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| Tue, 10-24-2006 - 6:40pm |
My wife's ex has been nothing but a total annoyance in our lives since I married her. For some reason he still rents space in her head and she has concerns about him going for custody. He was the type of man that constantly cheated and lied to her not to mention he was physicaly, and emotionally abusive. He had several meaning at least 10 affairs during a 15 year marriage to her , not to mention she married him even knowing he cheated BEFORE the marriage. She still has documented proof of all of this.
They were divorced in 2003 I married her in 2005. For some reason she still is in fear of what he may or may not do. IE going for the kids. We have a stable home here, the kids want for nothing. He does pay her a decent amount of child support monthly and even alimony because of his infidelities. I am somewhat perplexed about why she still fears him or what he may or may not try to do.
In 2005 he married a woman from another country. they have never lived together, now recently he told my wife he was not cheating and was seeing another woman and was getting a divorce.He also told her he still cared about her and has several times since I have been with her. He even tried to have sex with her after her divorce before I met her. Hello 2 divorces in less than 3 years? That very weekend he dumped all of this on his kids, and promptly introduced them to another bimbo. They have even stayed in this womans home as he slept with her! HELLO....
I think my wife is losing her mind...Not a day goes by she does not complain or mention him. It has always been this way. Worried about his little schemes because now the kids are saying they would like to live with him and her I imagine. Actually for various selfish reasons, these kids go whichever the way the wind blows here as long as they get what they want. Another wonderful woman in his path of destruction.
I at this point am concerned, and beginning to really think. A day or a week cannot go by without hearing his name. Or some problem with him or about him. I have constantly supported her feelings and feel I have been a good listener. I am sick and tired of hearing about him. I have even stood up to him and told him exactly what I think about him and she freaks out. I have done this since we have been together. He is an ass!She tells me I should have not done so. Why? Afraid of losing her child support? ? I am divorced have 3 children of my own and never mention my ex as much as goes on in this house. I have handled my divorce and handle dealing with my ex. And the kids issues. I am beginning to think she still cares for him. Even though she says no. She also mentions alot he broke up the home. Yes he did . Move on . I am her husband now and getting sick of hearing about him, what he does and what she thinks he is going to pull next. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I think not!I also have discussed this with my personal therapist and he says not.

Hi Nascar,
It's difficult to understand how much an abusive relationship can affect someone unless you've experienced it yourself. Your wife lived with this guy for 15 years and it sounds like she's suffered a lot at his hands. Even though she's got full custody of the children and her Ex pays child support, its difficult for her to not believe he still can't hurt her or them. It doesn't matter what the legal documents say or whether or not he's actually contacted her or done anything to make her fearful outright.
You're in counseling; is your wife? If not, she needs to be and I'd encourage the two of you to seek marriage and parenting counseling together. (This is a problem for both of you and it is obviously affecting your marriage. Work on it together.) You both need tools to cope with her fears (her specifically) and you both need help with parenting. Being a step-parent is especially challenging even if you have agreeable biological parents in the picture.
Good luck,
Wisdomtooth