What to do
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| Mon, 07-09-2007 - 7:39am |
First I never thought I would end up in this situation, but here I am. My wife an I have separated after she told me she was having an affair, I had my ideas but she was always telling me to trust her so i did(even though I thought I shouldn't).
She moved out June 29th and went to her parents, we have two wonderful boys a 6 year old and 11 year old, who were at the beach with my parents at the time she left. So they got back Saturday night and we had to break the news to them, by far the worst night of my life.
A little history: we were high school sweat hearts, dated 7 years, married 14. She had been unfaithful before in college and I found out but we worked it out.
I have been an emotional roller coaster for a week now, both of us have contacted lawyers and I believe papers have been filed. I still love her alot and have offered the chance of reconciliation to her in front of both sets of our parents(she hasn't accepted).
I have been reading alot and talking to alot of people(even a counselor) everyone says the affair will wane and she will eventually regret all of this very much. So now i'm caught in my emotions do I suggest we separate for a while and see if she changes her mind, I did talk to her last night and we are going to try and meet wed evening to talk. I want to tell her the door will still be open but I'm also afraid she will decline again and I will have another hurtful night.
Does the pain and anxiety ever end!!!???
Sorry for the rambling post but that is how my world is right now.
JDWamazed

((hugs))
Thanks, I don't know if it is part of the vicious circle I have been living for a week and a half but I have gotten thru this before when we were in college.
My thoughts for the day have been to try and seek some sort of reconciliation. Her father is very disgusted with her and what she has done, I have put on the positive hat(for now) and I am trying to meet with him and with her later this week. I figure it is a useless attempt to try and get a resolution that wouldn't throw away everything we have worked so hard for in the last 14 years.
I plan on telling her and her father that I would be more than happy to go to counseling with her to try and see if there is a way to get thru this. I believe as well as others that she has some issues, she has been drinking pretty heavy for a while(she can out drink me). I 'm not sure that is the only problem and most likely only a symptom. I have read and had other spouses tell me that if they (the cheating spouse) would have swallowed their pride and gone back they would do it in a minute.
So I plan on giving it the best shot I have, am I a stupid sucker, or hopeless. Or is this just part of the healing process?
Anyway I thought I would have to atleast give it a try.
Any thoughts please.
JDW
Hi there.... don't take this the wrong way, but you really have to put your foot down and tell her that WHEN.... not if... but WHEN she has a change of heart about her lover's leap, that the only way you'll consider getting back together is if she agrees to, makes the initiative for, and follows through with counseling.
You should not just be her doormat to tromp back to when her la la dreamland of a fantasy life doesn't pan out... even if that's what you really want.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I just met with my wifes father and he assured me that this was the only affair and I have some confidence in that. He also said she is ready to go thru with the whole thing.
I have also set up a meeting between my wife and I either tonight or tomorrow. I know I will be climbing up hill all the way but I am going to suggest a series of counseling meetings with her to see where it will lead.
From what I have heard and read, sometimes if you tear the building down "if" you can rebuild it, it will only be stronger, so that is my hope.
I also realize that I am setting myself up for a HUGE dissapointment but I have to try. I don't think what this divorce will do to 3 families is worth it.
Wish me luck, hoping for the best but trying to get ready for the worst..
JDW
Keep us posted!
Dear JDW,
I'm exactly in the same shoes as your wife except that I am staying. One of the reasons I am staying is: I don't want gossips or judgements. Yes, a person who is going through depression needs attention but not the under a spotlight attention. She has enough to handle and any more pressure from friends or families only makes things worse. If you really want your wife back, stop telling anyone else about your story (maybe except for your counselor. Yes, you have all the reasons to be mad, angry or confused but you should have the decency to keep your wife's dirty laundry to yourself. She is going through an illness and she needs a peace of mind. Especially you got your and her families involved, that is a big no-no. Families, in this case, won't help. When parents are involved, it gets messy and she will have no one to turn too. Remember, she needs help and support, not judgements.
cc
I understand what you are saying and I plan on giving her the room she may need. As far as dirty luandry getting out, as usuall I was the last to know so everyone else in town has known for a while. By my best calculation this has been going on for 1 1/2 to 2 years. During that time my trust has been an issue but I have had good reasons and now realize I questioned her about things that at the time were non-truths and she kept the lies going.
I'm going to be patient and hope for the best, my biggest obstacle will be her, she is a very determined, self-centered, self driven woman and even when the time comes that she realizes she made a mistake(everyone seems to think that time will come)I don't think she will allow her pride to try and come back to me.
I guess the hardset part for me is she won't explain why, and at this time i don't think she knows why to be honest. I have always supported her carreer goals and have made sacrafices in my own carreer to allow her to grow. I was never abusive in any manner so I am left with what did I do wrong?(which i'm not supposed to do but it's only human nature).
She knows the door is still open and I would take her back today but I don't think she will allow herself to ever come back.
JDW