What to do now??? Any ideas?
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What to do now??? Any ideas?
| Tue, 02-20-2007 - 2:46pm |
I'm the one who is up all night every Saturday night fighting w/ H as soon as kids go to bed. He says he has always wanted it to be "our" time but we dont talk a few minutes before things are heated and then he's on a tangent about everything I do wrong. So since Christmas I've told him I wanted a divorce...he isn't hearing me, not completely anyway. He tells me how I will be ruining the girls lives and that since I am the only one that is unhappy, I need to be the one to walk away, that why should he have his little girl taken away from him. Ummmm I just cant find the right answer to give him. I know that the girls would be alot happier if I was happy, if I actually got some sleep on Saturday nights so that I wasn't a zombie on Sunday's. There is no reason for m/c, there is no reason for me to wait any longer to file papers.
If you've read my other posts, I started going to a lawyer in July but I was dealing with my dad dying at the same time. Then H was threatning to do this that & the other and I just backed off even though I've been miserable and our all nighters have never stopped only 2 week break at Christmas. I went again to lawyer a couple weeks ago and he said that at this point if I could I should just wait instead of filing seperation papers I can file for a D at the end of March. So I left, thinking that what he said makes sense. However, I can still file seperation papers if I feel I need to do something quicker. The past 2 Saturday nights I've told H I'm not happy, that the love was dead, I felt nothing other than that I didnt want to hurt him but that I firmly believe that us getting a D is the best for all of us. ***And no at this point still no papers filed however I wanted to call lawyer Monday a.m. and tell him to draw 'em up I'm coming in***
I really wanted to tell H that I was going to get papers ready but I'm scared. I know his reaction will be that one of us has to leave right away. What an idiot. I have my grandmothers house I can go to with the girls but he says I'm not going without legal papers saying that I can take them. WTF? He said he wont leave unless I get a restraining order to throw him out. Again WTF? Why is he doing this so that it will be harder for me to do and I will cop out? Hmmm there's a thought. I would really appreciate some imput here. I am shooting off an email to my lawyers secty today to tell her whats going on. BTW during the past couple weeks of fighting my 15yo, who is not H's is completely on his side. She was hit by a car and does have a mild brain injury but in general she thinks he's fun and I'm an ass for wanting to get rid of him. He always uses the term on me that I'm just gonna switch daddy's and now he's got 15yo saying that her and Emily dont want a new daddy and that she thinks we're doing fine. Problem is we always wait until they are asleep, then its on and so they sleep through lots of it. This weekend Saturday night carried over into Sunday during the day where he played father of the year, took them out for breakfast and played different games w/ them all day. Amazingly, this is NOT the norm. The norm would be like Saturday morning & all day, he gets up, gets his coffee & smokes and hits the computer, playing his game all day until 11pm when its time for us to start fighting. Each time I seem to tell him its over he completely sucks up to the girls. HELP! I am going to go ahead and file seperation papers but if she has them ready by the end of the week it will still be 2 weeks or so before they give a court date, which will be in a couple months and then what in the heck am I supposed to do in the meantime....I will not leave the house without girls, he wont let me leave w/o paperwork and he will not leave? ARGH!
If you've read my other posts, I started going to a lawyer in July but I was dealing with my dad dying at the same time. Then H was threatning to do this that & the other and I just backed off even though I've been miserable and our all nighters have never stopped only 2 week break at Christmas. I went again to lawyer a couple weeks ago and he said that at this point if I could I should just wait instead of filing seperation papers I can file for a D at the end of March. So I left, thinking that what he said makes sense. However, I can still file seperation papers if I feel I need to do something quicker. The past 2 Saturday nights I've told H I'm not happy, that the love was dead, I felt nothing other than that I didnt want to hurt him but that I firmly believe that us getting a D is the best for all of us. ***And no at this point still no papers filed however I wanted to call lawyer Monday a.m. and tell him to draw 'em up I'm coming in***
I really wanted to tell H that I was going to get papers ready but I'm scared. I know his reaction will be that one of us has to leave right away. What an idiot. I have my grandmothers house I can go to with the girls but he says I'm not going without legal papers saying that I can take them. WTF? He said he wont leave unless I get a restraining order to throw him out. Again WTF? Why is he doing this so that it will be harder for me to do and I will cop out? Hmmm there's a thought. I would really appreciate some imput here. I am shooting off an email to my lawyers secty today to tell her whats going on. BTW during the past couple weeks of fighting my 15yo, who is not H's is completely on his side. She was hit by a car and does have a mild brain injury but in general she thinks he's fun and I'm an ass for wanting to get rid of him. He always uses the term on me that I'm just gonna switch daddy's and now he's got 15yo saying that her and Emily dont want a new daddy and that she thinks we're doing fine. Problem is we always wait until they are asleep, then its on and so they sleep through lots of it. This weekend Saturday night carried over into Sunday during the day where he played father of the year, took them out for breakfast and played different games w/ them all day. Amazingly, this is NOT the norm. The norm would be like Saturday morning & all day, he gets up, gets his coffee & smokes and hits the computer, playing his game all day until 11pm when its time for us to start fighting. Each time I seem to tell him its over he completely sucks up to the girls. HELP! I am going to go ahead and file seperation papers but if she has them ready by the end of the week it will still be 2 weeks or so before they give a court date, which will be in a couple months and then what in the heck am I supposed to do in the meantime....I will not leave the house without girls, he wont let me leave w/o paperwork and he will not leave? ARGH!

