What do I do ??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
What do I do ??
1
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 3:01am

Hi,
I have never posted here but was looking for support/advice. My H and I have been
married for 3 yrs and together for 11 total. We have 2 children 2 1/2 yrs and 9 months.
2 years ago we moved from our home town and moved 250 miles away. We left our family
and friends behind. My husband was transfered and we wanted to move to a more
affordable area. We loved it here. It was just us 3.

Things were pretty good until
his old friend moved here.. I hate this guy. He is a pig and my husband becomes
another person when he is around this guy. Many years ago when my H and I were dating my H worked with this guy and this guy was always trying to stir things up between us.
Unfortunately my husband let him. His friend played off of my insecurities and was
always trying to make me doubt my H commitement to me. When we moved away my husband
lost contact with this guy. It was great. Well now the jerk moved here with his stripper
girlfriend and is a raging alcoholic/pot head. I tried to be cool about it at first.
I was nice to the guy thought maybe since my H and I are married and have kids that
he'd understand and stop his old ways.

Well since this guy arrived my husband started
drinking allot and last week got so drunk he called me at midnight to say he couldn't
drive home. Mind you he has to be at work at 4:30 am. I'm stuck. Since we moved I have
been staying home with the kids. I have no income. Yeah I'm employable and have skills
but I don't have a pot to piss in. I live here alone basically. I have no money set
aside to leave even if I wanted too.

Tonight his friend called to tell my H that
the bar he put an offer on went through. Why does an alcoholic think he needs to
own a bar ?? Anyways I was ease dropping I admit. Anyways one point in his conversation
my H told his friend that he would quote "do that once he got rid of his baggage"..
I think he was referring to me and my kids !!! I confronted my H and he said that
he meant he's come see the bar once he didn't have all of us with him, what a joke !
Then he asked his friend if the bartenders who will be all female of course will be
weary daisy dukes. Yeah it sounds petty and maybe I shouldn't be pissed but I am.
Before this A-hole came to town my husband never spoke like this. Maybe this is the
real him ?? I told my step-siter as soon as his friend moved here that this would
test our marriage and it is. I told my husband I don't want him talking to this jerk
and he said he'll do whatever he wants. My H goes out now to concerts and leaves me
home with the kids. I even found his "stash" and he can loose his job if he gets
tested.. He said he got it from his friend.. It's like all his responsible mature thinking went out the window. He says
I'm just a nag and need to chill. I don't want to expose my children to this. All
weve been doing is fighting. I used to trust my H and now I feel like I don't know
him and maybe never did. My H tries to play it off like he's all macho in front of
this guy and it makes me nuts. He turns into another person.. Advice please what do
I do ?? I have some credit card offers that I could use if I really need to get out.
We own a house together and when I told him tonight I want to separate he said I can
take the car and that's all I get..Anyways any one have some advice opinions..

unhapi1

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
In reply to: unhapi1
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 4:28pm

Hmm. You sure are in a tough spot. No matter what you do or say, you will be seen as the bad guy, the party-pooper. Your H has set you up in this position. You have to be there, because you are taking care of the kids, and you were taking care of him. You haven't changed.

My STBX had a similar influence in his life. It was his brother. He was involved in all sorts of things that would get my STBX fired if it ever came out. He encouraged him to behave inappropriately towards me, meet women, drink, do drugs, leave me at home alone for days on end, and ultimately, to cheat on me.

I fought it for a good two years, but I lost. But I didn't lose the whole battle. Is the house in joint name? If so, next time he goes out, call a locksmith. Call the police. Pack up his clothes and leave them nicely packaged on the porch - let him go bunk with his buddy while you keep the children in the home. Even if the house isn't in joint name, by virtue of your marriage I am pretty sure you have just as strong a claim on the home as he does until you can get the cash together to move, if that is what you decide to do. Your family would be great support at a time like this, and if not family, friends. Do you have anyone you can trust (a best girlfriend, mother, your step sister) who can come out and help you through this?

You need to look up women's services in your area. You need some support locally.

Don't let him treat you like this. This may be the wake-up call he needs. Don't let him turn you into someone you don't like. But if he has already decided to "get rid of his baggage", don't be surprised if you throw him out and he just walks away (like mine did). You need to be truly prepared to never see him again, to have his walking away hit you like a slap in the face. Mine wasn't upset when I tossed him out, he was grateful. He had a girlfriend, and it left him able to pursue all the "joys" of singledom his brother had. It wasn't until three months later, when he had almost lost his job, and was tired of living the party life, that he wanted to come home. By then, for me, it was too late. I couldn't be the consolation prize, because I knew the minute he got bored, off he would go again.

Good luck.
I don't envy you the next couple of months...
Drop me a line here anytime. It's hooked up to my home e-mail and will let me know when I get a message in my inbox (not off the board, you'd have to e-mail my profile.)
L.