What a crappy day!!
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 05-20-2005 - 7:44pm |
I left stbx. He knew it was coming, but I think he was in denial, thinking his manipulation and control techniques were going to work again. My Dad wasn't going to let me live with him, but after stbx started refusing to support me (I don't work) and when I asked him to go to the store for food he refused, leaving me to get food with no income, my Dad agreed to let me live with him (thank God, because my only other option was going to a shelter). But this whole thing seems convuluted. On the phone, when I called to tell him what I had done, he had a panic attack on the phone, hung up on me, then called back to say he would be over to collect the money I owe him (for my portion of the living expenses) and that he refused to pay my car payment, of which we are both on the loan and the title and had already agreed to pay it for me. He did come over, but when my Dad answered the door, stbx put on the victim act. He told my dad everything I was saying is all lies and he doesn't understand why I'm doing this to him, or why I'm being so mean and taking his kids away from him. He said he's the one being nice and I'm out of control. Suddenly he doesn't want money from me. He'll pay the car payment right away and I should let him know how much daycare costs next week so he can give me his portion of it. All said with crococile tears running down his cheeks. <<>>
To make matters worse, the job I was supposed to start Monday was cancelled because they lost the big contract that had been the reason they needed to hire a new person. I have an interview on Monday, though, so hopefully that will pan out. I'm at my Dad's temporarily (he made a point of making me understand that) and without a job I won't get the apartment that I'm scheduled to move into on June 11th. In the meantime, I am doubting myself. I have no support network. My Dad is letting me live with him, but we've never been close. My mom was over today (she and my dad are divorced, but still get along) and she only stayed a few minutes. The best she could offer was an awkward pat on the back, as I'm crying and scared to death about what I've done. I'm totally doubting myself. Maybe I have overreacted. I just don't know. My 1 yr old isn't feeling well, so she's fussy and my 5 year old is asking if I still love daddy. And here I am, with a headache and a stomachache, wishing I could just crawl beneath the covers and cry until I fall asleep, then sleep for 14 hours so I don't have to worry about how I'm going to survive and whether I'm really as psycho as stbx claims.
I'm a mess. Please, someone tell me it gets better. I wish I could fast forward time.

God bless
OK.... I'm behind posting again... and we've "fast forwarded" a few days.... are things better?
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Thanks for the good thoughts and hugs. Karen, time may have forwarded, but I've gone backwards. I moved back in with stbx. The divorce is still going to happen, but me and the baby got the stomach flu on Saturday and Sunday, and my dad smokes inside the house (right next to my babies!!!), so I had to get us all out of there for the sake of our health. Plus, stbx called Saturday and he claims that he suddenly found God and has changed. I'm a Christian, so he's really pulling out all the stops when he tries to use God to lure me back. Threatening me didn't work, physically stopping me from leaving didn't work, so now he's trying to be nice. Too bad it isn't sincere, and too bad he didn't think of it 8 years ago! I came back home, but let him know that I'm still moving out in a few weeks. He said he didn't have a problem with that, and he would take care of me financially until then (he even offered to pay my huge therapy bill!) I'm trying not to give him mixed signals, but if I even resist him in the slightest he gets thrown into a tailspin, truly not understanding why I won't take him at his word that he has changed. He cries and crouches into a corner, just shaking and praying. He really is not well. But at least he's reacting with tears and not anger. I just have to hold out for 2 more weeks, then I'll be free.
On a brighter note, I got the job I applied for on Monday. They had me start yesterday and I love it! I'm being paid way more than the job that I lost and I just love the people I work with. My new boss even took me out to lunch yesterday. It's hard on my babies to be in daycare, but this new job is giving me the confidence to do what needs to be done for the sake of their (and my) happiness and well being.
I guess things really do happen for a reason!
Just hang in there... sometimes we just have to do what we have to do, ya know?
And congrats on the job.... I'm glad that you like it!... and hope that you and the babe are feeling better.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Just rememeber while you are back there, keep in mind what got you to leave him in the first place. Try to see through him. See if he is really channging....sometimes people change at first to keep you around and then fall back to their bad habits when everything seems to be comfortable again. But keep this in mind : Mark Twain:
Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.~
I'll pray for you!
~Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out of.~