what to do??
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what to do??
| Thu, 06-30-2005 - 12:09am |
I guess I need advice on how to handle a situation. My husband and I split up about seven months ago. He said he needed time to find out who he is-but in the last four months he has started dating--well more than seeing another woman with three kids. We have a daughter together.
The situation is that I dont want my daughter anywhere near ths girlfriend of his. She is younger than we are. She was mariied when she was sixteen. Her kids are by different men. She does not have a job. She lives off social security and does not have custody of her kids. She also has been in trouble for drugs. I have expressed why I am concerned about my daughter being around this girl--but my husband has went behind my back and has taken her around the girlfriend and lies to me about it.
My husband's argument is that the girlfriend has been nothing but nice to our daughter--but I told him that this is not the case. I dont think she is a good role model for our daughter. Also the girlfriend has hung up on our daughter when she has called to talk to her daddy or made excuses why my husband couldn't talk on the phone. She has tired to cut our daughter out of his life as much as possible--so she can have him to herself.
I am to the point where I dont want my daughter to go on visits with her dad because of this girlfriend. How do I get him to understand how I feel--I have tried everything!!! HELP!!!!
The situation is that I dont want my daughter anywhere near ths girlfriend of his. She is younger than we are. She was mariied when she was sixteen. Her kids are by different men. She does not have a job. She lives off social security and does not have custody of her kids. She also has been in trouble for drugs. I have expressed why I am concerned about my daughter being around this girl--but my husband has went behind my back and has taken her around the girlfriend and lies to me about it.
My husband's argument is that the girlfriend has been nothing but nice to our daughter--but I told him that this is not the case. I dont think she is a good role model for our daughter. Also the girlfriend has hung up on our daughter when she has called to talk to her daddy or made excuses why my husband couldn't talk on the phone. She has tired to cut our daughter out of his life as much as possible--so she can have him to herself.
I am to the point where I dont want my daughter to go on visits with her dad because of this girlfriend. How do I get him to understand how I feel--I have tried everything!!! HELP!!!!

That's just not right I totally agree with you. I just can't believe he would do that knowing you are not comfortable with it, it really sounds like he doesn't respect your wishes about it.
hmmmmmmmmmm, this is a tough one.
Legally, you cannot do much. I tried this with proof and it still didnt work. The court referee actually told me we can do it now, but it won't hold up in court. OW has done some rotten things with my kids and has borderline personality disorder and there was still NOTHING I could do.
I would suggest talking to your attorney. See what they say. You can't prevent your XH from seeing your child so I would suggest making a call and see what they say. It's so hard to prove these things with something that will hold up in court.
Hugs to you and good luck,
Angelena
What if you were to tell him that you understand there will be new people in your DD's life,however whom ever he choses to have be a part of that needs to understand with him comes a child who deserves just as much love. If that OP can't deal with that and becomes the dimise of this child you will hold him fully responsible.
If you make him accountable for her actions them maybe he will keep a better eye on the situation. This helps to take it from what you want and puts him in the driver seat of making sure his daughter is safe and happy. He might not care what happens to your feelings but maybe he would care more about his DD. Hope this was helpful.
K:)
It is good to talk to him about it, if you can. It would be good to tell him about the phone calls, if you think he cares about his child and won't be more interested in getting back at you (hurting you through her). You know him. You know what you can safely say to him.
"How do I get him to understand how I feel--I have tried everything!"
What you are not yet fully clear about is that he doesn't want to know about how you feel. He has made that none of his business, anymore. That's all part of the divorce. What you may also not know is that withholding the child from visitations is an excelllent way of losing custody of her. If there is ANY chance that he might ever hire an attorney for custody, do not withhold visitations unless the child is in imminent physical danger with her father.
Unknowingly, you have given your child a Dad who is not careful about the child's feelings. That deed is done. You cannot undo it. And you cannot protect the child from the majority of the consequences. This is the dad she will always have. It is her world. Help her to learn how to function within it, rather than hide from it.
We have in our temp custody papers during his parenting time he is not to have anyone of the opposite sex nonrelative to our child around.
But guess what he does and the FOC won't do anything about it. Fill this paper out, then fill out this one and we will get back with you after you fill this one out and then we can start investigating your allegation and blah blah blah forget it! it is only enforced until we are divorced pending August 9th. So not much I can do.
But I defintely feel that if she can't keep her own kids she shouldn't be around yours.
Good luck.
Unfortunately parents are allowed to introduce their children to bad role models. Parents are even permitted to *be* bad role models. Rosemile said it very well, you will do better helping your dd function within the situation. You really can't change what it is.
I would take a totally different approach personally. I assume you are planning to divorce since he has started dating? You really didn't say. But I think to get more control over the situation you have to let go first. Say you were to tell him that it's fine to take dd around the OW, but you want to know dd is physically and emotionally safe. I don't know how old your dd is, but you said she's old enough to call her dad, so tell him that you want dd to have her own cell phone when she's with them so she can call you whenever you want. You can prepay the minutes and put your number in speed dial. That way you know she can always reach you. Make sure when you go to court you get right of first refusal and specify that if he's leaving dd with anyone (which could include a gf or a new wife) you have the right to get her back. That will make it so that legally he needs to be there and will hopefully make it less likely that she will be alone with OW. You can't stop him from having OW around, but you can keep dd from ever being in the direct care of the OW (although talk to your attorney to be sure on the laws where you live). If you give him the impression you are okay with dd being around OW within certain boundaries, then you have a say in those boundaries. But you have to get him to listen to you first, and if you are saying no way to dd being around OW then he's not going to listen to you and he'll do whatever he wants (and the court will support him doing that).