What are the upsides....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
What are the upsides....
12
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 7:43pm

....of splitting from your ex/stbx? I know we've done this before, but sometimes, it just feels good to see the list written down. What are the positive aspects of your split?

10. I don't have to live in a pile of useless clutter.
9. I don't have to listen to the door slam at 4am when he finally decides to come home.
8. I don't have to hear that I am crazy, sick, or need help all the time.
7. Although my income is less, I can use than income to pay bills, buy groceries, and start a savings account, not watch money being wasted on toys and going out.
6. I don't have to hear messages from bill collectors any longer.
5. I don't have to hear that I am "nagging" if I ask to discuss finances, OR hear, "We'll talk about it next week," then hear that I'm a "b*tch" for bringing it up the next week.
4. I can have hope that I will find a partner that is loving, decent, kind and supportive.
3. Since I am not mired with his debt, I can get student loans to finish my college degree.
2. I can have a better relationship with my son because my home is no longer filled with tension and misery.
1. I can start to let the poison from the marriage drain out of my soul, and look forward to a positive future!

Well...in all honesty...I am remarried now, and after my divorce, 1-10 all happened ;) A few years ago, I never, in a million years thought I would be as lucky as I am today.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 8:32pm

This is my first Easter without family and I vowed to survive and have a good time alone. However, in btn watching movies and getting some stuff done, the tears flowed, and I wondered what it would be like to just go back to him, because sometimes I am so lonely without that automatic family thing that was always there. But he and I were just not meant to be, and I feel like something is pulling me in some other direction.

Anyway, as soon as I was questioning my decision, a friend emailed me a funny easter message, and later, your post appeared on this board. Thanks for reminding me that everything will be OK. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 7:17am

It's very early for me so the upside is hard to see but I'll give it a try.

Not being angry about the fact I do everything around here. With just me, I still have to do everything but I'm not mad that someone who should be helping isn't.

Not having to put up with his belittling me when he's drinking.

That's all I can think of at the moment. My dad's funeral is this morning and during the visitation, I got a painful reminder of why I NEED him OUT of my life. He went around to all my relatives (people who don't know about the divorce) telling them that it's really bad timing because he and I are getting divorced. That's right STBX, this is all about you and the place to air our dirty laundry is my dad's funeral.

I am very sad about one thing. STBX never even said "sorry about your dad". It's very hard to think that after 28 years I don't even deserve condolences upon the death of the man who raised me (step dad but been in my life since I was 3 so he's my dad). I've always suspected stbx didn't really care about me and that I was just a convenience item to have around but it's really being driving home now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 8:02am

Hi There - I just wanted to send my condolences on the loss of your father. This must be a very difficult time for you especially with your STBX behaving the way that he is. I hope that you will find peace in all aspects of your life soon.

(((((Hugs)))))
Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 12:58pm
1. The days I have the kids there is not tension
2. I have my place that is neat and clean because I don't have to pick up after a slob
3. No timetable when I don't have the kids
4. Can save my own money and buy what I want. Can't wait til house sells
5. Have a great younger boyfriend who is lots of fun
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 1:34pm

1. My home will be clean all the time
2. I will be able to cook dinner without wondering what time he gets off work
3. I won't have to fight with him when he wants to play golf on our last $50
4. I can do bills my way
5. I don't have to do everything for someone who can do for themselves.
6. I don't have to put up with his loser best friend who is very happy we are splitting up.
7. I don't have to listen to what all is wrong with me and that it's all my fault.
8. I will have no one to fight with anymore.
9. I can cook chicken without hearing anyone gripe about it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 1:51pm
1. The relationship with my children is becoming better than it ever was.
2. My home is constantly improving rather than things half fixed and falling apart
3. I am not constantly being blamed for someone else's problems.
4. I can be in any room I want instead of hiding out in the kitchen.
5. CNN is not constantly on the TV.
6. I want to go home when I'm done with work.
7. Even though I'm currently alone, I enjoy my freedom know the next time I give it up, I will not lose who I am this time.
8. I feel like I have more money now than I ever did even though I bring home 1/2 of what he did.
9. I laugh out loud, sing off key, talk as much as I want without being ridiculed.
10. Even if I never get another chance at a relationship, I thank God for the opportunity to really get to know the real me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 2:18pm

Not divorced yet, but I have lived on my own since last August. My top 10 of things I have noticed about living alone (we "share" our minor daughter)?