Living,
I don't know the history of your relationship but why do you fight on Saturday nights? Is your husband gone all week and this is the only day he's home?
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Yes, what is it about Sat night? Can you just not respond, or is he doing all the yelling?
Once papers are filed neither has to leave, its tense but you can both stay in the house. If you wish you leave you can take the kids, you are the parent as much as he is. I would do it while he is at work if that is necessary.
how long have you been married? If it was close to 10 years I would tell you to wait until the 10 year mark, its a magic number for some things (you can collect on his Soc Sec if you were married 10 or more years) and in some states it counts as a long term marriage (alimony)
Hmmm. Lots of strong feelings in your post. I can relate. Otoh, I am in your stbx's position; I do not want the divorce and although my stbx could leave without a separation agreement, I have pointed out that that would not be wise for financial reasons and because we really want to take care of our kids and have a plan in place so when he does leave we can tell them what to expect. That takes time.
So I understand that a physical separation may take time. If you want to take the best possible care of your children you should plan their future out a bit before either of you suddenly just walks (not sudden to you, but sudden for the kids).
Is it really hard sharing the house under these circumstances. As you and I can testify, YES! We do not fight much any more, just the occasional sniping that neither seems to be able to completely avoid.
The all night fights seem pretty extreme; I would think some counseling would most definitely be in order so future communications can go as smoothly as possible. Again, maybe you should have a plan in place before your legally separate.
As for what is best for the children. Every marriage is different; what makes a marriage disfunctional or worse varies. When a marriage is better or worse for children depends on many complex factors.
My marriage ... needs work. Would an improved marriage be better for my kids than the impending divorce? In my opinion, yes. Would your kids be better of with you married or with you divorced -- that I could never say, but I understand having a spouse who would rather stay married because that would be me. Otoh, I am cooperating with the divorce because all the experts say it will be better for the kids if I do. Am I angry, yes; do I think my stbx is committing a sin, yes, but I am "taking the high road" even though it is killing me. Sorry your spouse isn't yet able to do so.
GL at trying to have a peaceful separation that respects everyone and protects the children as much as possible.
M
NO, It's the only night that we dont have to get up early and go to work. He got a new job, its a State Job so now he doesnt keep me up during the week for the most part. Where I work, I am the only one and If I'm late or would be off without planning ahead it is just a mess, where he worked at before he just took off everytime he'd keep me up.
Yes I can talk back but no matter what comes out of my mouth, I am wrong and he is right. How did I get so lucky as to marry Mr Perfect?
Anyway we have been married 4.5 years and I knew it wasn't right from the beginning, but I had to try and hope for miracles because we had a baby on the way. I've tried, and the only thing that gets better is the names that he comes up for me. I am done trying, I have nothing left to give and he's sucking the life out of me. I am a very happy go lucky girl and I can feel it wanting to come back out, my friends even tell me I look like I'm getting the life drained out of me.
I will email the lawyer today and tell him about this past weekends events and tell him I dont want to wait 6 more weeks for filing D I will just file the seperation & temp custody papers now.
As Dr. Phil says, Children growing up "From" a broken home is better than Children growing up "IN" a broken home. Someone has to pull the plug so I'll be the bad guy but I know its the right thing to do.
Thanks for listening.