What do you do when your dd doesn't...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
What do you do when your dd doesn't...
5
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 2:00pm

want to go to her fathers house anymore?

My dd is 11 (will be 12 in July) and has never had a 'good' relationship with her father. He was never around, never disciplined and their relationship was basically to drive each other nuts because they didn't know what do do with each other. My stbx and I have been seperated for over a year and the divorce should be final in the next few months. I have full custody and they she sees her father 3 weekends a month Friday night through Monday morning.
Their relationship is getting worse and worse. She crys and gets all stressed out before she has to go there on Friday mornings. She is pretty much ignored and she stays in her room the whole time watching tv or playing video games. He spends a lot of time with our 4 year old son......doing 'boy' things, but he hasn't even attempted to try and get into our daughters world and interests. She called me on Saturday in tears because he had bought his girlfriends daughter a birthday cake, but he had never gotten our daughter one for her birthday. His response is he can't remember what he got who......etc.

Well anyways, their relationship is escalating. She has asked me to find out when she can legally decide if she wants to go there. I am really worried that letting her go there is going to have long term affects to her. She tells me a lot about how she feels and she is very depressed when she is there. She does great with me (she has her moments, but they all do). She is on the honor roll and is a smart kid.

I am torn about bringing this up now before things are finalized and fight to have her go there less (per her request and health). I know it will be a HUGE fight as he wants 50/50 custody. Now might be the time though!! I am also thinking about trying to put some parenting classes in our final agreement for him, since this is all new to him because he was gone so much. When they are together they get so mad at each other they are both out of control which just escalates things.

She has talked about running away from him, locking herself in a closet and just flat out refusing to go. I just am really concerned with her well being and development at this age and the long term affects.

I would appreciate any imput or thoughts!!
Thanks you guys!!

Amie Choiniere Office Manager~Mom~Domestic Goddess~Student~Wine Lover~Girlfriend~Gardener~Decorator~Vinyl Wall Lettering Queen!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 6:56pm

Hi~


The parenting class thing is a great idea... and one that you both could benefit from (if you're asking him to go, you'd better be sure you're saying that you'll go, too :-)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 9:42pm

One hard thing about a divorce is determining what is being "caused" by the divorce and what is normal girl behavior. Having been a girl myself ;) , and having raised one all the way to adulthood, and having another on the way to teenager-dom, I can honestly say that there is no such thing as normal.

Soooooo, the best approach is to keep that dad relationship going as best as can be done. Girls needs their dads. That is HUGE. Even if they don't think they do (and perhaps ESPECIALLY when they don't think they do). I agree with the last poster. As non-accusingly as possible, you must inform her father of the situation. I am not divorced yet, but I am already making sure that my daughters' relationship with their dad stays solid.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 12:16am
Do you have a GAL assigned? Anything you can get settled NOW will prevent you from going back into court in another year to try and get your 50/50 parenting plan changed. Have you tried family counseling? Unless you confront the problem between dd and ex, it will only get worse. I'm speaking from experience.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 5:48am

Since you see her relationship to her father not

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 1:32pm

When you read this, understand that this was my personal experience. I do not know anything about your situation.

My ex-wife's first marriage ended like you describe, with my ex-wife's daughters not wanting to be with their dad, largely due to relationship issues. During the marriage, the kids did not deal with their father, that was their mother's job (and she relished the role, quite frankly).

The girls were mental cases. They made themselves sick over visiting their father. They threatened to run away if they had to spend more time with him. They'd get hysterical, cry for days, have trouble sleeping, have trouble eating, have problems with school. And so on and so forth.

The girls would never deal directly with their father. THey would always talk to their mother first (Just like when they were married). Then she would call him and tell him what a terrible and abusive parent he was -- usually on the phone, and always with the girls listening in on other phone lines.

Trivial matters were blown up into week long emotional crisies. Something like the younger daughter changed the TV channel. And within hours my ex-wife, the girls, and their father would be fighting and crying, and it would go on for days.

My ex-wife went through three custody (legal) battles. Each time, involving the girls in all of the gruesome details. Sharing everything, including her intimate throughts and feelings regarding their father.

"Everything" was characterized as the father's fault. He was always to blame. IF they had any kind of a problem, it was because of something he did.

That was fifteen years ago. The net result is that they spent very little time with their father.

The elder daughter, now 26, is a bum. She lives with my ex-wife and she's a clerk at a video store, with no prospecet of employment beyond clerking. She started smoking pot and taking X in high school. When she would get caught, the daughter would start crying hysterically about her father and so on.

The younger, not 24, is a drunk-driving alcoholic. She moved away and stands a small chance of recovering from childhood.

The daughters and their problems greatly contributed to the demise of my marriage to my ex-wife.

What I have come to realize is the following.
-- Although the girls were emotionally shocked and hurt by the divorce, their mother amplified the situation to a far greater extent than was real. And the girls responded to their mother by becoming more upset.
-- their father, while a genuine jerk, was committed to being a good dad, although he and my ex-wife had radically differing view points on what parenting means. Most issues derived from differences of opinions in parenting, rather than exposing the kids actual harm.
-- My ex-wife actively rewarded the girls when they were upset -- they got special mommy attention, got to stay home from school, got special toys and gifts and treatment. So as a result, the girls never learned how to be resiliant or independent. If there was any kind of a problem, real or perceived, they'd collapse emotionally. And then their mother would race to their rescue.
-- Any time the girls did something wrong, like stay out late, or try smoking pot or booze, they'd start crying and talk about how awful their life is because of the relationship with their father, i.e., the crutch.

This was my experience. I never want to see children head down this path again, because in the long term, they are ruined.

Is your STBX a reasonably good parent, that is to say, are the children safe with him (he's not using drugs, he's not a drunk, he's not a gambling addict, he does not sexually abuse them, he does not physically abuse them, he's not pimping or selling drugs)?

Presuming that the kids are safe around him, can you get family counceling involved? While its bad to force the kids to do anything, they need to realize that they have to and will spend time at their father's house. If they have problems with him, they need to resolve them with him, and you need stay out of it! Of course, this presumes that the kids are safe at his house.

Your kids need to speak up to their father, and he needs to respond. And all of that needs to happen without your involvement.