1. Better relationship with my two daughters.
2. Don't feel guilty for being HAPPY.
3. Don't feel guilty for loving my career.
4. Don't feel guilty about wanting me time.
5. Don't feel guilty for spending time with my girls or with friends.
6. I clean up my own messes and not his.
7. Keeping my checking account balanced is so much easier with only me doing the spending.
8. The TV is not on 24/7 and when it is, I am watching something I want to watch.
9. I can rent movies that he would not have "gotten" (i.e., not always westerns or action films, which I like but not at the expense of the rest of the movie world)
10. I have lost 20 pounds because I have time to exercise and I only eat when I'm hungry instead of when he is. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 3:58pm

1 | i no longer dread coming home from work, sitting in my drive way 10 minutes, crying in my car because i have to switch modes and walk on egg shells when i enter my own home because i can't do or say anything right

2 | i no longer have to hear the emotional abuse or the *contraction speak* as i like to call it from my ex (e.g., can't, won't, don't)

3 | i can actually purchase something and KEEP it; we lost everything with ex -- our 6,000 sq foot home, cars, land, etc.; can also have retirement income, which ex couldn't even save an alphabet in his soup, even is the letter *S* was clinging to his spoon!

4 | don't have to stay up at night awaiting an alcoholic to arrive home, from spending all night in a club, hanging out with friends, or spending countless weekends away from his family, but rather, preferring golf, travel with single friends of out the country, etc.

5 | can finally consider MY dreams as priority; would alwaz place ex's dreams and desires on front burner, and he still consistently tells me that i "never supported his business" although, in essence, he wouldn't have his business if it wasn't for my support, working a full time job to provide health benefits and sustained comfortable living for family all while caring for our twin DSs, full-time, around the clock!

6 | don't have to hear *you don't cook* on a constant basis, although ex knew i didn't cook before we met?!

7 | having a special person in my life who loves to read and *recite* my poetry, the book i'm working on, and respects me signficantly, alwaz tells me how *beautiful* i am, cherishes me very much -- ex SELDOM supported anything i did creatively and did not consider my work day or outside interests as *valuable* or worthy of his time; absolutely did NOT support me or care during our extensive bout with infertility, and 100 percent did NOT believe that as a spouse you have a responsibility to the other spouse's happiness ... always said "i'm not responsible for your happiness" (jerk!)

8 | can enjoy a very QUIET home, with no revolving door of *friends* coming over unannounced, hanging out in the basement with ex drinking, watching TV, being LOUD, etc., nonstop & constant entertaining where i'd have to be *on* all the time as the happy wife and hostess (puke!)

9 | don't have to constantly stroke the ego of a selfish narcissist incapable of any empathy

10 | can enjoy a front seat when the karma van arrives on ex's doorstep for the deplorable way he's treated me (a wife of 11 years, and 14 year relationship total), through absolute disrespect, adulterous relationship with his skank GF, condescending nature, arrogance and hubris, compassion of a 9-11 terrorist and dependability of a 1975 Pacer! and now the boys are *giving him grief*, and now he has the nerve to complain to me (hee hee); just wait until skank moves in and he marries her, the drama is YET to begin!!

, that felt great; thanx Christine, as usual, you are such considerable inspiration to me; i feel our ex's are mirror images, and i am so jazzed and proud that you have found someone very special as a loving husband who you deserve -- you give us girlies *hope* {{smiles}} ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 7:01pm
Thanks. I'm happy to say that stbx had the good sense not to attend the lunch after the funeral. He was cordial at the funeral. Today wasn't nearly as bad as Saturday.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 4:22pm

Not even separated yet and dreading it for the sake of my children, but for *me* there will be some benefits:

1. All his "stuff" will be gone (it better be); we're talking upwards of 500 boxes of paper
2. I won't have to be around his moods (never can tell these days)
3. I won't have him questioning my spending (dry cleaning his shirts rather than ironing them was one of my capital crimes)
4. I won't do 90% of the work to maintain the family while he complains that I "nag" and demand that he do 10%
5. Won't need to be around him because being around him reminds me of how selfish, self-absorbed and sick he is.
6. Will stop questioning what "normal" is (doing dishes after dinner is "compulsive.")

M

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