What to do about different parenting syl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
What to do about different parenting syl
4
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 10:21pm

One of the reasons x and I divorced (it was final in early Jan) was very different parenting styles. He is a my way or highway kind of guy - and I'm a more balanced and give and take.

One of our big issues was over food. He felt DD should only eat organic, completly healthy foods. I certainly agree about a healthy diet but I think there can be some balance in there. If you totally outlaw everything with suger etc.... there will only be a rebellion in the future. He also thinks whatever is made for dinner is eaten period - no choices. I on the other hand refuse to make food a huge issue - I think that only leads to eating disorders in the future.

I get an e-mail tonight stating how is concerned with her diet - what I have in my fridge etc.... One of the reasons he even knows what's in my fridge is he has yet to secure adequate housing so he hangs out here with DD (a whole other issue)

How do I respond to this - uh we got divorced since we could not agree and I always felt like big brother was watching over and judging me.

I did reply that I am continuing to work on offering a balanced and overall healthy diet. And suggested that he might want to secure is own housing where he can have his own rules.

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 7:53am

That's a tough one. Everything I have heard says, as much as possible, have the same rules in both houses so the child does not feel conflicted/confused/torn apart.

I recommend neutralizing the situation by having both of you talk together with a nutritionist. It always helps to have a professional guiding these conflicting situations. Or maybe even a child psychologist who can help him understand the psychological issues around food (like forcing kids to eat stuff). Then the information isn't coming from you.

One practical suggested compromise ... at dinner ... yes, they eat what is served, period, or they can have X (fill in blank). What I do is ... they eat what is served or they can go get a yogurt. Also, they do need to eat a certain amount before they can have dessert. So, I walk a middle ground on this stuff.

GL,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 9:50am

Thanks - that is good advise. I should add - it's not like I'm feeding DD unhealthy food. I do by organic for the most part and we have a balanced healthy diet. I do give her limited choices (like you can have x or y). And if I do make an effort to cook a dinner she has to try it first and then can have a healthy alternative. I do however occassional let her have a special treat.

I did discuss her diet with her Dr. at her last well kid check up a month or so ago. His comment, she is a very healthy kid (she never, I mean never gets sick). I growing well etc.... and he felt that food should not be made an issue.

X and I simple do no agree at all with the approach. He really feels that she gets what is served -period or she can go to bed hungry.

I think another part of the issue is that he is trying to enforce his rules in my home. Which of course is confusing and tugs at DD. I think if he had his own home, he could have his rules and she would know. At daddy's house it is like this and at mommy's like that. She certainly adapts very well to different rules at school vs. home.

Anyway - thanks again for the advice. I will suggest we should see someone together on this one

Avatar for jordan_34
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2006
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 5:49pm
I can somewhat understand where you are coming from. My ex and I got divorced partly for the same reason (other issues too of course). He is the type parent that kids should be seen and not heard. I am not about spoiling my kids but letting them enjoy things that are apart of your childhood. He sleeps when he is at home (has a new wife and 3 step-kids) and when he isn't at home he is dragging all the kids to "his" things. Won't let them play sports, if I sign them up he won't take them to their games on his weekends. His world is very, VERY self-centered. It is really hard to determine who compromises and who is to suffer. It should NEVER be the children but I find myself dealing with a VERY selfish ex. I don't have any advice but wanted you to know that I am looking for advice on the same issue! THanks!
Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 3:19am

I don't think you should get into the discussion at all!!!

What you do in your home, and what is in your fridge, is entirely your business. It is nice to provide your kids with a diet build by a nutritionist, but it isn't necessary: kids need mostly calcium and calories from growth and proteins - provided easily through Mac&cheese, milk and yogurt.... so simple does it. You can provide much more of course...

but the issue is really not how you feed her, but about the fact that your ex has no saying in what and how you decide. Keep things happy and non-confrontational, but avoid the debate. If he writes to you about subjects like this - well, just file, and don't get in the discussion. WHY is he sitting there and telling you what to do???? he is simply trying to make you feel like an unfit mom.