What did it mean?
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| Tue, 03-06-2007 - 10:52pm |
Hi all,
I am D almost 2 years now. I was M for 11 and we had no kids. He said when I first moved out that he hoped we could remain friends, but that he was angry and hurt and needed some time.
As the 2nd anniversary of our separation looms, he still insists on complete no contact. I feared it but didn't really think he would banish me from his life forever.
I am heartbroken. After 13 years being each other's family, how can you write someone off as dead? I have a wonderful new BF who is also D 2 years, but he has a warm and amicable R with his ex, and they have a child together. I hear him on the phone with her and I could cry everytime because it just reminds me how not only is my M dead, but I am dead to my ex. I wish there was something I could do to salvage at least a little bit of the friendship.
My biggest remorse is that I look back on this 11-year M and what do I have to show for it? He never wanted kids, we never had a home together...all I am left with are debts HUGE debts) and nothingness....the silence hurts so bad.
I feel like such a failure! I gave him the best years of my life, andI have nothing, absolutely nothing to show for it! I wish I left sooner or maybe had a kid or did something so that 2 years out I could see reason and purpose and truth in my investment with him.
I don't know how to come to grips with the feeling of loss and failure.
Sad. Sad. Sad.
Anyone else share similar experiences? How do you come to terms with wondering what the purpose of the whole thing was??

Loves,
Do you really have to ask? You had an affair and probably broke his heart. Some people never recover. You need to move on. What's done is done. My ex cheated on me and if I didn't have a child with him - I would have done the no-contact with him also. I no longer trust anyone to get close to me - and I don't know if I ever will.......
whatup,
First off I want to say that I am very sorry that you are hurting and that you fear never trusting again. I hope you heal and find love again. Everyone deserves it.
In response to your opinions about my post: My exH didn't know about the A and furthermore, it was a *catalyst not a cause* to the end of my M and a reaction to my feeling desperately lonely in it for so many years, despite my futile attempts at closeness and intimacy with my exH. I have explored this deeply and come to terms with it in my own individual therapy. I didn't want my M to fail. I gave it everything I had. I don't feel I need to defend how my M ended because it was mutual. I also don't feel I need to defend who I was as aa W either, because I know I gave it my all and tried my hardest to make it work, as did he. We both did all we could to make it a success, but in the end we weren't compatable. And I'm not going to bash my exH whom I still care about and love very much, but he was a raging alcoholic with anger management, intimacy and social problems. There was no "bad guy" in our M despite what you might assume based off your own projected feelings of betrayal. There are a lot of subtleties in Rs that can't be posted on a message board.
Edited 3/6/2007 11:49 pm ET by loves_me
Loves,
It's been two years but you are still grieving the loss of your marriage. Please seek counseling from a professional who specializes in grief and loss. You need help to see what's keeping you holding onto your former husband and how you can move forward.
Everyone has a different response to loss and some of us take longer to let go. But you've been grieving a long time. You'll do yourself and any future relationship a huge favor by getting the help you need.
Good luck!
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Sorry you are hurting still...
I think it's almost impossible to demote someone you loved so deeply to a casual friend -- unless you are doing it for your child's sake. Even then it's very hard. Find a way to let it go... right him a letter you'll never send...talk to a therpist...focus on your life today and what you can control. Think about this -- What would you really talk with him about anyway? His new love, his new life? -- wouldn't hearing about him moving on with his life be somewhat hurtful to you in the long run? And do you really want to hurt him with sharing the details of your new life?
What did it all mean? It means that you loved. You are not a failure. This is the way of life. We love. We hurt. We heal. We begin anew. You loved him. You gave him your heart and shared your life with him. That is significant, has purpose and was a worthy investment. You invested your hopes and dreams... you lived and loved. That is life. That is what marriages is. When it's over, you have memories. That is the reality of divorce.
Hang in there!