What did you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
What did you do?
6
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 12:38pm

Hello,

My husband filed for divorce after 8 years of marriage he says that he is tired of all the arguments that we have been having and just wants peace. I have been putting up with his crap for the past 2+ years. Within that time his crap has involved an affair which resulted in another child from OW and he will not stop seeing this woman. He feels or rather his excuse which is so often verbalized is that "I have to do what I have to do" The OW pays him the difference of childcare from his child support. He pays approximately 875 a month and she gives him back the difference ($175). So this is why he says he does what he has to do to get the money. Ultimately, it's a crock of &#%* b/c he is not man enough to just stop the affair which basically never ended b/c he still lies to me telling me how he is going out with a friend but really going over to see his oc and ow. I should have left a long time ago but I thought we would be able to rebuild and get through this. We haven't b/c he is still cheating and lying. It may sound crazy but we do still love each other but I just can't deal with his lying and cheating. So, I am just curious to know how any of you knew when it was time to go? What was your frosting on the cake? How were you able to let him go and what strategies did you use to mend a broken heart? Not to mention I also have a young child too who loves her daddy This is completely awful but he just won't stop his behavior. I am so tired of him and her. Please advise...thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: ma2005
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 1:06pm

My EX has an OC, too... and I think, for me, the icing on the cake (I finally divorced him) was that, for one, he was always looking for his next fling.... and his main objective was to not have his other child in his life--and unfortunately, this was fine with the OW.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: ma2005
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 1:09pm

Wow Ma2005, Hugs to you and I am sorry that you are in this situation.


The good news is you have the power to change the part that is negatively affecting you.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
In reply to: ma2005
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 10:15pm

Hi,

Well I'm new to this board but I'm not new on the thoughts of divorce! My dh cheated on me 3 years ago. I have since moved passed it but not forgotten. I made a choice 1 1/2 ago that I was going to start taking care of me. I stopped busting my butt to do it ALL and work full time! While my dh went to work, to the gym for 3 hours, came home most nights at 8:00 or later and expected the house to be clean and kids taken care of.

Then the tables turned. Now he acuses me of cheating! He hates my friends and family. It got bad not quite a year ago. My full time job is a women! So when I decided to get a job on the side where I could make good $$ and no set schedule and around men and women he started to question everything I did. One day on his day off I was going in to submit a file I had been working on from home he took one look at what I was wearing(clothes that I where all the time at my other job) and flipped out. In the end of this fight I had to call 911. He refused to let me leave the house and he refused to leave... All this infront of my 4 year old. He left as soon as he realized I had called.

Thats when I knew I had to get out. He left for a couple of days, he called me constantly and even came by to talk AT me for 3 hours. I couldnt take it anymore and I had no time to prepare. So I let him come back home. Nothing has changed and he trys to controll my every waking moment.

I'm on a mission now to get all the information I can to safely get out! He has no idea what is about to happen.

So in short when your done your done! I can not control is behavior but I can control what I do about it.

Good luck and hang in there!

Taylor

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
In reply to: ma2005
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 10:21pm

I meant my full time job is around all women. Ha Ha All though maybe I should look into that. LOL

Taylor

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
In reply to: ma2005
Sat, 01-28-2006 - 10:20am

I too was SORTA in your position.

Although my X never cheated on me (that I know of while we were married but if he did so what that is in my past) until I kicked him out and we were separated and he continously told me he was going to file for divorce. Which I filed for divorce. Didn't think I SHOULD have to pay for it he wanted it and I was and still working 2 jobs to make sure my DD is taking care of rather than be on welfare because I am more than capable of working 10 jobs if I have too.

Heard from our 4yr DD at the time that daddy and her were sleeping in the same bed as "Aunt ****". Which was (Jerry Springer time) my X's sister's sister-in-law. So My X's sister's husband's sister?!

Got that?

She is almost 10 years younger than us we are 34 and she is 24. My DD called her Aunt because she was always around and the only thing is that she looks like a dude. Seriously - I ain't all that but compared to her I am.

I found out that she was prego and it was by my X that was in May. Confronted X and he denied it up until the day after this OC was born and AFTER he took our DD to meet her new sister from her Auntie? Which he didn't explain to her but I HAD too.

Instead of being a man and saying "I WILL BE DIVORCING YOU AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED AND WE NEED TO PREPARE OUR DD FOR IT" She and he took it upon their trailer a** ways to explain it to her as "BAM HERE IS YOUR SISTER."

My X is pathetic now and our DD is now a very very smart 5yr. My X has no future and lives off 2 of his 4 sisters. This other girl/dude lives with her parents too and then with him at this sisters house or that sisters house. Nice.....

Neither one of them pays rent or utilities and still my X is so far behind in child support he makes me sick. The other child he doesn't pay on becauwe they are "PLAYING THE FAMILY THING" as long as she thinks it is all good why force him with child support.

What was the clencher for me - when did I know that enough was enough......

WHEN I LOOKED INTO MY DD EYES AND PICTURED SOMEONE DOING THIS TO HER BECAUSE OF HER GROWING UP SEEING THIS (she doesn't really truly understand it now but she will in time)AND THINKING IT IS OK FOR SOMEONE TO TREAT ME THIS WAY!!!

Oh HELL NAH!!!

I did love my X and I don't regret having my DD with him after all she wouldn't be who she is without a little bit of him and a little bit of me.

BUT you need to be able to make the decision and weigh out everything how much are you willing to put up with? How much are you willing your child(ren) to see you put up with?You may not think they see but they see all.

Good LUCK!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
In reply to: ma2005
Sat, 01-28-2006 - 7:16pm
I finally had enough when he beat me for the last time in Sept. of 2005, lied to the cops and had me arrested (which I had ALL charges dropped against me since). He also tried to get a Restraining Order against me which he failed miserably because he was proven a liar in court. For years he accused me of cheating on him, and in all actuality HE was the one who was dissapearing and not coming home and having no good excuse about where he has been. "Guilt by Association" I was told by a couple of doctors - In other words, he was dumping his guilt on me. I had a hard time with the abuse, but to be accused of doing something like cheating when I was not (although I would be a liar if I said I hadn't thought about it a thousand times) was very humiliating. He would go as far as telling my son (who is only nine now) that his mother is 'an adultorous whore, a slut'. What a bastard he is. I firmly believe what goes around comes around, and his time is coming. I possess the characteristic of being patient and cannot wait to see him pay. Dearly. He will. No one with the abusive behavior that he exhibits will ever be able to live in peace. I personally do not know how he sleeps nights knowing what he has done to our family. When all the smoke clears, and the fire's out, it is HIS LOSS. Period. Pam