What am I'm supposed to be doing? (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2007
What am I'm supposed to be doing? (long)
4
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 11:25pm

(I DO GET TO THE POINT..EVENTUALLY!)

I'm in a horrible marriage. (should have been obvious when he threatened divorce two days after our wedding)..But now I'm getting stronger and the situation is VERY unhealthy for both of us and ESPECIALLY our children and I'm definitely getting OUT. We've been down this road many times and he has always seemed that he could deal with divorce civilly for our kids’ sake, at least. He has now, however, become very nasty and is being very verbally abusive to me in front of our kids.
Anyway, my point is that I don't know what to do or what direction to go in. We both want a divorce, but he says we need to sell our house first, which we are in the process of doing. He travels and is never home from Sun - Fri, so things are slow going. This is, however, the only reason that I have not moved out with the kids up to this point. He is making it very unpleasant when he is home on the weekends, but since he is gone for most of the time, I figure we should stay put since financially it is not possible for us to move out anyway. He is telling me he will not support me. He does not believe I deserve any money or support. He will support the kids and pay for anything they need (he agrees that they will be with me, because he works out of town all week and most of the time on weekends (always done this)- so it is impossible for him to have them) but, he will not 'pay for me'. He expects me to pay for our housing, food, etc. the moment we divorce and will not give me any of his "retirement" savings. We have been together since I became pregnant with our first son shortly after I graduated college. I am much younger than him and I have stayed home since our first son's birth. I never really established myself in the workforce while he has taken risks, started a company with a friend and put a lot of time, travel and money into his professional growth. My being home with the kids has allowed him this freedom to never be around and put all of his time and effort into his work. Needless to say, I don't think I'm ever going to be in a position to earn the income level he is at, especially at home with the kids full time, while he has and will continue to do so.
I don't want him to support me for my entire life while I sit on my butt, but I think he should help me while I get things sorted out and get on my feet.
I'm making small progresses. I've started to work. Not full-time. I've found something I'm good at, provides childcare, is flexible, offers me training and the potential to work more hours as I get more and more free-time available as my kids get older - But, needless to say, it doesn't pay a huge amount, but it has potential (never at his level), but will fit into my life with my boys without creating insanity for us.
Ok...here are my questions though....
1 - Should I file for divorce and when?
2 - He says we shouldn't get a lawyer, that is will just be expenses we can't afford and we can figure it out (he believes I need a 60,000/yr. job if I think I'm going to be able to support myself and the kids)
3 - back to the first? ...Is there a benefit for me to file or should I try not to?
4 - Can I get separated in PA?
5 - What else should I be getting prepared right now?
-- - Over the years, his highs have been higher and his lows have been getting ALOT lower. He has been getting nastier and more blatant in front of the kids about his disgust for me...I'm having a hard time grasping the reality of his behaviors (up then down) and I'm starting to get a little worried about him going over the edge..I'm starting to get a little scared and I'm not sure what my filing will make him do. Should I really be worried since he has never hit me...just walls and furniture (instead of me)?

I just need some advice on smart moves to make and to help me get moving in the right direction. I don't know many women that are divorced and I feel really stuck.

Sorry for the rambling...for those who have made it through to the end...thanks...hope you can help.

K.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 11:40pm

Sorry about all of this mess!!

First, copy every legal document, recent pay stubs, bank account records, etc. Then, if you can afford it, hire an attorney.

One thing I have learned in my experience so far is that IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE WANTS or WHAT YOU WANT, the laws in each state determine a lot of that for you.

I am not that far in my separation, but this is my advice from what I know so far. Hopefully someone else will chime in with more "sage advice".

Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 12:26am
You should do whatever you have to do to get an attorney. You should file. You should easily be able to get half his retirement. Dont let him talk you out of an attorney. Even if he gets one you still need one and you cant trust them. I dont know all state laws but I am assuming you will get half the retirement ....but you have to go for it.Do not feel sorry for this man and let him get away with all of it. Have you been married 10 years at least?
You will be able to get half the amount of his Social Security when you retire and IT DOES NOT GO OUT OF HIS AMOUNT. DOES NOT HURT HIM AT ALL. ON THAT ONE. You need to be married 10 years and you can only draw it if half of his is more than yours personally would have been.
I know its hard to think down the road but you must do this! your ss probably is much less than his amount. My stbx went to the SS office and they said NO this does not come out of his amount he will get each month.
You may be able to get spousal support for a time being. I have heard spousal support can last until you get a degree in a field that will give you the same lifestyle. not sure.
Do get an attorney. you can still work together on this and it can be uncontested if he agrees on things but you must have an attorney that is working for both of you but if you are not sure about that get your own!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2007
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 12:52am

Thanks for the info., but we have not been married 10 years. We have been together for a little over 8 (our oldest son is almost 7 1/2)and we have been married for almost 6.
I've been at home the whole time. He has started his own company with some other people and I know it has the potential to be sold for $$$$$. I'm sure in a couple of years..he would have over a million if not way more. He didn't sign any papers about his company and his % so I won't be able to prove how long he worked while we were married (it was a risk..we went without a paycheck for 3 months and he is gone almost 5 1/2 days out of seven for work and often doesn't even call the entire time to even say goodnight to the boys because he is too busy) I don't even care if I get screwed out of this, I don't want to wait and live this horrible life for any amount of money. I just want to be able to support my kids. I just hope he doesn't come into a ridiculous amount of money and then take off with the boys living it up while I have to work full-time to support myself. (He is also not a US citizen, so that brings in more fears..but I'm not even going to go there right now)
He has been investing. I think we have 3 different brokerage accounts, I know he has a 401k and SS and some other IRA's. I'm not sure how much we have in all of it or what my name is on. It is on the deed for the house, though.

I thought some of the factors for support in my state went by every 5 years of marriage, not positive though.

I will get a lawyer this week. I think that is the only thing I can really do to get moving and get away from him as soon as possible.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 3:30am

Dear, your STBX is manipulating you and is trying to screw you. Of course he doesn't want to get a lawyer, any decent lawyer would tell him that you have rights, and that half of his company IS YOURS unless you have a marriage contract!!!! also, half of the money in investments is yours. oh, please please please, make an appointment with a lawyer today, and get all your points and questions sorted out.
YOu can get a preliminary discussion, you will pay hourly (will cost in the 200US), but it is definitely worth dipping in your savings for this. Or- if you must - borrow money from a friend, from a sister, a mom... anybody!!!! go and see someone today.

Also, know that any lawyer you go talk to will not be able to take HIM up as a client.. if there are 2 or 3 good lawyer in your city in some cases it is worth the investment to talk to all... :D hehe.

If you guys wait for just a little longer, you will have your 10 years. They can be calculated from the moment the couple is formed - and as your oldest son is 7 1/2 you have proof.... start collecting and photocopying all proof you can get.

Also, I cannot stress enough to be careful with what you use the computer for: there are ways to trace what you do, where you post, what you say, to dig out information from personal mail. Be extremely careful to use the family computer, especially if your spouse is computer literate... consider using the library computer for any compromising information, don't even OPEN a mail that you think may contain information you don't want to share...