What do i do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2009
What do i do?
4
Sun, 12-02-2012 - 8:51am

I have been married to my husband for 4 years.  We have been together for almost 10.  We have two sons ages 3 and 6 months.

My husband has always been "difficult" and I knew that.  He is very moody and I feel like I'm on egg shells at all times.We used to have good times to balance it out but not anymore.  He has been emotionally abusive both to me and the kids, not that they understand yet.  He's just kind of mean-spirited sometimes.  I don't know how to explain without going on and on.

Anyway... I have been unhappy since shortly after the birth of our first son.  The bad thing is, I have low self-confidence and I'm a people pleaser, so I've never said anything to my husband.  Well, other than letting him know he's hurt my feelings or whatever.  We also never fight.  I just take whatever he gives and shove it down inside.

Now that we have our 2nd child, Ive kind of just gotten to my breaking point.  I told my husband that his negativity and treatment of me and kids had to stop.  He stopped it, pretty much, over a month ago.  However, he still wont go do things with me and the kids and still goes crazy over nothing soemtimes.

We don't spend any time together at home or out of the home and have nothing in common.  Overall, I'd say he's a great guy and a great father, but I don't think we're meant to be.  We don't share the same religious views, views on spending time with family, etc.

If I was to be 100% honest, I think I've built up so much hurt/anger/resentment that I don't even want to try.  However, I don't know how in the world toIo from him thinking we're fine to me saying I'm done with this and leaving him.

I would like to try just going and staying somewhere else for  now... my parents live in the same town so I could take kids and go there and he could stay in our house.  I just wouldn't even know what to say to him considering he thinks everything is fine.  I've talked to my Mom and she said she feels like she walks on egg shells around him too and that his negativity brings everyone down.  THis from a woman who kisses his butt everytime she sees him.  I never thought she disliked him at all.

I did see a relationship counselor alone a few times and he thinks I'm "done" and didn't have the nicest things to say about my husband.

I do love my husband, just not in love.  I don't want to hurt him.  I'm just sad that our communication level is so non-existent that it went this far.

Please help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 12-02-2012 - 12:25pm

Since you've been unhappy for basically your whole marriage, then I can see why you don't have positive feelings toward your DH.  Do you think he would be receptive at all if you brought up issues?  I was always one for not speaking my mind (in my 1st marriage) but then you also build up a lot of resentment, which isn't good either.  For ex, have you ever told your DH that you would like to do things w/ him on weekends?  If you said something, do you think he would go?  You can't really complain that much that he doesn't do something you want him to do if you never mention it either--although most people would automatically want to spend time with their family w/o having to be told.

I don't know why you describe him as a great guy & father--his actions don't seem like that, if everybody is afraid that he's going to blow up for no apparent reason. 

I think your plan to go and live at your mom's house is another example of you not communicating and avoiding the problem.  You have to say something to him--so what are you going to say?  That you need some time apart, that you want a legal separation, that you're think of divorce?  And if you do want to be separated for any extended period of time, you have to go to court to make sure there is an order in place for custody and child support.  Do you own the house together?  You shouldn't just give him the house if there is equity.  Do you have things in place financially so you could support yourself & the kids?  You really have to give this some thought and make a plan for the future.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Sun, 12-02-2012 - 12:43pm

  There was a lot not written.  Are you employed?  Do you have a job or career?  What lawyer have you seen.  Today there is in most states a big change in custody. many career women who thought they would have custody now are forced to have shared custody and cannot relocate without relinquishing custody.   It maybe that planning everything beforehand will be better.  You need to be ready willing to act.  Yeah he is going to be hurt.  Both emotionally and financially.  But you could always do kickbacks.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2009
Sun, 12-02-2012 - 1:35pm
That's my problem, I don't know what to say!! As far as everything else goes, yes we do own home together. I'm actually the higher paid of the two of us. With my family so close, I thought it would be easier to let him stay and we could continue paying mortgage together until a decision is made. I just feel really guilty. I feel bad for feeling the way I do. It's just he's not what I want anymore. I do tell him I want to do things and ask him. Most of the time he either says no or says yes and then backs out. When we do go, he usually ruins it somehow by getting in a bad mood. He does a lot around the house (cleaning & yard work) and with the kids (at home). I guess that's the source of my guilt. A lot of marriages are a lot worse than mine probly. I just can't stand his mood swings and negativity.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 12-02-2012 - 2:24pm
Usually when someone has constant mood swings and negativity it often times ends up being depression (which is really anger turned inwards) Then that anger comes out and he blows up at you and the kids. Have you given any thought that he could be suffering from depression and needs professional help? Maybe a short separation would be just the thing to save the marriage. It might be enlightning for him to see what life would be like without you and the kids for a maybe just a month to see what he'd be missing if he lost his family over his irrational behavior. Good Luck