What do I Have a right to know????
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| Sun, 10-15-2006 - 8:40pm |
My husband told me last night that he was "involved" with someone else (he moved out in June) He won't tell me who it is, how long it's been going on or if he's living with her. He says he's not comfortable telling me because he doesn't know what I might do (He loves to paint me as a "psycho-b***h) He says I don't have the right to know his personal business anyway
He still has a key to our house, as a matter of fact he came over last weekend to get more of his stuff while the kids and I were out of town. He never takes the kids to where he lives so I'm guessing that the story he gave me about using the spare room (rent free) of some buddy of his who's also separated is a bunch of hooey.
Do I have a right to know? How would it affect our settlement if he's living with another woman when we're not even "legally" separated (Meaning we haven't had any type of papers drawn up) He was still sleeping with me until the end of may.
Should I invest in a private eye to find out the truth and get evidence for divorce court? or is it too late and he can live with whomever he chooses?

Hey there Kim...
There are parts of it that you have a right to know... and other parts that either one day you'll regret knowing or you'll find out one way or the other...
I would leave the relationship alone. Just asking questions about it is feeding his ego... drop it and do your best to appear as if it doesn't matter to you... I don't care if you break down in tears after he leaves... don't let him see you cry or get emotional... this is part of you taking control of your part of the situation, if that makes sense...
He still has a key to your house, but he has moved out... my xh went through the process of coming by every so often, whenever he felt like it, to pick up x or y or even z... the trauma of him taking stuff, without my knowledge, over an extended period (several months) of time was not good for me mentally... I would know when he was here and then I would wonder what would be gone... it sucked. Take control. I would get the separation process in progress, if that is what is required by your state... Have you considered changing the locks? What does your attorney say?
I don't like that you signed the amended tax form showing the address as your current one for both you and your stbx, but I'm not sure of the ramifications that could come of that down the road... it could mean that your official date of separation just got moved back a couple of months...
I don't know if I've made sense or not... good luck and keep us posted!
Julie
Ahh yes Julie, Meet the queen of denial...
"If I don't sic a lawyer on him, maybe he won't get mad at me and then all this mess will just go away and he'll come back and everything will be just like nothing ever happened...."
I've been avoiding the whole lawyer thing because I'm not the one who wants a divorce. I interviewed a good one (She wants a $3,000 retainer) but I've been avoiding the whole thing.
I promised myself this weekend that I was going to call my Father (Whom I've never asked for a dime from since he left my mother over 25 years ago) and ask him for the $ this weekend - and while I made the call, I still couldn't summon up the guts to ask. More denial.
I'm going to have to call him back tomorrow and pretend I've Just been to the lawyer and really do it this time..
I know my husband has a lawyer and I need to get over my pride (or fear) and make this step - I don't want to be trusting him again and be led down the wrong path. After all these years of believing my husband when he told me I was manipulating him (I thought I must be a split personality, because I didn't think I was trying to manipulae him) I'm starting to believe that I was and am the one being manipulated.
Thanks for the reply... I know what you mean about going nuts with him coming into the house when you're not there... I was imagining him bringing his girlfriend over to my house and the two of them walking through it criticizing me and looking at and touching my stuff... AAAAAAAUGH!!! Makes my head want to explode!!
Thanks again - I feel a bit more sane....
Kim
Im afraid I cant comment on the tax thing, don't know mush about that. But as far as his whereabouts etc, I would just leave him to it. He's made his bed, let him lie in it. Wanting to know all the details just makes things more complicated, I made that mistake and it cut me up. Wish I hadn't now. What I would suggest though is, if he is seeing the kids and taking them out, you need to as their mother know exactly where they are. If this means telling you where he lives then so be it. Hr cant just take the kids to where he is living without telling you where it is. It may be unsuitable.
Things do get easier. Keep smiling, theres a better future ahead for you.
Ruth
Hi Kim.... Julie had some great comments for you.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hey there Kim... apparently, I just found out where the crown I passed onto someone else wound up after my reign as the Queen of Denial...
Denial is one of the stages of the grief process that we commonly go through when something as traumatic as divorce occurs--even if you are the one who wants it, you go through the stages... the leaver is just typically several steps ahead of the leavee in that process... it sounds like that is what may be going on there...
I, like you, didn't want the divorce. I was married and had recently (w/i two years) had a child and suddenly had everything I had ever wanted... a family... the husband and the child... and I clung to that... I worked hard to patch my marriage back together... I kept wearing my wedding set because it was all that I had left of my marriage... I fought it the best I could... and some people can make it work... but it didn't work in my case.
Eventually, literally over the course of 2 months, I became exhausted. During the beginnings of my divorce process, I was an emotional wreck--I saw my doctor who treated me for ppd and he assisted me with the anti depressants that I needed to get back on track. I lost 30 pounds because I couldn't eat and I cried more rivers than I could even imagine at this point. But you know what... it was truly exhausting. xh moved out in the beginning of July, even though he had not be present in the home much since May... and by the beginning of September, I had given all I could give and had truly nothing left--for me or my son.
That is when things changed... it wasn't quite like an on off switch, but I was finally upset... and yes, I still had my moments when I wondered if I had given it all... but the reason why I fought so hard when I did was so that when I gave up (if that day came) I would know in my heart that I had done all ~I~ could do to save it. Knowing that gave me some peace... but I wondered... if stbx wants a divorce so bad, why isn't he filing? Oh yeah... as long as there isn't a divorce order in place, well, there wasn't a child support order in place... why do I have to finance everything for my son? Why does he get off with bringing one back of diapers over during the 4 month period and that's it? Why doesn't he have to help pay for daycare?
It was that aspect that truly got me off my tail... My attorney wrote up the papers, he signed, I signed (the Friday of a Valentines Weekend--I love that irony), my attorney filed and it was done less than two months later... I was sick of the situation, but I had to take action. Its wonderful that you've found a great attorney. Discuss things($$$) with her... I worked on a payment plan with my attorney and that worked out well. Yes, I was still paying for a few months after the divorce was over, but it was over. If your parents can help you, great... you need to protect yourself and your children.
Good Luck... I hope that you find peace in this journey!
*hugs*
Julie