What to do with myself...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
What to do with myself...
4
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 3:03am

I'm so tired of all of this. I want to move far far away, and not have to deal with him on a consistent basis. I want to be free, and right now it feels like I am never really going to be free. I'm tired of reacting to his nonsense. I'm tired of crying and being angry.

This last week with him has been rough. I had a bit of a falling out with his gf and now she refuses to speak to me. When they BOTH walk the kids to the door after a visit, she refuses to acknowledge me.

On top of this they bought a car together. Yes, the man who can't even afford the pathetic $250 a month in child support he gives me now has a car payment. When I asked him when I could expect SEPTEMBER's child support, he said "soon". When I looked at him like he was crazy for buying a car and promising to make payments when he can't afford to take care of his kids, he said "I think I'm doing better than either of our father's did."

This is true. However, both of our father's essentially abandoned us when our parents divorced so big deal.

Tonight, I asked him if it was okay that our son go on a day trip with a friend of his next Sunday even though it's his weekend with them. He suggested maybe he, his gf, and our daughter also drive up as well, since he had been considering going soon to this place anyway. This all sounds somewhat reasonable except that this family DOESN'T BLOODY KNOW HIM! I said that would be incredibly rude since it would basically be inviting himself along on a family trip of a family he doesn't even know. He got huffy and acted like I was unreasonable, but whatever.

What do I do here? He frustrates the heck out of me and I'm tired of being in knots over him being such an idiot. I don't like that I hate him. I find him pathetic mostly, but sometimes I just feel so much hatred toward him that I cannot believe I ever married his sorry butt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 8:32am

I am sorry you are going thru this.

I know how upset you are, and i know that no matter what he says or does - its going to 'get to you'. but it is important to separate between things that are *your* problem, and things that aren't. for example, just the stuff that wrote here:

the CS ---- he has to pay what he was ordered to pay. don't go into what "else' he spends his money on, don't question the logic behind his buying a car. simply follow whatever legal routes are open to you.

but, OTOH - his social faux pas - are NOT *your* business anymore. besides - justbecause he SAYS he wants to do somethin, doesn't mean he will actually follow up. so ---- if he wants to do something that we might consider rude or tacky - its HIS problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 9:59pm

You are right. I know I need to let go, it's just hard. I can honestly say I think part of the social stuff is me being territorial. There is a selfish part of me that doesn't want him and gf to suddenly start making friends with the other parents that I have known all these years. He never cared before, and I get that now he has to care because otherwise his kid will have no social life on his weekends if he doesn't. Selfish of me, I know. I admit I feel threatened by his gf. I really feel like she's trying to take over the mommy role.

What bothered me about the car, was that he works freelance and only earns what he feels he "needs" to. The small amount of child support was decided on because he basically refused to earn anything more than what would allow for this amount of support. Now he suddenly doesn't mind working more to meet a car payment, yet wouldn't do it just to help me take care of the kids. It's just frustrating, but I know I need to let it go. I have no idea why he offered me this info. I wish he hadn't.




Edited 9/25/2006 3:36 am ET by gwen227
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 1:31pm

Good answer! You know you need to step back and let go. It does take a little while to do it, but keep that goal in mind. If your child is invited to do something on Dad's weekend, perhaps you should let the Inviters know that they should talk to Dad and provide a number. If they chose not to work with the Dad, they can re-schedule for one of the weekends that the child is with you. Just offer everyone the info, and let them all make their own decisions.

I understand your fears about the girlfriend. By living in denial of the fact that her position in your Ex's life may be temporary, she could be setting up your child for a big hurt when she goes away. I wish your Ex would look at reality and see the brick wall his train is speeding toward. But no one can make him see, if he chooses to keep his eyes closed. GL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 12:22am

The idea of giving the friend's parents his nunber is an excellent idea. I really don't know why that hadn't ocurred to me before. I'm just very used to taking care of this sort of stuff. I very much want to have as little contact as possible with my STBX because just about every time I speak to him I wind up upset for the rest of the day at the very least.

Thank you so much for the suggestion. I appreciate it and believe it will help me in keeping my sanity. :-P