What do you do if he won't take kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
What do you do if he won't take kids?
9
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 7:52pm

My stbx is supposed to take the kids this weekend, but he says he "has plans and can't". He took them for one overnight the past two weekends, instead of the regular two nights for one weekend. This was done to help me since I was supposed to go out of town one weekend. Now he says too bad. He also tries to bring them back early on his days. Short of leaving my own house and being unavailable, what can I do?

The problem is that his days are called "visitation" and he sees it that way. Besides needing to see their father, I need a break! Jo

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 10:08pm

Jo,

Unfortunately, this is one of the cruel things I have learned since my divorce... actually during it, as my xh's visitation was set up as every other Tuesday (he had off every Tuesday at the time) and one weekend night a month... and you know, xh didn't want holidays, so he doesn't get them... the only one that is written into our agreement is Father's day... but xh has to pick him up and drop him off...

The kicker is that xh moved several states away the week after the divorce was finalized. He went 10 or 11 months before seeing him after Christmas 2004 (because my xmil took Joey to see him) and then went about 4 or 5 months after that before seeing him again (this past March)...

While I'm grateful to have this time with Joey, it is hard because we do get to the point where you know, I need a break. I am fortunate to still have a good relationship with my xil's and see them every weekend. They watch Joey sometimes when I need a break, which is a huge help. I also get help from my Mom too...

Ultimately, it is your xh's decision... and the only thing that you can do is hope he makes the right choice. People tell me that my xh will regret not being more involved with Joey while he's growing up and I do hope that one day he realizes the error of his ways, hopefully before it is too late. I have found that the more I try to push for him to have visitation (especially when he still lived in state), the more he would fight it, as if it was some sick way to get revenge at me... and yeah, I do feel bad for Joey, but hey, he's making this bed... I just hope he really wants to lie in it.

Do you have some friends and family nearby who can give you a hand for a little while? You know, I get my nails done every couple of weeks and that time is my time and I treasure just sitting there, doing nothing... as I truly don't get much time away from Joey (except for when I'm at work)... Joey is very attached to his Mommy and I love him with all my heart, but it can be hard...

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 10:28pm

unfortunately I don't have any solutions for you...just wanted to say that I am going through the same thing..

its weird that I havent been on the site in a few weeks (computer crashed ) and then I would read you post...that is why I love this site

I too find the more I push him the less he wants to see the kids...he is concerned that he cannot spend quality time with his gf..the one that he lives with (!)

I too, have people telling me he will regret this..but it is hard to see the effect on the kids...my stbx has gone so far as to give me a "schedule" of his "unavailable" weekends...which just happen to be 3 out of 4 weekends a month..actually he was unavailable for 6 weekwnds in a row! that was until my 8 yr old dd called him, suddenly he was available to take the kids for his weekend (not sure what she said to him but now I wish I had listened in!)

I totally empathize with you ...I too could use a little guilt-free time off (is there such a thing?)

Im sure someone on this site will be able to share some insight

(((hugs)))
Annette

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 6:31am

Yep. I deal with it ALL the time. In fact, in 15 months, he has NEVER taken her for one of his every other weekends. He took her 2 nites in a row ONCE, b/c i was out of town. He never takes dd on every Wed overnite either.


LUCKILY, for me, i work all varying days each week, overnite shifts. I have finally figured out that i can "sway" the nites he takes her in a sneaky but workable way. Since he WONT go by visitation schedule, i just say fine. & if i need a "sitter" for an overnite, which costs me big money, i will SUGGEST dd "call Dad to say goodnite" the ntie b4 i need the sitter, & 98% fo the time he will say to her "See if you can sleep over tomorrow" or SHE asks him "Daddy! I miss you, when can i sleep over?"

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 7:04am

Have you asked him why is is so unavailable to spend time with his OWN CHILDREN?!?!? What a frustrating situation!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 1:26pm

I'm having issues as well. I HAVE to work 3 days a week 7a-7p and for the last year we've been working it so that his days to have them are my days to work. Now he doesn't want that any more and wants a "set" schedule. The only problem with that is that his "set" schedule will make it so that I have kids when it's my day to work or if I'm off I won't have them. There's NO quality time that way. So essentially I'll need childcare when they could be with him.

