What do YOU tell the kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
What do YOU tell the kids?
11
Sat, 06-14-2008 - 5:32pm

I know conventional wisdom says we should shield our kids from as many details of the divorce as possible. And I certainly know that I can't degrade and insult EX in front of the kids. But what about basic facts? Specifically, my EX went 2 1/2 months without paying any support. . .by the end of that time, our TV/telephone/internet had been shut off and we were facing eviction. Luckily, we didn't get evicted, although we went 6 weeks with no TV/internet/Phone. . .which the kids noticed , to say the least(the oldest are 12 and 14). So when they asked me why I hadn't paid the Comcast bill, I told them it was because we didn't have the money. They pressed me with the "Why, why, why - didn't you get a paycheck this month" And I lost it and responded "Yes, I did get my paycheck. But Dad hasn't paid child support so there wasn't enough to pay all the bills"

Well, when EX came to pick up the kids for visitation, he drove up in a new Lincoln SUV. My 12 yo DS said "God, Dad, how come you bought a car instead of paying Mom?"

When we went to arbitration, that comment was used against me to show I had talked about divorce details with the kids (although, even if I had never said anything, the kids are old enough and smart enough to have figured it out) - and I got reamed by the arbitrator, who insisted that even if we had gotten evicted I should never say anything about it having to do with EX or child support.

I'm not sure I agree - but I don't know what to think. I understand they need to have a good relationship with their father, and I can't influence their opinions against their dad. But does that extend to hiding and lying about their father and his actions/lack of actions? Then they are getting to know a false perception of the man. Although they will have their own experiences with him from which to form their own opinions, I know.

I don't know! I'm so confused. I have 3 boys that I want to raise to be honest and respectful. I do want them to grow up with values; to believe that infidelity, lying, greed, etc. are wrong. And in a general sense they do know that. But I guess I must force myself to act as if their father is a great guy, and keep secret that things he has done are immoral. It feels fraudulent! But the things they don't know about are one thing. The things they can figure out (like the TV shut off, or the fact we go to the food bank)I mean- am I supposed to be the fall guy for that. When they ask me why we can't buy groceries, what do I say?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 7:36am

I am not sure what state you are in but the arbitor has NO RIGHT to say anything about you mentioning the divorce. If he/she says anything like this again get up and walk out.

Your xH has signed a contract (your divorce decree) that HE must abide by. You are not under any obligation to lie to your kids. It is your credibility at stake.

I would suggest talking to your stated Child Services Dept. They will take the Child Support right out of his paycheck.

stunned08

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 8:18am

You know, I'm ignorant in this arena (child support), since I'm still early in the process, but it seems if a man cannot find his way to pay child support for his children for 2.5 months, visitation should be revoked. Am I wrong to feel this way?


I'm sure it means breaking the contract (visitation) on your part, so that wouldn't look good, but what gives a man the right to decide to just not pay (and then show up in a new SUV).


Tsk, tsk on him. Sorry you're dealing with it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 1:02pm

Thanks for the input! Yes, It is my credibility at stake. . .that is what concerns me and I'm glad you phrased it that way; thinking of it in terms of credibility makes it clear I can't lie or cover up for EX. . .I don't need to go over board by calling him profane names or anything - but certainly it's okay just to state a fact to the kids.

The reason it went 2.5 months is because I turned it over to child support enforcement. Once he found out I'd done that he stopped paying, even interfered by telling his employer to ignore the court order to garnish wages (and the employer listened to him?!?!?) so it took time to get the first support payment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 1:05pm

Thanks for the support :-)

I really wanted to withhold the kids from him - even though he only agreed to take them 4 hours on Sundays (he lives 15 minutes away!). . .but that just hurts the kids. Not to mention I NEED my one afternoon a week free of the kids.

But I figure karma will get him . . .after all, who buys an SUV when gas is nearly $4.50/gallon!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 2:04pm

When I told our son, I took responsibility

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 6:28pm

If your xH's employment fails to comply with a court order then that company can be held in contempt. The payroll of the company can be seized and the company is setting itself up for an IRS audit.

You can partition the court for immediate relief. The court can act quickly.

Remember the courts are there to help you. You could also have your xH arrested for non payment of child support.

Good Luck
stunned08

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 7:56pm
I didn't know he could be arrested for non-payment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 9:20pm

I am learning so much (all stuff I'd rather have never had to learn) but I

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 12:46am

Yes - I wish I didn't know the stuff I now know! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 7:05am
I have no idea how I'm supposed to lie and smile about dad after all the pain, lies, and horrible things he's done.

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