What do u do when they want to fix it?
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| Sun, 01-28-2007 - 11:49pm |
Hi guys! I'm fairly new to the board. I posted an intro a while ago. Thanks for the warm welcomes. We'll now the STBX has thrown my way that he wants to work on the marriage. Short version of the story is that we were married young because I was pregnant. It was the right thing to do at the time. STBX was emotionally abusive all the time. I kept saying for 6 months that we has problems and that we needed to work on this marriage. I dropped that I wanted a "divorce" 3 weeks ago. He now can't live without me and that he wants to seek counsiling-(spelling???). X and I got into a couple of phyisical fights as well. The tension in my house is so high right now. We both can not afford to sell/move until at least 6-12 months. I'm currenlty staying at my mom's house at night just to get away from the X. He's very overwhelming to be around. He keeps telling me that he loves me and needs me. I know I have hurt the X by saying I want a divorce. I do not want to work on the marriage anymore. I'm done. I left this marriage a while ago. I'm not happy. I do not want to make it work for the kids. X asks me if I'm seeing someone else. The answer is "yes" but I started this "friendship" after I told him I wanted a divorce. I've know this other man for a little while. He treats me so much better than X ever did. I know the grass isn't always greener on the other side but I'm truly unhappy with the X. I told him that "no" I wasn't seeing anyone. I don't think he needs to know. I didn't see him before I dropped the divorce. Even if my friend wasn't in the picture I still wouldn't want to work this out. How do I tell the X that I don't want to work on this marriage and that I'm offically done. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of my 3 children seeing that it's ok for a man to walk all over me. UUGGHH! I just want to be free from X. I'm so relaxed right now being at my mom's. I haven't eaten much food lately. I'm dropping weight like crazy. I originally lost 53 pounds by doing Weight Watchers but now it's due to stress. I feel so stressed around the X. I feel like he's smothering me. any advice? Please don't harp on me about the friendship thing. Were not serious and aren't planning to until way down the road. I'm so sad. :-(
Ibaby

Hello, I am going through a divorce and I was asked the same by (H) husband to work it out. I cannot go on like this. You have to ask yourself, Do I see myself happy without this person? I asked that and that is why I am going through a divorce. I have been married 15 years, 2 marriage counselor, 4 years of extreme pain and endurance with 3 kids.
So my advice to you is go for forth with your decision if you know this man is not the same man you knew when you fell in love with him and HE WILL NOT CHANGE.
Good luck!
If you can at all, you should wait to see someone else for a while. Start by seeing a lawyer and get the facts - in many states, fault divorce exist, and by seeing someone now you would be the party at fault.
Also, as your current husband is not willing to let go easily, adding another man in the picture will make him a lot more confrontational, and the divorce may turn into litigation - expensive and painful. Avoid seeing your new friend, and especially avoid all public displays or outings. Don't introduce him around you as your new partner.. these people could later be asked in court to witness against you!!!
If you want to divorce and your decision is taken, get your paperwork ready, find a job or think about what job you could get, and start making decisions in that sense. there is a lot of paperwork to think about, and a lawyer is the best suited person to help you out here.
I also got married young due to a pregnancy. I think I wanted out right away but waited out of guilt and fear of being alone. If you are ready, and are sure you need to get away (and it sounds like you are), then you should.
However, counseling would be a good thing. My STBX and I did that. He did it because he wanted her to "fix" me and got frustrated when I didn't change my mind. I did it so I could tell my children that I did everything possible to stay with him, and I really investigated this decision thoroughly before making it. It helped me know that I really WAS making the right choice, and that peace of mind comes in really handy when one of my kids is sad or I start feeling lonely...I would definitely recommend marriage counseling, or at least individual for you, if you have access to it. Find a good person tho, who guides your talking and doesn't try to put ideas into your head.
Finally, I know you don't want us to harp on the man friend, but you know that's not such a hot idea or you wouldn't have mentioned it that way. Get your break first, THEN pursue a relationship if you want to. Trust me, the break will go more smoothly that way. My STBX accused me of having affairs, so had I been, that would have sucked. And it's not good for the kids either. They need to transition through this slowly. Continue the friendship, but try to keep it to that. He'll wait or not, and it seemed that you guys weren't really all that serious anyway?
Just my opinion. Be careful, stay positive, and allow yourself to feel the emotions that you feel. They're all normal. It might get worse before it gets better, but it does get better. People told me this when I started on this board 6 months ago and THEY WERE RIGHT.