The kicker is that he says that I should have to pay for childcare because it's on my days to work. He forgets that he's working TOO and that we equally need it.

Since he wants a set schedule he'll no longer have extra days when I'm off to spend at his girlfriend's. During my every three month vacations he would get a whole week "kid free". So since he's not cooperating with me, I'm not cooperating with him and he's pi$$ed.

So we're heading back to court to talk to a mediator.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 3:10pm

Well, first off, when he takes them on days for you, you need to be clear that you are offering "extra parenting time" and that you wanted to ask him first before you made other arrangements for child care.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 7:53pm

I like a lot of those ideas... I have recently started thanking my xh for 'extra time' with our ds. So far, he just says, "You're welcome."

I used to get pretty mad when he'd say he had 'plans' and couldn't see our ds or was unwilling to take care of our ds when our ds was sick. I also nearly hit the roof when the ex told me that he had decided that traveling out-of-town was too important a thing for him to not be able to do and that he couldn't fit all his trips into the times he didn't have our ds, so that meant there was going to be a lot of times he wasn't going to be able to be with our ds!

I decided it wasn't worth my time and energy to fight about it with the ex. He apparently sees his time with our ds as 'visits' - he doesn't take on much responsibility for our ds and there is nothing I can do to make him change! I decided that if I tried to change the ex or try to 'enforce' our agreements, I would likely just drive myself nuts. I just don't have the energy for it. And then, when I really thought about it and also considered the fact that the ex is likely a porn addict, I decided I actually DO want to have 'extra time' with my ds. The less time he spends with his Dad, I am hoping that my ds will be exposed to less bad habits, traits, and other crap. How's that for mean!! It feels rather wicked somehow. : ) I am the mean ex-wife and I've decided that's OK!

Actually - my ds has been refusing to see his Dad lately - so I've been dealing with trying to get my ds to be willing to go over to his Dad's! When Dad says he's going out of town - I know that I'll get to have a quiet, less stressful time with my ds! I like that a lot.

I also have been accomodating every request for extra time my ex makes - hmmmm, maybe I'm not that mean? I am doing everything I can to be cordial, to have a good co-parenting relationship, etc. and I also document EVERYTHING! So far, that's working for me and I feel like I've been getting enough of a break with the time my ex has been willing to spend with ds. At this point, about the only thing I wish for is better communication with the ex regarding our son's current problems adjusting to the changes in his Dad's life. Oh well, can't win 'em all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 8:56pm

Ladies, as usual, you are right on the money. Good advice and good stories (if you can call a divorce story involving children "good"). I have decided to calmly and nicely tell stbx when I have a special meeting or a class. He actually offered to trade days this week so I could go to a teacher's group get-together. I don't know why he won't take them this upcoming weekend, other than he has "plans". But he's always said things like that, even if he doesn't really have plans. I think he wants a break...who knows? But I know him, the more I push, the more he'll rebel. He said "you can make this as difficult as you want, or as easy as you want."

I like the advice, Karen and Christine. Write down the dates he's early or doesn't take them. I was doing that a bit, but I need to do it on a regular basis. I also write down when he gives me the support check and how much. He actually hasn't balked on that! I have tried not being home, but our teen daughter is here, so he expects her to take over until I get back. Then I get the wrath of a teenage girl! I do have it spelled out in the signed separation agreement what days the kids are where. But it does say "visitation." I'm trying to keep calm for the children. It's hard though, and I know I can be the one to get angry. I need to play "nice" and do what is best for the kids.

Get this though....17 year old daughter was mad at me this morning and called her dad asking to spend the night there. THen tonight she's sweet as pie wanting me to buy her things at Wal-Mart. *sigh* she's a kid too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 3:07pm

After reading everyone else's views, I am going to post mine, which is different from the majority... as usual.

I would not make my children be with him for one minute longer than he wants them there. I would get out of bed and drive to pick them up, before I would "make" them stay, if he chose that he didn't want them. My ex is a loser, and the less parenting time, the better... he does no parenting, just fun stuff... I feel that they are better off not learning that his "ways" are right... he is what he is... a visiting play-pal.

If my kids didn't want to go, I wouldn't make them. If he called to refuse his time, I would love it, because I hate it when they are gone.