotional and mental abuse that he put me and the kids through I want to kick myself. That is my biggest regret that I didn't get the kids away from him sooner. Both of them are in counceling and my dd has chronic depression and will probably have to be on medication for the rest of her life.
From that time on I worked to finish my education and get a job that I could support myself and the kids on. It took me another 10 years to finish up a four year degree because I had to stash cash to pay for books and supplies, he didn't agree that women should have an education unless it was in nursing or cosmotology, and then I served him the papers. Like someone else said - from the outside we had a perfect marriage, as long as we all did whatever he said and learned to gage his moods.
I even thought about having an affair, if I couldn't get away from him. But then I realized I wouldn't be setting a good example for the kids and that I wasn't that kind of person.
He would fly into rages at the drop of a hat; we all walked around on egg shells so we wouldn't set him off. At first they were very sporadic, then the longer we were married the more frequent they became, to the point of embarrising me in public several times cause I had not gotten good directions to an event or once at the auto show cause I didn't come right back from the bathroom. That was the final rage we all had to witness, I went to the lawyer the next week.
We are all so much happier now. The kids don't have anything to do with him and the only time I hear from him is when he thinks I owe him some of "his money" back!!! LOL!! Yes all that we had was cause of HIM so he was quite shocked to find out that I got half of everything HE worked so hard for!
Thanks for the opportunity to vent a little. I'm still healing, but it helps to review things to see how far we have come and how much better we are. We might not have the big fancy house and car and cottage up north, blah, blah, blah, but we all have our sanity and I can drive home without fearing what the evening will be like.
hang in there everyone,
it's so worth it!
e
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 11:05pm

I agree with everyone else about hindsight. I know now, that I obviously blocked out many hurtful things that happened over the years. And of course, anything that I thought was totally outlandish he would say was over rated.

One thing that I NEVER got over was when my husband was vacuuming and his ring was sucked up into the cleaner. This was near the beginning of our marriage. His band was loose, and I knew where it went; because, I was right there. But after all my B***ching over the years, he never made an effort to try and get it replaced. Maybe that wouldn't have been such a big deal, but he liked to hang out in clubs and his friends houses at all times of the night. He claimed that he wanted to open up one. Of course, that never happened. He just wanted to support his drinking habits and spend up all the money we never had. And, he'd always tell me I just don't understand; because, I never really had friends.

Then, there was the public displays of no affection. He would sometimes see people he knew and not even introduce me. I might drop into the retail store where he works, and he'd say hey have you met my daughter. Dayum me standing right there!

There were the financial problems. He'd go and buy all this beer - not to mention setting a bad example in front of our kids. He'd get pay day loans and not even mention it. Now, here I am being diligent and depositing my checks every payday - going without. And, here he is just pouring our money down the drain. He just wouldn't listen until he knew it was all coming to an end. By then, I was just through. I was just numb to him and all that he did. He was just trying to be somebody he wasn't. Eventually, he slipped back into character - like I knew he would.

Overall, he just didn't have the ability or didn't want to love me and honor me like I deserve to be.